The Girl He Used to Know(47)
When I looked back on the time we spent at the Palmer House Hotel, I realized they were some of the best days of my life.
25
Annika
THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS
AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN
1992
“Are you nervous?” Janice asked as we sat down in the small waiting area of the student health center.
“Why would I be nervous? You didn’t tell me there was anything to be nervous about.”
“No, it’s just that I didn’t think you’d ever had a pelvic exam before.”
“I haven’t.” My mother had taken me to have a physical before I left for college. The doctor had asked if I was sexually active and I said no and that had been the end of it. “Why, does it hurt?”
“No. It can be a little uncomfortable, but just for a second. You’ll be fine.”
I filled out the form the receptionist had given me and returned it. “Is this where you went?” I asked Janice when I sat back down.
“Yes. It’s where everybody goes. Or Planned Parenthood.”
The nurse called my name. “I’ll wait here,” Janice said, thumbing through a magazine. “Come back and get me when you’re done.”
* * *
The nurse weighed me and took my blood pressure. She gave me a paper gown and told me to take off all of my clothing, so I hopped off the table and began shucking my clothes.
“Oh, I’ll just … let me give you some privacy.”
All I was wearing by then was my underwear, and I pulled it down and let it drop onto the growing pile on the floor. The paper gown was a little tricky, so she showed me how to slip it on so that it opened in front. Then she gave me a paper sheet to lay across my lap.
“Well, I guess I’ll let the doctor know you’re ready.”
“Okay.”
The doctor looked a little like my dad, and when I told Janice this later she said that would have freaked her out, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. Mostly the doctor seemed kind and unthreatening.
I’d had a basic introduction to reproductive health in fifth grade, but it wasn’t something my mother had spent much time on outside of helping me when I got my first period. Everything I’d learned about the actual mechanics of sex had come from Jonathan, and that had mostly worked itself out in a variety of experimental, hands-on ways.
I had so many questions for the doctor as he examined me, starting with a breast exam. What was he doing? What were things supposed to look like? What was the purpose of it all?
“Not many women take as strong an interest as you have today. I find it admirable that you’re so eager to understand the process.”
“It’s my body. It’s nice to know how it works.” I didn’t understand why everyone wouldn’t want to know.
When the exam was over, the doctor told me I could scoot back up on the table. “Your paperwork indicates you’re interested in obtaining birth control and that you’re currently sexually active.”
“Yes. With my boyfriend Jonathan. We love each other.”
The doctor smiled. “It’s always nice to hear that a couple is in love.”
I had been so excited to return to school after winter break so I could tell Janice that Jonathan and I had said “I love you.” But when I told her how it happened, the first thing she said was “Oh.”
When someone said that word to me, I knew what it meant.
“Did I do it wrong?” I asked, my voice rising in panic. Of course I had. Why would this be any different from all the other things I’d screwed up?
“No, not at all. It’s just that usually the guy says it first.”
“Once I realized I loved him I wanted to tell him right away. I didn’t know there were rules about this!”
Janice had grabbed my hands. “You know what? It’s a stupid rule. It’s not even a rule. It doesn’t matter who said it first. All that matters is that you love him and he loves you.”
I wanted to believe her. Since we got back to school, Jonathan had told me he loved me seven more times and he always said it first.
“What method of birth control are you currently using?” the doctor asked.
“Condoms. But my roommate Janice thinks I’m ready for the pill.”
“Do you?”
“I think so.”
The doctor explained the importance of taking the pills regularly, preferably at the same time of day. “You’ll have to take these for thirty days before you’re fully protected. If you miss a pill, be sure to use a backup method of contraception until you’ve finished the pack.” Janice kept her pill pack on her nightstand and took one first thing every morning, but I decided I would keep mine in my purse. I spent many nights at Jonathan’s, but sometimes he spent the night at my place. If I kept the pills in my purse, I would always have them with me no matter where we decided to sleep.
We talked about safe sex and that I could protect myself by making sure anyone I was intimate with had been tested for sexually transmitted diseases. The doctor asked if I had any questions, but I didn’t. I felt so grown-up and responsible. Janice had been on the pill since her senior year of high school, but all of this was uncharted territory for me. I’d been granted entry into a special girls’ club, and I was proud of my membership because I was tired of being behind on everything all the time.