The Boatman's Wife(19)

Everything was set up to start their family. Lily had thought it would be like plain sailing.

Perfect, like when she and Connor were out to sea on her boat, cutting through pristine blue water, and feeling the sun on their cheeks. Welling with gratitude for all they had.



It had been December almost two years ago, on her twenty-third birthday, when it had all come up first. She’d been a little drunk after the birthday meal at her parents’. Connor had his arm around her to stop her from slipping as they cut across the thick snow on their front lawn on the way home.

It had been a clear night sky filled with glistening stars, and the air had felt so pure and clean. It had made her think of her daddy’s lucky star story. Had the night she was born been just like this?

‘Let’s make a baby,’ she’d said, turning to Connor as he’d unlocked the front door. Full of good feelings, bursting with excitement at the idea, she stood, arms spread out, as if summoning all that starry magic from the sky. ‘Let’s do it, honey!’

But it was as if Connor hadn’t heard her. ‘You’re letting the warmth out, Lily.’

She didn’t want to walk in until he acknowledged her request. At that moment, it seemed the most important thing in the world.

‘Hey, did you hear me?’ she said. ‘I want a baby!’

‘Come on, missy, time for bed.’ Connor pulled her inside and she tottered in. He helped her off with her boots, as if she were a child, and she felt a little wounded. But maybe she was being over the top? She had drunk way more than him, and he looked tired. So, she let it go.

But when she’d woken up the next morning, it was the first thing she’d thought about. In fact, she wanted them to have not just one baby, but lots. She’d been an only child and though she’d been happy, sometimes she had wished for a sibling. She lay on her back in bed and pictured their children. Could almost hear them running around, playing games downstairs. Their little house, filled with the sound of a happy family. She’d wanted it so much it made her tummy ache.

Lily had turned on her side and put her arms around Connor. Breathed him in. He was so gorgeous. What beautiful babies he’d make. That morning, as they’d made love, Lily had imagined Connor and herself making their first child. Of course, it had been a fantasy, she’d still been on the pill then, but she would never forget the sweetness of the first time she’d made love with the desire of creating new life – and without knowing what challenges were before them.

Right after, as they’d eaten breakfast together, Lily had said it again. She’d never been one to wait. Besides, she assumed Connor would want the same as her. Why else had they got married?

‘Honey, I want to start a family,’ she said to him, as she dug into her pancakes.

‘Not yet,’ Connor had said back. ‘We’re still so young.’

Lily had been so surprised, she’d dropped her fork on the plate. ‘That’s the point,’ she said. ‘I want to start now, so we’ll have energy for our kids.’

She could have sworn Connor had winced when she said the word ‘kids’.

‘We’re so perfect together, why spoil it?’ Connor had said in a low voice, not meeting her eye.

‘Don’t you want to have a baby with me?’ she asked him bluntly, her heart heavy with dread.

‘Sure, I do, it’s just… I’m not ready yet.’

He had that look on his face. The same one he got whenever she asked him about his grandmother in Ireland.

She had let the baby discussion go that morning, but not for long. All her friends were having babies. Even her cousin Angie had just had baby Sam. Lily wanted their kids to grow up playing together.

So, Lily didn’t let up. She had learnt that was the way she got things from her daddy, and she did the same to Connor. Every day, badgering him about trying for a baby. But weeks went by and he wouldn’t relent. It was only after baby Sam’s christening party the following January when Connor found Lily sobbing in the bathroom, that he had finally agreed they could try. Jubilant, Lily had gone off the pill right away. She had thought that would be it. Like everything else in her life, pregnancy would happen easily for her. But month after month, she’d been disappointed when her period arrived.

‘Be patient,’ her mom advised her. ‘Remember, it took me a long time to get pregnant too, Lily, and you’ve not even been a year trying.’

But Lily wasn’t used to waiting. She got things to happen, through hard work, determination, and her good luck.

It wasn’t just her inability to get pregnant which had floored her. It had been her reaction to it. She had always been so tough, and strong. It took a lot to get her upset, and yet often when she caught sight of another woman in the store with her baby she was consumed with jealousy.



Nearly two years had passed and still no pregnancy. To make it even harder to bear, Angie had just got pregnant for a second time. Lily found herself irritated by her cousin when she complained she hadn’t planned another baby so soon. She snapped at her mom, too, when she suggested working on the lobstering boats might not help if Lily wanted to get pregnant.

‘Don’t see how that makes one bit of difference, Mom,’ Lily had said.

The situation was made even more intense by Connor’s lack of enthusiasm. She felt like she had to push him the whole time. When Lily asked Connor if he’d go to the doctor with her and get some tests, he’d got annoyed.