Second Chance(52)

“To be friends with him, yes. I never thought it would turn into more. But now it has, is that such a bad thing? You seem to be very compatible, and getting on well.”

“We are, but I don’t think Jack feels as strongly as I do.” It was hard to say it aloud, but now the words had been spoken Nate couldn’t take them back. “I was in love with him for years. Ignoring that history was stupid, because as soon as I got involved with him I was in deep with no build-up. The years between don’t seem to matter, and it’s like I’m finally getting what I always wanted and never thought I’d have.” Nate felt foolish. He never opened up like this to anyone, let alone his mum. But now he’d started talking he couldn’t stop, spilling out his feelings like water gushing from a breaking dam.

“How do you know he doesn’t feel the same?” His mum asked. “Have you talked to him about it?”

“No. I think he likes me. I know he’s attracted to me. Maybe he’s even developing some feelings for me, but the balance is all off. I’m up to my neck where he’s still only knee-deep. I’m afraid that if I tell him how I feel, I’ll scare him off. But maybe if I wait he’ll catch me up eventually? I don’t know what else to do.” Nate took another gulp of beer. “But then he’s still talking about moving away. Just last week he was looking at jobs in London and Brighton. He doesn’t want to go back to Manchester, but I think he wants to be in a city.”

“Well, don’t you want to go back to London eventually?”

“I don’t know!” Nate said, frustrated. “But that’s not the point. If he’s thinking about moving away then he can’t be serious about me. He won’t even tell his parents about me for fuck’s sake.” She raised an eyebrow. “Sorry, Mum.” Nate tried not to swear too much around her.

She frowned. “Why won’t he tell his parents?”

“He says he doesn’t like them knowing his business, but I’m not sure that’s the only reason. He tries to avoid them even seeing us together as friends. Maybe he’s ashamed of me, or embarrassed about being involved with me.” Finally putting voice to that deepest, most gut-twisting, anxiety of all made Nate feel sick.

“Why on earth would he be ashamed of you?”

“Because I’m trans,” Nate admitted in a small voice. “Because some people will never see me as a ‘real’ man, and then what does that say about Jack? He’s an out and proud gay man. He might not want people to think differently about him because of me.”

“Anyone who thinks like that is an idiot,” his mum said fiercely. The conviction in her voice made tears prick Nate’s eyes. It meant a lot that his mum was so firmly in his corner now. It had taken her time to become the ally she was today. “And if you really believe Jack thinks like that about you, why would you want to be with him anyway? You deserve to be with someone who is proud to be seen with you. And from what I’ve seen of Jack, I think he cares about you a lot, so I hope you’re wrong. But the only way you can find out for sure is by talking to him.”

“Yeah.” Nate sighed. “I know. Thanks, Mum.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiled at him, and Nate managed a half-hearted smile back.

“You can put the TV back on now,” he said.

“Sure?”

“Yes.” Nate had talked enough tonight, and his mum had given him some things to think about. “I’m heading up to bed.” Beer in hand, he stood, then went over and leaned down to give her a hug. Squeezing her tight, he muttered, “Thanks again.”



“Have a good time,” Nate said to Cass as he dropped her and Adam off. It was Friday night, and they were going to a party in Filton. “And remember you can call me if there are any problems. I’ll keep my phone on until I know you’re home.”

“I’ll be fine, Dad.” Cass took Adam’s hand.

“What time is your mum coming to collect you?” Nate asked Adam.

“About midnight, maybe a little later. Cass will definitely be home by one a.m.”

Nate held Adam’s gaze, searching his face for any signs of untrustworthiness. He would have liked to have liaised with Adam’s mum directly about lifts to and from the party tonight, but Cass had organised everything and Nate knew he risked being too controlling.

“Okay, great.” Nate forced a smile. “Have fun then, and I’ll see you tomorrow, Cass. Don’t forget to text me when you get home.”

Nate tried to shake off the anxiety that lingered in his gut on the drive back to Hedbury. Cass would be a bit later than her normal midnight curfew, but it wasn’t a school night so Nate could live with that. And the fact that someone else was driving them back was a boon for Nate, because it meant he got to spend the whole night with Jack for the first time ever. Jack’s parents were away until Sunday morning and Nate was going to stay over tonight, and maybe tomorrow night too although they’d left that open.

Depending on how tonight went, Nate was thinking of broaching the topic of their relationship with Jack, either later tonight or tomorrow morning. He couldn’t keep his feelings a secret much longer; the uncertainty was eating away at him, and he needed to find out where he stood. He was going to try to be measured about it, not confess his undying love and propose or anything. But he wanted to be honest with Jack about the fact that this meant more to Nate than a purely sexual relationship, and to find out whether there was any chance of them making things a little more official—and that included asking Jack to tell his parents about their involvement.