THE TROUBLE WITH PAPER PLANES(91)

He nodded, and I knew he understood. I was his Emily, and his Maia. I was his soul mate, in whatever body, with whatever name. His soul had called to mine, and I had come.

“You need to be strong. I need to go now, but when the time is right, I’ll come back for you. I promise.”

I could feel his heart squeezing tight, as if it was fighting to hold itself together even as it threatened to shatter into a million pieces. The memories of the past week, of him and I together, played through my head like snippets of a movie. It was as if I was seeing someone else’s dream. It was faint, vaguely familiar. Mine, but not mine. But even if the picture wasn’t clear, the feelings were. His and mine, our hearts and souls joined.

“Em?”

I looked over Heath’s shoulder, and Mum stood behind him, her hand over her mouth, eyes wide. Alex stood beside her, and Vinnie behind them both. My heart felt like it was stretching, filled with so much love that it had to expand to hold it all in. I had missed them so much.

Mum held out her hand to me and I went to her, settling into her arms as she cried on my shoulder. I knew she needed that. I could feel it pouring out of her. Grief and hope, relief and love – a thousand different emotions, buffeting me, but I withstood them and held on to her. Alex joined in, and I put my hand on his arm as I felt his body settle in behind mine. He was apologising, over and over, although he never said a word. I could feel him breaking under the strain. As I pulled back, I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently.

“It’s okay,” I whispered, smiling. “You don’t have to be sorry, for anything. There’s nothing to apologise for.”

He gulped down a sob and I leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek. My big, crazy, adorable brother. He had been just as lost as I was, but he was finding his way home now, just like me.

Mum put her arm around him, drawing us both closer. I wanted to hang on tight, to keep us all together in this place, in this time, even if it was only for now, for this moment. I needed it just as much as they did. I needed them to know that I was with them, even when I wasn’t, and this was a memory they would need to hang on to long after I’d gone.

We pulled apart again, and Mum looked behind me. Pop was still standing there, bathed in the blue glow, looking more relaxed and peaceful than I’d ever seen him before. The lines around his eyes had softened, and he looked both wiser and more vulnerable. I knew he could feel the love she had in her heart for him, just as I could.

“Dad,” she whispered, tears streaming down her face.

He took her in his arms then, and he said goodbye to her as she had said goodbye to me. We were a family about to be torn apart, yet at that moment, we were still whole.

Pop smiled, gently wiping the tears from her cheek.

“I love you,” he said, in a voice that was so tender, it made my soul ache. “Always remember that. It’s going to be alright. I’ll look after her.”

He believed it, and I believed him, although I had no idea where we were going or how we were going to get there.

Alex let go of my arm and Heath was there again, wrapping his arms around me and drawing me close. I closed my eyes. I wanted to remember everything about him, about this moment. The woody tang of his cologne, the blue of his eyes, his chest beneath my cheek, the way his hands felt in the small of my back, the shiver that ran up my spine at the merest touch of him. This time, we got to say goodbye, and that was a precious gift I refused to waste.

“Let her go, boy,” Pop said gently. “You have to let her go.”

I’m glad Pop said it, because I’m not sure I would’ve been able to. I could feel his heart as if it were beating inside my own chest, and with every beat, it screamed at me.

Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go.

I heard it as clearly as if he had spoken the words out loud, because the same struggle was going on inside me. Two halves, one whole. What I felt, he felt, whether we liked it or not. I used that knowledge to bathe him in as much peace and love as I had to give.

It flowed out of me and into him like a waterfall. He opened himself up and received it all, and I wanted to believe it would help ease his pain, if not now, then later.

I slowly withdrew from him and he took my hands in his, as if he couldn’t bear to not be touching me. He was trembling, his entire body shaking. He reached deep down inside of me and his eyes spoke volumes although his mouth never moved.

Stay. Please?

I wanted to. I had fought fate once already. I could do it again, couldn’t I? But even as the thought crossed my mind, I already knew our time here was over. There was no place for me here, not anymore. My life was elsewhere, but his was still here.