Ten Below Zero(73)

I wanted to punch him, to make him physically feel the pain I was emotionally feeling. My head fell to his chest on the bed and I sobbed. The tears were long suppressed, coming freely from my eyes. It was years of suppression being released at once and it was the most overwhelming moment of my life. It was the first time I cried for anyone. It was the first time I loved anyone.

“Do you love me?” he asked. This time, I could answer without sarcasm.

“I hate you, Everett.”

“Good.”

I pushed my forehead against his chest, squeezing my eyes shut. “I hate you so much.”

“Good,” he said again.

I lifted my eyes and stared at him, anger, hurt, fear, and one more thing in my eyes. “I love you and I hate you and I am so f*cking mad at you, Everett.”

His hands were on face, cupping my cheeks and pulling me to him. He kissed me then. It was an I-love-you, an I-hate-you, and most of all, a goodbye kiss. Tears slipped from my eyes so freely, it was a never ending waterfall, slipping over our lips. Everett pulled back and then crushed my lips to his once more. Again and again. As soon as he felt ready to stop kissing me, he wasn’t. It was like gravity. But I couldn’t be his gravity. I couldn’t keep him.

It was excruciating. I finally pulled back and sobbed, my hands gripping his hospital gown. My eyes closed and I cried, my tears soaking his gown.

“I hate you,” I said again.

“I know.” His hand brushed my hair soothingly. “I’m glad you do.”

“Why did you do this to me?” I asked. My heart was aching so intensely. I couldn’t breathe. The pain wracking my body was worse than anything I’d ever felt.

“Because I want you to live. Your life is a gift, Parker. Live while you can. Smile, dance, see the world, fall in love-”

“Shut up!” I couldn’t keep my voice down. “I already did fall in love, you *. You made it so f*cking easy. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.” My voice broke on the last word and I stood up, looking around. I couldn’t think. My head and my heart were so full of pain that thinking clearly was not an option. I wanted to scream.

“I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” It was the truth, and it was painful to say, to admit.

“Isn’t it enough to spend the rest of mine with you?” he asked, his eyes pleading.

“No. It’s not.” I rubbed a hand over my face. “I don’t want to be in a world where you don’t exist.”

“But I will, Parker. You’ve made sure of that. I’ll be at the Purgatoire River. Come here.” He held his arms out for me and I climbed in, not wanting to ever leave. “I’ll be here.” His hand touched the spot my tattoo was on. “And most importantly to me, I’ll be here.” He touched my heart. “You’re not ten below zero, Parker. Not in here. You’re warm. A little broken, but warm.” His lips pressed against my head. “And you’ll have me in here. In your memories.”

My lip trembled and I choked on a sob. “We never made it to the east coast. You wanted to make it to the east coast.”

“Go there for me. Dip your toes in the Atlantic. Visit Central Park. People-watch.”

I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. “I don’t want to go there alone.” I stood up and walked away, trying to get some distance.

“Parker, I bought your plane ticket back home.”

I stopped pacing, stopped looking around and brought my eyes back to his. “What did you say?”

“Your plane ticket home is in your email. You leave tonight.”

“What are you talking about?” My voice was up several octaves and I saw the nurse move towards me.

Everett held up a hand to the nurse and then he turned to me. “I told you, if you fell in love, your ass would be on a plane. And it will be. In four hours.”

I was speechless. I stared at Everett like he’d grown another head.

“I don’t want you here for this, Parker. I don’t want you to remember me like this.”

I collapsed into the chair beside his bed and sobbed into my hands. This was more than I could physically bear. I lifted my head to see him again, my nose running and my tears tracking a hundred lines on my face.

“Come here,” Everett said, his voice breaking again. He opened his arms and I climbed into the bed. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, squeezing me. He was always pulling me to him. I wanted to pull him to me, to keep him.

“I love you, Parker. More than I’ve ever loved anything. I am so thankful for that text, so thankful it was you who replied. I’m thankful you drove halfway across the country with me. But most of all, I’m thankful for what you’ve given me. It’s been the best time of my life. And it wasn’t all the pit stops or the main attractions. It was you. It was always, only you.”

I didn’t think I would ever stop crying. My hands balled into fists against his chest. “Then fight, dammit. If not for you, fight for me. I need you.”

“You don’t, Parker. You’re strong. You’re a fighter. You’re brave and beautiful and ornery and so many things. You don’t need me.”

I knew with absolute certainty then that nothing I could say would change his mind. He was done, he wasn’t going to fight. I pushed my lips to his chest and squeezed my eyes tight. “I need to go then. Now.” I held his hand and he squeezed three times. The moment he let go would be it. I’d lose a limb.