Stepbrother Dearest(40)

Elec emerged from the car and walked over to where I had been standing and looking down into the ditch. He was staring down into it just as I was. When he turned to me, the look in his eyes was one of panic.

It’s funny how fast you can set aside your pride when you truly sense that someone you care about needs help. I reached out for his hand. He didn’t resist.

“I can’t do this,” he said.

“What?”

“What if they want me to help lower the casket into the ground? I can’t do it.”

“It’s okay, Elec. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I don’t think that’s something they expect you to do anyway.”

He was just nodding and blinking but not saying anything. He swallowed anxiously. Then, he let go of my hand, turned around and weaved through the people who were starting to arrive. He kept walking down the road farther and farther away from the burial site.

Without thinking it through, I jogged in my heels to catch up with him.

“Elec…wait!”

When he stopped, his breathing was heavier than mine even though I’d been running. If I thought he was having a breakdown last night at the funeral home, I was wrong. I was pretty sure this was the moment where he was actually coming undone.

“There’s just something about this part of it all that makes it final for me. I can’t watch them putting him in the ground, let alone having a hand in it.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“I don’t think he’d even want me here, Greta. Either way, I can’t witness it.”

“Elec, that’s a perfectly normal reaction. We don’t need to go back. I’ll stay here with you.”

He just kept shaking his head no and stared out away from me. He was deep in thought.

A black crow landed near us, and I wondered what that symbolized.

After several seconds of silence, he started to talk. “It was during one of our worst fights, probably about a year before I met you. Randy had said he’d rather be dead and buried than to have to live to see what a f*ck up I’d turn out to be.” He looked down at his shoes and shook his head repeatedly. “I said something back to him along the lines of, ‘well, then, I’ll be smiling the entire time they’re lowering you into the ground.’” He let out a deep breath as if he were holding it the entire time he’d been speaking.

I was starting to cry. “Elec…”

He spoke in a whisper looking up at the sky and said, “I didn’t mean it.” You could barely hear him, and I realized that was because he was talking to Randy in that moment.

He looked at me with his hand on his chest. “I need to get out of here. I can’t be here. I’m losing it. I feel like I can’t breathe.”

He suddenly started walking fast, and I followed him.

“Okay. Where? Where do you want to go? The airport?”

“No…no. You have your car, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Just get me the f*ck out of here.”

I nodded my head as he followed me down the gravel road to the parking area. A crowd was still gathered around Randy’s grave several feet away. I fumbled with my keys, unlocked the car and Elec got in, slamming the door.

I immediately started the engine and pulled out of the lot, heading toward the exit.

“Where do you want to go?”

“Wherever the f*ck the polar opposite of this nightmare is. Just drive for a while.”

Elec was leaning his head back on the seat rest with his eyes closed. His chest was rising and falling as he loosened the top three buttons of his shirt. When we hit a red light, I sent a text to my mother.



Everything is fine. Elec had something like a panic attack and I’m driving him around. Make sure Greg gives you a ride to the restaurant and let him know Elec is with me. Not sure if we’ll miss the meal.



I didn’t expect her to respond since the service was still going on but hoped she’d check her phone once she noticed we were gone.

He grunted. “Fuck.”

“What?”

“My cigarettes are in Greg’s car. I really need one.”

“We can stop and get some.”

He held up his hand. “No. Don’t stop. Just drive.”

So, that’s what I did. For two hours straight, I drove on the highway. It was the middle of the day, so traffic was light. Elec was quiet the entire time, mostly looking out the window.

I had to stop at some point; otherwise, we’d be heading out of state. Sure enough, fifteen minutes later, the Welcome to Connecticut sign greeted me. He’d told me to take him to the polar opposite of a graveyard, to make him forget. I suddenly had a brilliant idea and knew exactly where we could go.

“Just about another twenty minutes then we’re gonna stop somewhere, okay?”

He turned to me and spoke for the first time in hours. “Thank you.”

I wanted to reach for his hand but resisted. A few minutes later, it looked like he’d fallen asleep. I remembered Chelsea saying he hadn’t been getting any sleep since finding out Randy died.


My phone rang, and I picked it up.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Greta, we’ve been worried. The meal is over. Is everything okay?”