The Feel Good Factor(63)

Laughing, I skate over to Arden and Vanessa, and we circle around the rink that’s open year-round, chatting as we go. We catch up on little things and big things, talking about Arden’s engagement to Gabe, about Vanessa’s plans for the bowling alley, then a clever new storyline on Finley’s TV show. We agree we need to head over to Hope Falls soon to see her.

When we’re done with our hour, we skate off the ice, unlace, and return the rentals. “We’ll be ready to try out for the national team any day now,” I say as we laugh our way out of the rink and into the rare sunshine of a San Francisco summer afternoon.

Arden thrusts a fist in the air. “We’re going to win the triplet team gold.”

“Do they have triplet skating now?” Vanessa asks playfully.

“No, but they will when they see how awesome we are,” I add, and we plop down on the nearest bench, where I sigh happily. We had sushi for lunch in Union Square, shopped for dresses for Vanessa on Fillmore Street, and wandered through Chinatown for trinkets before we landed here. I look around, drinking in the familiar sight. “I used to love coming here on weekends in high school with you guys. And then in college too.”

Arden nods. “Slipping away to the city was always one of my favorite things to do.”

“Same here,” Vanessa adds.

I gaze up at the blue sky. “I needed this day.”

Arden grabs her sunglasses and covers her eyes. “Yes, you did. Maybe we all did.”

“Let’s do it more often.” But there’s more I need to say. “And I promise, too, that I’ll do a better job being open about things. That I won’t keep everything inside till I’m reduced to a blubbering mess in Pilates.”

“Pilates has that effect.” Vanessa smiles. “But let’s start with you telling us more about the man you fell in love with, so we can hear all the love secrets you were keeping from us.”

My jaw drops. “Are you serious? Love secrets?”

Vanessa nudges an elbow into my side. “Fess up. You said earlier he gave you straightforward advice. Tell us more about what he’s like.”

My instincts rear up, telling me to shut my mouth, to stuff all my feelings deep inside the trunk in my head. But this time, I ignore them. I have to push past my hard shell. Taking a deep breath, I dive in and share my heart, telling them why I fell for Derek.

“He is straightforward. He was direct with me from the start. And he has this cocky edge that pairs perfectly with his huge heart. The way he is with his nieces and nephew is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.”

The corner of Arden’s lips lift. “Is that so?”

“Yeah. He’s great with them. A total lovebug. But he also really looks out for them and makes sure they’re behaving and treating each other well. And we had fun bowling.”

“It sure looked like you did.” A smile stretches across Vanessa’s face.

I lower my voice, like this is the real love secret. “Also, he loves to snuggle.”

Arden’s eyes widen. “You landed a snuggler?”

“I didn’t land him. But yes, he loves to snuggle, and he always wanted to spend the night together, and he usually made me breakfast the next day. Oh, that’s another thing. He loves to cook for me.”

Vanessa’s smile enters another county. “He must really not want to be in a relationship with you.”

I shoot her a curious look.

She continues, “Well, he cooks, he snuggles, he talks to you, he takes care of his family. He’s also good in bed, you said?”

I grin wickedly. “He’s magnificent between the sheets.”

Arden’s tone goes serious. “It really sounds like he has zero interest in you.”

Vanessa nods in agreement. “Definitely. A man who’d cook, nuzzle, talk, and fuck like a god definitely has no intentions toward you.”

A spark of possibility ignites in my bones. Have I been seeing this all wrong? Looking at the prospect of an us through the lens of our ground rules rather than seeing how our ground rules did a Cirque du Soleil–style flip the other way? Still, I’m cautious as I ask, “Are you girls messing with me?”

Arden pats my hair. “No way. He’s for sure turned off by the possibility of being more than boinking buddies.”

Vanessa adopts a terrible frown. “He absolutely can’t fathom the thought of doing anything but banging you.”

I roll my eyes, but inside, I consider their points.

Derek was awfully wonderful.

He absolutely behaved like a partner.

He completely acted like a boyfriend.

And you know what?

I do want that after all. I want all of him: roomies, benefits, friends, lovers, and more.

Sure, there’s a hardened part of my heart—the part I need to lean on to be tough in my job—that wants to blot him out. But the bigger part—the soft, squishy part that loves her friends, that makes hats, that paints faces, that cuddles with Derek—wants to love him madly and deeply.

I want to love him with my whole heart, in all its various colors.

And I want him to love me back.

I don’t know if he does, I don’t know if he will, but I have to try.

While I lost out on the promotion, there will be other opportunities. The job didn’t pan out, but that’s okay. Things happen in their own time and their own way. But there might never be another man who fulfills me on every single level—heart, mind, and body—like Derek does.