Stepbrother Dearest(39)

“He had a lot of demons, but he loved me,” she said. “That was probably the only thing I was certain of when it came to him.”

I wrapped my arm around her and took the picture frame from her grasp. “I remember that day like it was yesterday.”

“This marriage…it was like a fresh start for him, but he was never able to resolve his past or his anger over it. He never opened up to me about it, and I never pushed it.”

Sounds familiar.

She continued, “I didn’t really want to know everything, I guess. After the pain of losing your father, I just wanted something easy. It was a bit selfish of me.” She started to cry. “I’d been prying lately, and it caused a lot of tension. I felt ashamed for never getting involved in the situation with Elec. I was living in a bubble.”

“Well, neither of them made it easy to figure out how to help,” I said.

She wiped her eyes and looked at me. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“Me? Go through what?”

“Seeing Elec with her…with Chelsea.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know, Greta.”

“What do you think you know?”

“I know what happened between you and him the night before he left for California.”

I put the picture I’d been holding down on the bed to prevent it from accidentally smashing to the ground in the midst of my shock. “What?”

“I’d gotten up early that day. Elec didn’t know I saw him leaving your room to go back to his. Then, later that afternoon, after I came home from running errands, I went to check on you, but you had gone to the store. I found a condom wrapper in your room, and there was a little blood on your sheets. The week after he left, you were so depressed. I wanted to tell you I knew. I wanted to be there for you but didn’t want to embarrass you or get anyone in trouble with Randy. He would have blown a gasket. I kept telling myself that you were eighteen, and if you wanted me to know, you would have told me.”

“Wow. I just can’t believe you knew all this time.”

“He was your first…”

“Yes.”

She held my hand. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“It’s okay. Like you said, it was better that you kept it quiet.”

“Was it…just sex…or was it more?”

“It was a lot more to me. I think he felt the same way at the time. But that doesn’t matter now.”

“He seems pretty settled with that girl.”

“Yeah. They live together.”

“He’s not married, though.”

I squinted my eyes. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Just that if there’s anything left unsaid between the two of you, this might be your last opportunity to get it out in the open. With Randy gone, we’ll likely never see Elec again after today.”

Even though I knew that was the case, it really hit home when she said it.


“Thanks for the advice, but I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed.”

A tear fell down my cheek despite my attempt to seem unaffected.

“Clearly, for you it hasn’t.”



***



I could smell that he was right behind me. Even before that, my body could feel him there. The windows in the church were open, and a brisk wind blew the scent of cologne and clove cigarettes right into me. It was strangely comforting. The only other scent was the burning of candles that surrounded the altar and the occasional whiff of the lilies that had been transported here from the funeral home.

My mother and I were sitting in the front pew. I turned around to find Elec sitting next to Greg and Clara. They had arrived just a few minutes after us. Dressed in a fitted black satiny button-down shirt with no tie, he was looking down. Either he didn’t catch me watching him for those few seconds, or he pretended not to notice.

There weren’t half as many people here as there were at the wake. It was quiet except for the distant sounds of traffic and the echo of shoes as people walked down the long aisle to their seats.

An organist started playing On Eagle’s Wings, and the music prompted my mother’s tears to flow heavier.

The priest said the eulogy, which was generic and impersonal. When he referred to Randy as a “loving father,” every muscle in my body tightened. Technically, if Randy and Elec had a normal relationship, his son might have gotten up to speak. I couldn’t imagine what Elec would actually say in reality if he had the opportunity. Instead, he was quiet the entire service. He wasn’t crying. He wasn’t looking up. He was just…there, which I suppose was better than not showing up at all. I had to give him credit for that.

The service went by quickly and at the end, the priest gave out the address of the cemetery and announced that the family would like to invite everyone for a meal at a local restaurant following the burial.

I watched as Elec, Greg and a few other men who were Randy’s friends served as pallbearers and carried the coffin out of the church. Elec continued to show no emotion.

My mother opted not to use a limo, so we drove together in my rental car and followed the hearse. Greg, Clara and Elec were in the car behind us.

When we got to the graveyard, we gathered around the massive dirt hole that had been dug into the ground right in front of a granite headstone with O’Rourke carved into the front. The question of whether my mother would be buried in this same plot or with my father crossed my mind.