Steam (Homecoming Hearts #4)(61)

Trent rubbed his thumb against the back of Ashby’s hand. “The guys have talked to me enough about their labels,” he said. “Gay, bi, pan, demi. I get all those the way they describe it for them. But…I don’t know.” He bit his lip, unsure if he should say what was floating about in his brain.

“Yes, you do,” said Ashby. He had a slight devilment to his tone. “I mean, I think you really do know. Say it however best you can. I’m pretty hard to shock.”

Trent wasn’t convinced. “I’m worried what I want to say is going to come across as offensive. But I don’t mean it like that, at all.”

Ashby considered him seriously for a second. “Well,” he said. “If I’m offended, we can talk through why. I’m a grownup, I promise. Despite evidence to the contrary.”

The small joke helped to ease Trent’s anxieties a little. “Okay,” he said after a few moments. “I guess…I guess I feel like I’m attracted to you because you’re…well, you’re not, um…”

“Very masculine?” Ashby suggested. His tone was bright and he didn’t sound pissed off at all.

“Um, yeah,” said Trent. “Is that okay?”

Ashby’s smile was a huge relief. “Of course it is,” he said kindly. “I’m not very masculine. I like being effeminate.” He chewed his lip. “If we’re being honest and talking about labels, I could explain that a bit more. If you like?”

“Sure,” said Trent. “Go ahead, shoot.” The idea that he wasn’t the only complicated one made him feel a bit better.

Ashby seemed to think about his words for a moment. “So, you know how you’re not quite straight? Well…I’m not quite a man.”

Trent couldn’t help but flick his gaze down to where Ashby’s cock was under the covers and think about how he’d sucked it twice now.

Ashby poked his chest. “Biologically, yes. I’m a guy. And I’m fine with male pronouns and all that. But sometimes, not all the time, I don’t feel like I’m either. Male or female.”

Trent was very keen on not fucking up and using the wrong words now. He chewed his tongue for a second. “Is that, um, trans?”

Ashby smiled at him. Relief swirled inside Trent. He so wanted to understand Ashby and have him look at him with pride like that as much as he could.

“Yes,” Ashby said, becoming more animated. “It comes under the umbrella of trans. I’m nonbinary. You might have heard the term androgynous, but I like nonbinary. Or, more accurately, there are times when I’m happy to feel and present more male. Then there are times, when I feel comfortable and safe, that I love blurring the lines between genders.” He let go of Trent and waved his hand about before linking their fingers again. “I won’t get on my soapbox, I promise. But what I’m trying to explain is that I don’t feel like gender is any more binary than sexuality. Like…you know you’re definitely a man, but you’re now attracted to me. I assume?”

Trent laughed and kissed him. “Yes, I’m definitely attracted to you.”

“Right, good, that’s nice,” Ashby said, bouncing a little on the bed. “So, I know I’m always attracted to men. But sometimes I love things that are seen as being for women. Like wearing lacy blouses or heels or painting my nails.”

“Or makeup?” Trent asked, remembering the wedding.

Ashby nodded. “Yes. So, I don’t feel I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body, like a trans woman. And I’m not performing as a woman, like a drag queen. I just see gender as this blurry thing that I’d rather not be tied down to.”

Trent frowned. He wasn’t sure he entirely got it, but he didn’t necessarily have to. As long as Ashby was comfortable in his own skin, he liked Ashby just the way he was. He liked him a lot.

“So,” he said. “It’s okay that I like you because you’re not entirely male?” He winced. “I’m sorry, that sounds like an insult.”

Ashby shook his head. “No, it’s not. I think it’s very accurate and, well, no one’s ever said that to me so directly before. It’s oddly validating.”

“Really?” Trent felt that burst of pride again. Ashby nodded. “So, you’re saying the parts of us that aren’t quite a man and aren’t straight have…overlapped?”

Ashby’s eyebrows rose. “Ooh, I like that,” he said nodding. “Like those circle graphs that overlap to show, um, science stuff.” He let go of Trent and wriggled his other arm free so he could make two circles with his fingers and created a figure eight with a tiny overlapping area in the middle. “A Venn diagram!”

Trent touched the space in the center. “We’re the Venn diagram,” he murmured.

Ashby nodded, clearly pleased. “Does that help?” he asked with genuine concern. He dropped his hands and rubbed Trent’s thigh. “I quite like the sound of that, myself.”

Trent let out a breath. “I think so,” he said. “It’s…quite a bit to think about. But there’s probably more answers than questions floating around in my head now.” He raised an eyebrow and hugged Ashby to him. “You don’t feel like…I don’t know. Don’t you want to be with a proper gay guy?”