Somewhere Out There(104)

Natalie strode over and grabbed Brooke’s arm, but her sister jerked away. “Brooke, stop,” Natalie said. “Let’s just go.”

“Natalie has children,” Brooke continued, as though her sister hadn’t spoken at all. “Her daughter’s name is Hailey, and she’s seven years old. She’s really into cooking shows. And Henry is five, obsessed with Buzz Lightyear.”

Jennifer looked up from the ground, the glow from the porch light reflecting in her eyes. Her shoulders curled forward, and she seemed so small, a little like an animal, stuck in a trap. In her face, Natalie could picture the young, frightened girl she had been when she chose to let them go. Their birth mother was an accomplished professional, but she also seemed brittle, as though she might shatter from a simple touch or misspoken word. Evan stepped over and sat down next to his wife again, but he stayed silent.

“That’s right,” Brooke said, clearly fighting back her own tears. “You’re a grandmother.” She ran her right hand over her burgeoning belly, tucking the fabric of her blouse around it so the fact that she was pregnant was impossible to miss. “And you’ll be one again in April. I’m having a girl, too, but I haven’t decided on a name yet. I’m single, like you were, but I’m going to raise her on my own.” Her shoulders began to shake. “Don’t you want to know them?” Brooke asked. “Don’t you want to know us?”

“I’m so sorry,” Jennifer said in a wobbling voice, then dropped her eyes back to the ground. She reached down and stroked the silky head of one of her dogs in a repetitive movement, one that reminded Natalie of the way Brooke’s fingers had worked the edge of her lavender blanket when Natalie returned it to her the first time they saw each other as adults.

“It’s okay,” Natalie said. “We understand. We just wanted to see you. To let you know we were okay. We won’t bother you again.”

“Don’t do this!” Brooke cried, staring at their mother. “You have to say something! Please!”

Natalie felt the muscles convulse inside her chest; her sister sounded like a child again. A few tears rolled down her cheeks. She couldn’t stand the pain Brooke was in; they both had hoped for such a different reaction than Jennifer had given them. But there was no changing it now. The woman obviously wasn’t capable of having a relationship with them. It was time for them to leave.

Natalie took Brooke by the arm again, and this time, her sister didn’t pull away. “Thanks for talking with us,” Natalie said to Jennifer. “And we’re sorry to blindside you like this. I’ll leave you my card inside, just in case you ever change your mind. We wish you both the best.”

“Take care,” Evan said, rising from the couch to briefly shake Natalie’s hand. “Let me walk you to your car.”

“That’s okay,” Natalie said. “We’re fine.”

Evan nodded, and sat back down next to his wife. He put a long arm around her, and she leaned into his chest, closing her eyes. “I’m so sorry,” she said again, and then Natalie led Brooke into the house, stopping briefly to drop one of her business cards on the kitchen counter. A moment later, they were inside Natalie’s car, backing out of the driveway, pointed south, on the road toward home.

? ? ?

Lost in their own thoughts, the two sisters didn’t speak until they were almost halfway back to Seattle. Brooke wept quietly for the first ten minutes or so of the trip, but Natalie kept silent, knowing at this point there were few words she could offer that would provide any comfort. They’d made the decision to show up at Jennifer’s house together, but it was Brooke who seemed the most driven to confront their mother. It was she who had the deepest issues to resolve.

“I can’t believe she just shut down like that,” Brooke finally said as they passed the sign that told them the express lanes were closed heading into Seattle. “Can you believe it?”

“I don’t know,” Natalie said, carefully. “It kind of makes sense. We sort of sprang ourselves on her. Did you notice how shaky she was?”

“We were all shaky,” Brooke said. She stared out the passenger side window. “But she hardly answered our questions before she bolted. She didn’t ask us a damn thing about ourselves.”

“I think it was too much for her,” Natalie said. “She could barely speak when we were out on their deck. Maybe seeing us . . . getting to know us . . . would be too painful. A constant reminder of the things she felt like she did wrong.” This wasn’t about them, Natalie tried to convince herself. It was about Jennifer.

“She did do things wrong,” Brooke said, and Natalie felt her sister’s eyes on her. “She went to prison for them.”

“Right,” Natalie said. “And then she changed her life. She’s done a lot of good, too. For other inmates, and for herself. She’s built a successful career and what looks like a happy marriage. Maybe she’s worried if she let us in, she’d lose all of that. Maybe she’s just not wired to handle it.” She realized that in saying all of this to Brooke, she was attempting to convince herself of it, too.

“Maybe,” Brooke conceded. “But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

“I know,” Natalie said. “I had expectations, too. I wanted her to leap up and hug us. I wanted a mushy, emotional reunion. The kind you used to see on Oprah.” Brooke gave her the shadow of a smile, and then Natalie continued. “But we saw her, right? We did what we said we needed to. Everything that happened after that was out of our control. She can’t be who we want her to be, just because we want it. She is who she is. And we have to respect whatever boundaries she sets.”