Sweetest Venom (Virtue #2)(46)
Wincing, I raise a staying hand as I try to speak, but the words get stuck in my throat. “I’m sorry. I can’t—”
“You know what, Blaire? In hindsight, I’m glad you’re out of their lives. They’ll be better off without you. Good-bye.”
With her words ringing in my ears, I see Lawrence walk out of the building and meet Jackie by the revolving doors. He places his hand on the small of her back and they begin to walk in our direction. Our eyes meet briefly before he looks away from me and gets in an expensive car that I don’t recognize, driven by a man who isn’t Tony. It’s as though he’s purposefully erased all traces of me from his life.
I watch the car pull away as Elly’s fingers intertwine with mine. “Make him look back at me, Elly. Make him …” my voice wavers. I let go of her hand and seek solace in her arms. “Make him come back.”
“What will you do once you get there?” Elly asks, watching me from her place on the couch. “And would you stop that? You remind me of a caged hyena I once saw at the San Diego Zoo.”
Sighing, I stop pacing the floor of her small living room and stand still. “I guess I’m going to go home and take it from there.” I rub my arms as I gaze down and notice a faint pattern on her carpet from my shoes. “My mom might not even live there anymore.”
“If she doesn’t, what are you going to do?”
“I’m not sure. Ask around, I guess. And if that fails, come back home and get on with life. I need to find a job desperately. By the way, it’s really nice of Alessandro to let me borrow his car.”
Elly’s attention seems to be caught by a stack of magazines lying on her coffee table. I stare at her as she swiftly leans forward, picking them all up in her arms, and heads toward her bedroom. When she comes out, she seems relieved and calm. The magazines are also missing.
“Sorry, what were you saying?”
I frown puzzled by her odd behavior. “What was in those magazines?”
Elly instantly looks away but not before I see the guilt in her eyes. Without giving her a chance to stop me, I walk to her bedroom in search of whatever she’s hiding.
“Blaire, no. Wait!”
After a quick search, I end up finding the magazines hidden under her bed. I sit on the floor cross-legged and start going over the covers as my pulse accelerates, a bad feeling settling in the middle of my chest.
“It’s not worth it,” Elly murmurs sadly.
“What’s not …”
My voice trails off like an unfinished thought as I discover what Elly didn’t want me to see. Quickly as though my life depends on the speed of my fingers, I flip through the pages until I find Ronan’s interview. My eyes consume the words written about him and when I’m done reading the article, I punish myself even further by looking at his pictures, memorizing each one of them. Like the one where he’s with the blonde woman from the party. With an arm around her waist, Ronan is photographed whispering something in her ear that makes her laugh. Her name is Rachel. She’s a socialite. The next photograph is of Ronan’s profile as he stares out of a massive window. He looks more like the man that I knew and fell in love with on a dream-like summer, but it’s just an illusion. My heart’s desire playing me for a fool. He’s gone.
“I didn’t want you to see it. I thought that it would be better if you didn’t.”
“He’s going to make it, Elly. I’m so happy for him.”
“I’m not,” she says gruffly.
Shaking my head, I trace the outline of his lips with trembling fingers. “No, don’t say that. I … I deserve it all. Elly, is there a limit to the pain one can feel?”
“I wish I knew, babe.”
“Jackie’s right. They’re better off without me.” I stare at his picture, the image blurry through my tears. “Anything … I would give anything to “ I press a hand to my chest as though I could stop it from shattering, but it’s no use. I’m breaking into a thousand pieces, and the love I feel for them is the driving force.
“I can’t. It hurts too much, Elly. I can’t.”
LONG AGO, I LEFT THIS PLACE never to return. I buried my heart somewhere in this house, along with its memories. I thought that I could escape from my own past and that it would never catch up to me, that I would always be two steps ahead.
But now I realize that I was a fool to believe that. The ghosts of my past haunt me whenever I look in the mirror. They walk with me. They sleep with me. They rule my every thought and every action. I thought I was free, yet now I see it was just a stupid illusion. I never stopped being the lonely girl who felt unworthy of love, who cried herself to sleep while praying to a deaf God to make her parents love her back. No, I don’t think I ever truly left this house full of regrets and fears.
Chewing my bottom lip, I stare at the white Victorian house where I grew up. At the two perfectly matched flowerpots that border the faded red door and the navy blue shutters framing the windows. I’m not even sure what coming here will accomplish. All I know is that my dream still haunts me and I haven’t been able to shake off the feeling that I need to be here.
Once I ring the doorbell, I fidget nervously, attempting to fix my clothes one last time. The lights of the porch come immediately on as a woman exclaims that she’s coming.