Rushing the Goal (Assassins #8)(74)

Looking up, she met his remorseful gaze, and despite the heavy feeling in her gut, she whispered, “Tell me.”

She just hoped her gut wasn’t right—that this wouldn’t end them.





Benji wasn’t sure how this was going to go.

She was breathing deeply, apprehension radiating from her, and she almost looked like she was seeing him in a different light already. Which was not what he wanted, but maybe that’s how it was going to be. Either way, he had to be honest.

“Benji?” she asked, probably because he was trying to choose his words and was just sitting there, the only sounds their breaths and the jets of the tub. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. They were supposed to have fun, tub sex, cuddle, and be together, but of course, he had to be truthful. He couldn’t hide what he did; she meant more to him than for her to find out some shitty way later.

When she took his hand, she squeezed it. “Don’t mistake my freaking out as anything more than that. I’m freaking out because I’m worried about you. I’m worried that you’re scared this could end what we have.”

“You’re right,” he admitted, looking up at her. “I tell people and they run the other way.”

Her eyes widened but she didn’t let his hand go. “Jesus, what the hell happened?”

Taking in a long breath, he looked at their hands as one and prayed to the God he loved and believed in that she wouldn’t run. She couldn’t. He couldn’t handle it. She meant way too much to him, and it would be almost cruel to take her away now. But then, maybe that was his punishment—wave the woman, the life he wanted in front of his face, and then snatch it out of his grip.

God, he was so f*cking scared.

“When I was a kid, I met Ava Donaldson,” he said, his lips turning up at her name. “She was this gorgeous blonde who stole my breath and made me feel things I had never felt before. We got pregnant as teenagers, and I married her two days after we graduated high school. We were both newly eighteen, with a baby, but I loved her more than anything in this world. And I loved our baby, Leary,” he said softly, and Lucy’s eyes widened as she watched him.

“Wait, you’re married?”

He shook his head. “No, not anymore.”

Her face was full of misunderstanding as she held his gaze. “You’ve never spoken of them.”

“Yeah, because I’m ashamed.”

Her brows rose. “Oh.”

“Yeah, so…” he said, clearing the emotion from his throat. “I got drafted quick, promised her I would give her the life she wanted, and I did, moneywise, but I wasn’t there for her. I was running with my boys, drinking, having fun. I never cheated on her—that’s one thing I can be proud of, I never ever broke her heart that way—but I did break her heart with the drinking.”

“Oh, Benji,” she whispered, holding his hands with both of hers.

“She threatened to leave me so many times. I somehow convinced her not to, throwing out that Leary didn’t need to grow up without a father, in a broken home. She came from one and I used that to keep her. I wish I had let her go, though. Maybe things would have ended differently,” he said, the guilt eating him alive. He had never admitted that part to anyone. Not even to the group, but for some reason, he told Lucy. Because it was true. Man, how he wished he would have let Ava leave him. “I needed her. I loved her, and I promised and promised that I would change. I never did, though.”

Clearing his throat, he looked up, seeing that she was watching him, uneasiness all over her sweet face. It killed him; he didn’t want her to worry about him. To feel sorry for him. He did this all himself. He broke Ava’s heart. It was his fault, his burden, not Lucy’s. He shouldn’t have said anything, but when she lifted their hands out of the water, kissing his knuckles, her eyes urged him on and he couldn’t hold back.

He owed it to Ava and to Leary, to be honest.

“What happened then?”

“I talked her into a trip home, to Chicago, where we were both from. She didn’t like going home—she didn’t like my family much. Well, my brother, she didn’t mind, but my mom told everyone she was the whore who ruined my life,” he said and Lucy scoffed.

“Rick’s mom still says that about me,” she said with a shake of her head.

“Yeah, well, Ava didn’t take kindly to it and never wanted to go home. But I convinced her to because my family was having a family reunion and I wanted to go. My family knew about my drinking problem, but they were all drunks, so they fed into it,” he said, complete disgust in his voice. “I got f*cking trashed. Crazy drunk, drunkest I’ve ever been. I remember Ava saying we needed to go because Leary was tired. I couldn’t drive, and Ava didn’t know how to get back to the hotel. This was before there was GPS on our phones,” he said, and she nodded as his throat closed with emotion. “I got in the backseat, with Leary in her car seat, and she said, ‘Daddy, hold my hand.’ She was so cute,” he said, his voice breaking, and he had to look away, his eyes filling with tears. He could still hear her voice. The sweet lisp of her little voice, still trying to get her words right. She knew “Daddy,” though. She had that one down, and man, he loved that baby. He loved her more than he could love himself.

He still loved them.