Steam (Homecoming Hearts #4)(55)

Why was this so hard for him? Raiden had been through a similar thing last year, realizing he was pansexual. But pan, bi, gay – none of those words seemed right for Trent. Despite Ashby assuring him no labels were needed, Trent was having a hard time coping without one.

What made matters worse was that he knew he was hurting Ashby. On the way back to Ohio he’d commented twice how the next time he would be flying was when he went home to London. It was like he was determined to put on a brave face and remind them both that he wouldn’t be here long.

That made Trent feel worse. He wanted Ashby to like him still, but how could he when Trent was acting like a goddamned freak? Marble statues had better personalities than he did currently.

He wasn’t surprised that they went back to their own accommodation on Sunday night when they returned to the resort. He tried writing several different texts to Ashby over the evening, but in the end, he deleted them all. He had no idea what he wanted to say.

I really like you but I have no idea what this means.

I miss you already but I feel like admitting that means I’m losing who I am.

You’re incredible. Please don’t hate me.

I’m sorry I’m being such a dick.

Can I come over?

They all got deleted one by one without being sent. Trent was a fucking coward. Why was it so hard to just admit he was queer? Joey had lectured him and the others on the Kinsey scale so many times Trent knew all about it. How zero was straight, six was gay and three was bi. That left him two whole numbers in between straight and bi he could explore. Why couldn’t he accept he was probably a one and get over it?

So much of his life – especially his brand as a singer and an actor – was built around his lady-killer ways. But he’d always been too afraid to commit to those women, some of whom had been downright phenomenal. If he couldn’t find happiness with them, what made him think he could be happy with Ashby?

That he could make Ashby happy?

Fucking hell. He was going to drive himself insane. He woke up Monday morning in his snowy cabin with a raging hardon and so close to coming, of course dreaming about his and Ashby’s night together. He angrily took himself off for a cold shower and refused to jerk off. Until he could sort out his fucking head, he didn’t get to masturbate over his friend. That was gross.

He came to the rather pitiful realization that in that moment, he would have given anything to talk to his mom. He never wanted to sugarcoat the past and pretend they were best friends. But at least she understood matters of the heart. She always listened to him, even if he called out of the blue after weeks or even months of no contact.

But she was gone.

Trent sighed as he stood in his open-plan cabin and watched the snow drifting down on the other side of the window. It was a gray day with heavy cloud cover, matching his mood perfectly.

Well, fuck it. He’d promised he would go talk to his dad anyway about a memorial. If that went well, maybe he’d feel better about this Ashby thing. Maybe it would go so well Trent would actually have the courage to ask his dad about what he should do. He couldn’t really see that happening, but it was enough to get him out the door.

Monday was change-over day at the resort. Most people booked their vacations to arrive and leave then. So the main lodge was a bit hectic when Trent arrived. He had to push his way through a lot of people with even more luggage. One of the reasons he liked snowboarding was that skis were just so enormous to lug around with you. He almost got smashed over the head a couple of times as he shouldered his way toward the gift shop.

At least this would mean the resort was even quieter now. This close to the end of the season meant more people would likely be leaving than arriving. Trent looked forward to a bit more peace and quiet, even if it did mean there was no longer enough snow to board on.

Eventually, he made it to the gift store where a newly arrived family were taking their time picking out a fridge magnet. Trent’s dad saw him from behind the counter and nodded. At least it was an acknowledgment. Trent hung back while the family debated over a snowy mountain and a cartoon wolf character.

Merlin realized Trent was in the shop and came clattering out from behind the counter. At least he wasn’t attached to his leash, so he managed not to knock anything off the shelves as he tore down the aisle to greet Trent, who chuckled as he dropped to his knees and ruffled the little guy’s fur. He was so excited he was slobbering all over Trent’s hands.

“I swear you’ve already grown,” he murmured, grinning in spite of his black mood. It was hard to be upset when such a happy ball of fluff was hopping around as if seeing you was The Best Thing Ever.

“Can I pet your puppy?” Trent looked up to see a pair of big hazel eyes. The girl was about three or four with poker-straight brown hair and bangs that looked to have been cut using a ruler. She was so entranced by the dog she hardly even glanced at Trent.

“Sure,” he said, looking up to make sure it was okay with Mom and Dad. Their son would have been around eight and he turned to them to see if he could join in too. With their permission, he cautiously came over. Miraculously, Merlin calmed a little, letting the kids stroke his fur.

They were a classic nuclear family. Mom, dad, son and daughter. Picture perfect. Trent felt a wave of hurt and confusion roll over him again. At least when his mom had been alive, they had tried to be a regular family. But that had never been good enough for Trent. He’d been ungrateful in his desperation to escape and make a life for himself in the big wide world. And now his mom was gone.