Tatiana and Alexander: A Novel(201)

At nine in the evening, as he was letting her rest her feet, she said, "You don't think the countryside is quiet?"

"No," he said. "The countryside is anything but quiet. On the periphery of the fields, in the echo of distance, I hear trucks constantly, I hear voices, I hear dogs barking."

"I don't hear them," she said.

"Why would you?"

"Why wouldyou ?"

"Because that's what I do. Come on, are you ready?"

"No. Can you show me on the map where we are?"

Sighing, he brought out the relief map. She followed his finger. "Shura, but that's great! A few kilometers ahead of us is a hill, with not too big an elevation--six hundred meters is not too big? Six hundred meters up, six hundred meters down. When we get down on the other side, we'll stop, and Berlin is just a few kilometers away. We'll be in the American sector by noon tomorrow."

Alexander watched her. Without saying a word, he put the map away and began walking.

The moon was out in the clear sky and it was possible to walk at night without shining a flashlight. When they got to the top of the hill, Tatiana thought she could almost see Berlin in the distance. "Come on," she said. "We can run the last six hundred meters to the bottom."

He sank into the ground. "It's obvious to me you were not paying attention to the war around Leningrad. Have you learned nothing from Pulkovo, from Sinyavino? We're not moving from the top of the hill. It's the only advantage we have, height. Perhaps a small element of surprise. At the bottom of the hill, we might as well wait for them with our hands up."

She remembered the Germans at Pulkovo and Sinyavino. She just felt too exposed here on the bare hilltop, with only a tree and a few bushes. But Alexander said they weren't going. Therefore they weren't Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

going.

He didn't build a lean-to, telling her to take nothing out of the backpack except the blanket if she needed it, so they could be ready to run at any moment.

"Run? Shura, look how quiet everything is, how peaceful."

Alexander wasn't listening. He walked away and began doing something on the ground. Tatiana could just make out his silhouette. "What are you doing?" she asked, coming closer.

"Digging. Can't you see?"

She watched him for a moment. "What are you digging?" she asked quietly. "A grave?"

Without glancing up, he said, "No, a trench."

Tatiana didn't understand him. She feared the lack of cigarettes and his acute anxiety were turning into a temporary (temporary, right?) madness. She wanted to tell him he was being paranoid, but she didn't think that would be helpful, so she bent down and helped him dig with a knife and her bare hands until the pit was long enough for him to lie down in and be covered.

He was finished around two in the morning.

They sat under the linden tree, Alexander against the trunk, Tatiana in his lap. He refused to lie down or to put down his machine gun, but once she felt it fall on top of her only to scare her and make him jump up, knocking her to the ground.

After they sat back down, she tried to sleep, but it was impossible to relax into sleep with his body so tense around her.

She heard him say, "You shouldn't have come back for me. You had a good life. You were taking care of our son. You were working, you had friends, the promise of new things, New York. We were over. You should have let it be."

What are you talking about? she wanted to cry out. He didn't mean what he was saying, no matter how grim he sounded. "Well, why then did you give me Orbeli in my nightmare if you wanted me to let it be?" she asked. "Why did you give me a glimpse of your wasted life?"

"I didn't give you Orbeli for a nightmare," he said. "I gave you Orbeli to have faith."

"No!" She jumped up and away from him.

"Keep your voice down," he said, without jumping up.

She lowered her voice, remaining standing. "You gave me Orbeli to damn me!" Here came the deluge.

"Ah, yes, becausethat's what I was thinking during those last moments." He twisted his boot into the ground.

"You gave me Orbeli to torture me!" Tatiana cried. Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

"I said keep your voice down!"

"If you really wanted me to think you were dead, you would have said nothing. If you really wanted me to think you were dead, you would not have asked Sayers to put your damned medal into my bag. You knew,knew , that if I had any hint, a single word that you were alive, I would not be able to live my life. Orbeli was that word."

"You wanted a word, you got a f*cking word. Can't have it both ways, Tatiana."

"We were supposed to be all about truth, and you ended our life on the biggest lie imaginable. You put me on the rack every day. Your life, your death were my meathooks. I couldn't twist my way out. And you knew it!"

They stopped for a moment. Tatiana tried to compose her trembling body. "That horseman has chased me every day, every night of my life and you're telling me I shouldn't have come back for you?" Leaning down, she grabbed him and shook him. He didn't protest, didn't defend himself, but after a moment pushed her slightly away.