The Girl He Used to Know(46)
Out of all the firsts I experienced with Jonathan, that was the one I treasured the most.
24
Annika
THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS
AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN
1991
When we walked into the ballroom, my palms grew damp. The thrum of the players’ conversations filled the area, and my pulse quickened. We were one of the only collegiate teams that was student led and didn’t have a coach, so we were on our own and would have to rely on one another for guidance and support. If one of our team members were suddenly unable to compete and I had to step up, I wasn’t sure I would be able to.
“Are you nervous?” I asked Jonathan. “I’m very nervous.”
He smiled and grabbed my hand, swinging it as if he didn’t have a care in the world. “I’m not nervous. I’m ready. We’ve got an excellent team. I have a good feeling about the tournament.” In addition to Eric and Jonathan, a graduate student in physics named Vivek Rao and a phenomenally talented junior from Wisconsin named Casey Baumgartner would round out the team.
I watched Jonathan play that day, in awe of his talent and so proud that this smart and kind guy belonged to me. It was clear from the start that Illinois was a serious contender to go all the way, and as each day of the competition blurred into the next, they kept winning.
I took care of Jonathan the way he often took care of me. I made sure to have something for him to eat or drink between his matches. I kept track of who he would be playing, and when and where. I helped him unwind and it did feel a little like Jonathan and I were playing house when we returned to our hotel room at the end of the day. Though I wasn’t the kind of person who imagined things like marriage proposals and what kind of house we would buy, I loved the way it felt to share a living space with Jonathan, even temporarily.
It made me feel secure and happy and calm.
* * *
On the last day of the tournament, Vivek Rao defeated Gata Kamsky in seventy-three moves in the fourth-round game, clinching the championship for Illinois. What surprised me the most as we gathered, shouting and cheering, around Vivek was the slight regret I felt at not being called into play after all.
* * *
We stormed into the bar afterward, high on our victory, surrounded by a crush of competitors. Jonathan walked in front of me, paving the way with his body, holding tightly to my hand as he pulled me through the crowd to a small table in the back. Once we claimed it, he settled me on a stool that backed to the wall. “Is this okay?” he asked. It was loud and he had to yell a little, but to my surprise, it was okay. Because of the way he positioned me, I could see everything that was going on without worrying about someone jostling me or invading my space. I had a wall to my left and Jonathan stood next to the table on my right, making me feel like I was in my own little protected corner. He ordered himself a beer and asked me what I wanted.
“Do they have wine coolers?” I asked.
“I’m sure they do. What flavor?”
“Cherry.” Those were the kind Janice always brought home from the store.
It was nice sitting there eating nachos and drinking my wine cooler, but a short while later the band that had been setting up in the corner started playing. The whine of the guitar and the crash of the drums felt like knives slicing into my eardrums. I put my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to will away the awful sounds.
Jonathan pulled my hands from my ears, shouting, “Annika, what’s wrong?”
“Too loud.” I put my hands back, because it felt like my brain might explode and leak out my ears. Jonathan put his arm around me and led me from the bar. In the lobby, he set me down on a bench and crouched in front of me.
“Are you okay?”
“It was just so loud!”
“Yes, it was loud.” He grabbed my hands and held them. “Do you want to go back to our room?”
“Can we?”
“Of course. Stay here. I’m going to pay our share of the bill and then I’ll come right back.”
When we reached the blissful quiet of our room, the stillness soothed me and eased the ringing in my ears. Jonathan put his arms around me. “Better?”
I didn’t answer his question. Instead I whispered, “I love you, Jonathan.”
“I love you, too. I’ve been thinking about how I was going to tell you.”
“If you’ve been thinking about it, why didn’t you just say it?”
“Because the first time you say it to someone, you hope they’ll say it back. And if you’re not sure they will…”
“Why wouldn’t I say it back? I did say it. Just now.” I thought I was the one confused by relationships and everything that went along with them.
“Maybe there was a small part of me that worried you wouldn’t. I don’t always know what’s going on up there,” he said, tapping my temple gently.
“I never know what people are thinking. It’s like visiting a country where you don’t speak the language and you’re trying so hard to understand but no matter how many times you ask for juice, they keep bringing you milk. And I hate it.”
He smiled. “I love you, Annika. So much.”
“I love you, too.”