The Boatman's Wife(20)

‘If it’s meant to happen, then it will,’ he said. ‘Let’s just enjoy what we have right now. We’ve plenty of time.’

But Lily couldn’t enjoy what they had any more. The nights they stayed in watching movies cuddled up together felt pointless now, because there was no baby upstairs asleep. She wanted so badly to carry Connor’s child, because she loved him to the extent she wanted a part of him forever. It hurt her that he didn’t feel the same way. Moreover, there seemed to be babies everywhere she looked, every time she went into town. The only peace she got was out on the ocean. Just her, the boat, and the other fishers.

It was her mom who gave her the idea of going to a fertility specialist.

‘But Connor won’t even go to the doctor, Mom,’ Lily had said, almost on the verge of tears. ‘He said it’ll happen at the right time. But what if it never happens!’

‘Oh, honey,’ her mom had said, squeezing her hand.

‘Besides, we don’t have the money for a specialist.’

Her mom had tucked her hair behind her ear and gave her a wan smile. ‘Yeah, you do.’

Her mom revealed she’d been saving for Lily’s college fund ever since the day she’d been born. But of course, Lily had never gone to college. All she’d ever wanted was to be a lobster fisher like her dad, and his pap before him. She’d been lobstering ever since she was fourteen.

‘But, Mom.’ Lily had been stunned. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about the money before? Give it to us when we got married?’

‘Because I could see you and Connor didn’t need it right then, honey,’ her mom had said. ‘And this money is for you and your dreams.’

She’d hugged her mom tight.

‘So, make yourself an appointment, darling, if having a baby is your dream,’ she’d said to Lily.

‘It is, Mom, it’s what I want most in the world,’ Lily had sighed. ‘But what about Connor?’

‘Why don’t you go first?’ her mom suggested. ‘Go get some tests done on your own.’

Lily had taken her mom’s advice and contacted a fertility clinic in Portland.

She had been nervous about how Connor would react to her news about the appointment, so she decided to go all out and cook his dinner. Soften him up with good food and a glass of wine. She was nowhere near as good a cook as he, but he always appreciated it when she did make food for him. She had spent hours in the kitchen that evening, making homemade pizza with butternut squash, ricotta cheese and cranberries.

‘This is great,’ Connor said, biting into a big slice. Lily took a sip of her glass of wine to give her courage.

‘Honey, I need to tell you something,’ she said. Taking another breath to steady her nerves, she ploughed on. ‘I’ve an appointment with a fertility specialist in Portland. Tomorrow.’

He stopped eating and stared at her.

‘My mom has been saving up money for me; she paid for it,’ Lily added.

‘Why’d you go behind my back, Lily?’ Connor said, frowning at her.

‘Because I just wanted to know if it was me,’ she continued.

‘Well, I’m not the problem,’ he said, looking furious.

‘How do you know that, unless you take the tests?’ she flared up.

He didn’t reply. Sat staring at her, his eyes dark, but his face almost expressionless. Lily had never seen him like this before.

‘I mean, maybe it’s just us,’ he said, his voice flat. ‘Now’s not the right time for a baby.’

But that wasn’t good enough for Lily. ‘Don’t you want to have a family together? Why else did we get married?’

‘Because I love you, Lily!’ Connor reached out and took a hold of her hand. The blank look was gone, and instead his eyes were loaded with hurt. ‘Am I not enough for you?’

She dropped her gaze and pulled her hand away, despite hearing the hurt in his voice. Connor never got upset. So calm, keeping her level, putting her first always. Why was he being so stubborn? She was going to be the pregnant one. It was her life which was going to be turned upside down.

‘It’s not enough,’ she said, because she couldn’t lie. ‘I want our baby, Connor. Our beautiful baby.’

She slowly looked up, pleaded with her eyes, but he shook his head.

‘I’m sorry, Lily,’ he said. ‘Maybe you picked the wrong guy.’

‘No, I want you to be the father of my children,’ she said, confused by his words. It was the first time he’d ever said anything like this to her in during the four years of their marriage.

‘Sorry, Lily,’ Connor backed down. She had never seen him look so upset. ‘It’s just, all I need is you.’

He walked out of the kitchen leaving his pizza unfinished, and went upstairs to bed. He’d never walked away from her before. She was left reeling from his words. Connor had been pretty clear – he didn’t want kids with her. She looked at the years stretching out, just the two of them, and she knew it wasn’t enough for her, even though she loved him so much.

She closed her eyes, took a breath. A part of her felt so angry. He should have told her this before they got married. It wasn’t fair she had to choose.



He was asleep, or pretending to be, by the time Lily got into bed. She shouldn’t have drunk two extra glasses of wine, but she’d not been able to bring herself to go upstairs to bed. She still hadn’t asked him to take her place on her dad’s boat in the morning. She needed to wake him up and ask. But rarely for Lily, she felt anxious about doing so. Was this the end of their marriage?