Somewhere Out There(108)
Brooke took a couple of steps over to a rack of baby dresses and lifted a hanger off a display. The dress was light pink, and while it didn’t have lace edging, it was made out of some kind of luminescent fabric that shimmered under the store’s fluorescent lights. Seeing that it was labeled “6 months,” she put it back and looked for a newborn size, but when she pulled it out, she couldn’t believe how tiny the dress was. It looked like it might fit a plastic baby doll. That couldn’t be right. Panic twisted in her belly. She couldn’t be responsible for something so fragile and small.
She grabbed her phone, her index finger quickly finding Natalie’s contact information. Her sister picked up after only two rings. “Nat?” she said, using the shortened version of her sister’s name for the first time. It felt strangely intimate, but comfortable, too, as though she’d been calling her this for years. “I don’t think I can do this.”
“Do what?” Natalie asked. “What happened? Where are you?”
“I’m at Target in Northgate,” Brooke managed to say. “I was shopping for the baby and there were so many cribs and pacifiers and all these things I’ve never even heard of and now I’m freaking out.” She took in and released a choppy breath, hoping this would help calm her down. “Will you help me figure out what kind of crib I need to get? And every other goddamn thing? I can’t believe how much crap there is to buy. I’m completely overwhelmed.”
“You don’t need the half of it,” Natalie said, laughing. “But of course I’ll help. I actually have a ton of baby stuff in storage that I haven’t had the heart to get rid of yet. I meant to tell you that you can use whatever you want.”
“Oh, wow,” Brooke said. “Thanks.” She paused. “All I really wanted to do today was buy a cute outfit for the baby, but the newborn size looked so tiny. Are they really that small?”
“Yep,” Natalie said with another laugh. “But don’t worry. They grow faster than you think. And I’ve seen you with my kids. You’re going to be a wonderful mom.”
Hearing this, something inside of Brooke that had been staring downward for years finally looked up. It struck her that while she might always bear the scars of growing up without a mother, she didn’t need to be defined by them. Everyone has wounds—we all carry around ghosts from the past. But who she was as a person, the choices she made, the kind of mother she’d be, was totally up to her. Her life and all her relationships were hers to create.
Still, she spoke to her sister again. “You really think so?” she asked.
“I do,” Natalie said.
And then Brooke’s eyes filled with tears for an entirely different reason than grief. “Hey, Nat,” she said, but before she could finish, her sister interrupted, apparently sensing what Brooke was going to ask without her needing to say a word.
“Let me grab my purse,” she said. “I’ll be right there.”
? ? ?
Two hours later, Brooke and Natalie sat across from each other in an Italian restaurant next to the mall, having just ordered lunch. Once her sister had joined her at the store, Brooke was able to ignore the anxiety she felt and enjoy the experience of picking out her daughter’s first outfit.
“You probably don’t want to go with a fancy dress for her to wear home from the hospital,” Natalie advised. “The lace will itch and she’ll more than likely spit up on it. Or worse.”
“Oh,” Brooke said. “I hadn’t thought of that.” Instead, she chose a light gray pair of buttery-soft pajamas covered in a pattern of pink ballet slippers. She also bought a few packages of onesies, which Natalie said the baby would live in most of the time for the first few months, along with a selection of tiny socks, and a few other pairs of pajamas she hadn’t been able to resist. Natalie again reassured her that she had most of what Brooke would need in storage.
“Feeling better?” Natalie asked now, after their server delivered their meals.
Brooke nodded. “Much. Thanks again for coming.”
“No problem.” Natalie smiled and took a bite of her salad. When she had finished chewing, she spoke again. “I have to eat quick, though, so I’m not late picking up the kids from school.”
“Are you going to tell them about meeting Jennifer?”
“No. I don’t see any reason to, really. They have their grandparents.”
Brooke felt a twinge of sadness, realizing that her daughter wouldn’t have the same thing. How she felt must have shown on her face because Natalie then said, “I need to introduce you to my parents. When you’re ready, of course. I’m sure my mom will love having another baby in the family to spoil.”
Brooke was about to respond, to express her gratitude for such a generous offer of inclusion, when she felt a flash of something in her belly—a rippling movement, like the flutter of a butterfly’s wings. She gasped, and pressed her hand over it.
Natalie put down her fork. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” Brooke said. “I . . . felt something.”
“The baby’s moving?” Natalie asked with a smile. Brooke gave her sister a helpless look, and Natalie tilted her head, slightly. “You haven’t felt it before?”
“I don’t know,” Brooke said. “Maybe. It’s a little like bubbles moving around.” She paused and then lowered her tone so the tables around them wouldn’t hear her next words. “I thought it might just be gas.”