Somewhere Out There(106)
“What did you ask?” Natalie’s mother said, keeping her voice low, as though she wasn’t sure she really wanted Natalie to answer.
Natalie went on to describe the brief conversation, and everything Jennifer had said about loving them when they were babies and wanting nothing but the best life for both of her daughters, knowing that with how screwed up she was, she couldn’t give that to them. Her parents listened intently, their spines held straight and their heads high as they waited for the one thing from Natalie she knew they really wanted to hear—now that she had met her birth mother, what would happen next?
“She doesn’t want a relationship with us,” she told them. “She seemed pretty fragile, actually. I don’t think she could handle it. She said it took a lot for her to get over the shame she felt about giving us up, all the mistakes she made, and I guess seeing us now . . . the thought of getting to know us better, or having us in her life at all, was too much for her.” The buzzing sensation in her chest grew more intense, and Natalie’s eyes grew wet. “Brooke had a harder time hearing this than I did, I think. But still, it was hard.”
“Of course it was,” her dad said. His tone was solemn, and his words were sincere.
Natalie shrugged, trying to appear more detached than she felt. “It’s probably for the best,” she said. “But I’m glad I at least got to meet her. I feel like I understand why she did what she did now, and how it affected her, too, so that’s good. I got some closure.” She looked at her mother, who hadn’t yet spoken in response to hearing that Natalie wouldn’t have any kind of ongoing relationship with Jennifer. “See, Mom?” she said, powerless to keep the quiver from her voice. “You don’t have to worry. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
Her mother’s expression melted from its frozen state into one of compassion. “Oh, sweetheart,” she said. “I’m so sorry.” She got up and came to sit next to Natalie. “She has no idea what’s she missing.”
There was so much love in those words, so much truth in her mother’s eyes, Natalie’s grief rose up from roots so deep she hadn’t known they were there. No matter the rationale behind it, no matter how much it made sense, the weight of Jennifer’s blatant rejection finally hit her, and she began to cry. Hot tears and jagged sobs racked her body until her mother—the only true mother she’d ever had—held her tight, and Natalie knew that she’d never let her go.
Brooke
As soon as Brooke entered her apartment after Natalie dropped her off, she kicked off her shoes and undressed, taking a moment to stand sideways and naked in front of the full-length mirror that hung on the back of the bathroom door. Her breasts were larger, and her belly was certainly rounded, though not quite as much as she’d thought it would be. At her latest appointment with her obstetrician, a follow-up after her trip to the ER, Brooke had asked if her baby girl was growing at the right rate. “I feel like I don’t look big enough,” Brooke said, and her doctor smiled.
“Every woman carries her pregnancies differently,” she said. “Some show right away, others don’t. If you remember I told you, your uterus is tilted toward the back instead of the front. Don’t worry. You’ll pop out any day now, and suddenly, you won’t be able to see your feet.”
Brooke thought about this as she ran her hand over the swell of her stomach, wondering if Natalie had shown from the start of her pregnancy with Hailey; she made a mental note to ask her sister about it the next day. And then she thought how happy she was that she had a sister she could ask these kinds of things. Especially after today, seeing their mother, she couldn’t imagine a life without Natalie in it.
Throwing on her most comfortable pair of fleece pants and a tank top, Brooke plodded out of the bathroom and climbed into bed. Curling onto her side, she pulled the covers up over her shoulders and under her chin, wondering if Natalie was home yet, and if she had filled Kyle in on what happened at their birth mother’s house. However much she tried not to think about it, Brooke couldn’t help but go over and over everything Jennifer had said, dissecting it for something that would take away the sting of the fact that she didn’t want anything to do with her daughters. Brooke understood that Natalie was right—if their birth mother wasn’t capable of handling emotionally charged situations, then it was better if they stayed away from her altogether. Brooke had seen, as much as Natalie had, how skittish Jennifer was when she talked with them.
She said she gave Brooke and Natalie up because she loved them. Because she wanted the best for them. Shouldn’t that be enough? Wasn’t that what Brooke really needed to know? Still, her heart pounded as she remembered standing in front of her birth mother on that back deck, begging Jennifer for something she clearly didn’t have in her to give. But then something dawned on her. Maybe what she and Natalie needed from her was something their mother never had in the first place. Maybe, Brooke thought, in walking away, she gave us the most important gift that she could.
? ? ?
The next morning, Brooke woke up around nine, not remembering when she’d finally managed to fall asleep. It was Wednesday, and she didn’t have to work until the following night. When she rolled over and checked her phone on the nightstand, Brooke saw a text from Natalie. “You doing okay?” it read, and Brooke quickly typed her answer. “I think so. How about you?” A few seconds later, Natalie’s response came back: “I bawled my eyes out on my mom’s couch last night, which helped. I’m better now.” Her words were followed by a long line of Xs and Os, which Brooke copied and sent back. It felt so good to have someone check in on her, someone who knew what she was going through well enough to be concerned.