Ten Below Zero(72)

By the time the ambulance arrived, Everett wasn’t breathing.



I hated hospitals. I hated the waiting rooms. I hated that the water fountains were so far apart. I hated that you had to wait to see a loved one. And I hated that I had someone in this hospital, a loved one. Mostly I hated that Everett wasn’t here to see me hate everything. The girl who once embraced no emotions was now wrapped up in hate.

“You can see him now,” a nurse in pink scrubs said. I tried not to sneer at her as I walked briskly past her. She’d been my nemesis when Everett had first come to the hospital and she’d barred me from his room. I’d been away from him for four hours at this point. I’d called his family and they were already on their way. But for now, it was just Everett and me.

I entered Everett’s hospital room quietly, worried he was sleeping. My eyes saw a nurse in the corner, making notes, but I paid her little attention.

But as soon as I came around the curtain, he was sitting there, in the bed, staring at me as if he’d been waiting to see me. He looked tired, completely spent, but he still had a smile for me. “Come here,” he said, lifting the one free arm that didn’t have tubes running through it.

I climbed in beside him, wrapping my arm around his waist, greedy for this, for him.

His hand touched my hair and he rubbed over it. “My precious.”

I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. “Everett,” I said. Only, my words were a whisper. “Why?”

He held my hand in his, running his thumb over my knuckles. Even in a hospital bed, strapped to numerous machines, he was still soothing me. I’d always be broken. But being with Everett, I’d been okay being broken. He’d pushed me so hard, he’d smoothed out the sharper edges.

“Parker.” It was said to grab my attention. His voice was weak, his speech was a little slurred, but he was still commanding. “I told you, I told you before this trip. I’m-”

“No.” I nearly yelled it. The nurse looked at me with a sharp eye. “No,” I said softer. “You’re giving up. That’s not a dignified way to die, dammit.”

“I’m not giving up.”

“Yes, you are.” My voice was crumbling. The strength I summoned was noticeably absent. I swallowed tears, but they lodged in my throat. “You are, Everett. You can fight. You made me fight. You can too.”

Everett shook his head sadly. “Parker, listen. I fought for years. I’ve spent more of my life sick than not. I’m tired. I’m ready.”

“I’m not.” I choked this time. I brought my free hand up to my mouth. “God dammit, Everett. You made me feel. You made me want to live. You can’t leave me.”

He patted my hand with his hand. “I’m not leaving you, Parker. I need you to listen to me. Don’t be a brat.” I opened my mouth and he looked at me pointedly. “Listen to me. I wanted my one sweet moment. That’s what this trip was about for me. But when I looked at you, watched the way your eyes closed at the Grand Canyon. The light lit up your face and your hair and all I could think about was how incredibly perfect, how incredibly sweet you looked. And then you opened your mouth and ruined it, but even still, it was all I could do to keep from kissing you breathless.”

“I wish you had,” I said, tears running down my face. “God, Everett. I wasted so much time,”

“Shhh,” he urged. “Don’t interrupt me. Remember that moment when you first laughed? I told you not to fall in love with me, and you laughed. I made fun of you then, but the way I felt when you laughed – I ached. You were so beautiful. It was the first sweet moment of my life. Knowing that I’d said something to pull you from the abyss of indifference.”

“Parker,” his voice caught on my name, and my belly dipped. “You have no clue, do you? The effect you’ve had on me.” He gripped my hand tighter, but his hand was still shaky. “I went on a road trip across the country, hoping to find a sweet moment somewhere along the way. Instead, I found them all in you. When we were in that canyon in Colorado and you fell. You were embarrassed when I carried you, when I fussed over your swollen ankle. I never cared, not for people, not the way I cared for you then. I think that’s when I first started.” He tugged my hand, making sure I was paying attention. “That’s when I first slipped off the rocky edge, when I first fully embraced falling in love with you. It hurt, you know. Loving you. It hurts now. But I’d rather suffer through this pain in my final moments than suffer through being alone, from living a life unfilled. I don’t want the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. I want your laugh, your touch, and the way you kiss me. I want them to fill my mind. It’s a lot of sweetness to live on.”

I couldn’t help it. A sob wrenched from my throat. “You are such an *, Everett,” I said, hiccupping on a sob. “I didn’t want to feel. I just wanted you to change your mind!”

“Well now you feel. And that gives me happiness. I want to see you hurting. I’d rather see you in pain than numb to everything, like you were when we met. I’m so glad I helped you feel again, Parker. That is the sweetest moment of them all.”

Love, the emotion that should elicit healing, was in fact the most painful emotion of them all. It crept in when you didn’t want it. Made itself at home, terrorizing your hormones with confusion. It made you more susceptible to pain, it weakened your resolve while simultaneously making you frantic with need. And it hurt. Not just mentally, but physically. My heart was aching, it was breaking, and I was so very angry with Everett, with love.