Tatiana and Alexander: A Novel(199)

He let her dig out five or six potatoes from the edge of the field.

The sun was setting by the time they got to the woods. When they stopped at a stream for a drink, Tatiana said, "Maybe we could catch a fish? If you build a fire, I can cook these potatoes and a fish. We'll eat. Break camp, you know." She wanted to smile at him but he looked so grim that she reconsidered.

"Fire? You've completely lost your mind, haven't you? They smelled my cigarette in a barn. What do you think their dogs are trained to sniff out, if not the scent of cooking fish?"

"Oh, Alexander. They're not looking for us anymore. They're not here."

"No, they're there." He waved in a nebulous direction. "By the time they're here, it'll be too late."

"So we're not going to eat?" Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

"We'll eat the potatoes raw."

"Great," muttered Tatiana.

They ate the potatoes raw. They had their second to last can of Spam. Tatiana would have brought more, but who would have thought they weren't going to be able to build a fire, to cook a fish, a potato? They washed again, he smoked again and said, "Ready?"

"Ready for what?"

"We have to go."

"Oh, please no more, no more! It's eight in the evening. We need to rest, we'll walk tomorrow during the day." She wanted to add that she was afraid to walk at night, but didn't want him to see her weakness, so she said nothing, waiting for him to do the right thing.

He was silent.

She was silent.

"Let's go until ten," he said with a sigh. "Then we'll stop."

She stayed very close behind him. But she hated that there was no one behindher . She kept feeling that there was someone there, and would whirl around every time Alexander stopped to listen to the woods. Once, something fell, a rock rolled, or a branch hit something, and Tatiana cried out and grabbed for Alexander.

He put his hand on her. "What, Tatiasha?" he said softly.

"Nothing, nothing."

Patting her, he said, "Let's stop."

She had to bite her lip to keep from begging him to find a barn, a shed, a ditch near a house, a mined field even, anything as long as they didn't have to spend the night in the woods.

He built them a small lean-to with some sturdy branches and the trench blanket. He said he would be right along, but after fifteen minutes of not being right along, she climbed out and found him sitting against a nearby tree, smoking.

"Shura," she whispered. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Go to sleep. We have a long day tomorrow."

"Come in the lean-to."

"It's too small, I'm fine here."

"It's not too small. We'll sleep side by side, come." She pulled on his arm. He pulled it away. Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

Kneeling by him, she studied him and then her hands went on his face. "Shura..."

"Look," he said, "you've got to stop fighting with me. I'm on your side. You have to let me do what I know we need to do. I can't have it out with you every time we're in danger."

"I know," she said. "I'm sorry. But you know I can't help it. It's my nature."

"Youhave to help it. I know it's hard, and I know you're overwhelmed, but you have to win that battle inside yourself. One way or another, you have to make it right inside you. Or don't you care if the Huns win?" His arms went around her.

She pressed her face into his throat. "I care if the Huns win. I will try, all right?" she whispered.

"You willdo ," he said, holding her. "You will do as I say, and you will not heal those who mean to kill us, that's what you will do." He took her face into his hands. "Tania, last time in Morozovo, I let you go, but not this time. This time we live together or we die together."

"Yes, Alexander," she breathed out.

"I've put away everything in my nature except what I need to do to get us out of here, and you will put away everything in yours."

"Yes, Alexander. Come in and sleep."

He shook his head.

"Please," she whispered. "I'm scared at night in the woods."

He came inside and fit in behind her. She covered them up with her cashmere blanket. "I bought this for you," she said. "My first Christmas in New York."

"It's light and warm," he said. "Good blanket.Oh, God, make small the old, star-eaten blanket of the sky, that I may fold it round me, and in comfort lie."

They lay fitted into each other, like two metal bowls.

"Tania," he said, "tell me, I won't be upset. I wanted you to be happy. Have you been with someone else?"

"I have not," she said, pausing slightly, remorsefully, remembering how close she had come with Jeb, how close she had come with Edward. "Who is blessed like you, endowed like you with gifts from the gods?" Tatiana felt Alexander's body tense. She wanted to ask him, but couldn't.

"I haven't." He paused. "Though I would have liked to once, twice, to stave off death."

She closed her eyes. "Yes, me too," she said. "You want to finish the earlier...staving off?"