Rushing the Goal (Assassins #8)(73)

Her heart sank as she watched him—the way his jaw was taut, the way he wouldn’t look her in the eye. This wasn’t how he was. Yeah, it had only been a week with him, but Benji was all about eye contact.

Shit, she was scared. “Okay.”

Moving his tongue along his lip, he swallowed hard. “I got swept up in the rookie life. I was with a young team, and they liked to party. I had grown up drinking with my family. Started young, really.” As he took another bracing breath in, his nerves vibrated Lucy’s soul and made her anxious.

Her nerves getting the better of her, she started talking. “Everyone drank early, at least, my family did. My mom and dad, as soon as each of us turned sixteen, made us drink with them. They’d get us trashed to where we would wake up, sick as dogs. It worked on me as a deterrent—I wasn’t much of a drinker. But it had the reverse effect on the boys, and they can still drink. I’m rambling. Why am I nervous? Okay, I’m shutting up.”

She snapped her mouth closed, and he smiled. Leaning to her, he pressed his lips to hers. “I really like when you ramble.”

She smiled sheepishly. “You’re making me nervous ’cause you’re so nervous.”

He shrugged. “Sorry, I really don’t like talking about it, but I want you to know.” She didn’t know what to say, so she just kept locked in his gaze as he cleared his throat. “But yeah, I came from a drinking family, lots of functioning alcoholics. Then I was drafted early, hit the NHL quick, and everything went downhill. I was a nasty drunk and I hurt a lot of people, almost lost my career, I, ugh—” He paused, letting out a long breath and shaking his head. Her heart was breaking.

Wow, she really cared for this guy.

Because one look in his grief-stricken gaze and she wanted to fix it. She wanted to make everything better. She wanted the grin, the teasing—she wanted her Benji back.

Not this nervous ball of regret.

“It’s okay, Benji, really. You aren’t that person anymore. I seriously didn’t ever think you could have done anything like that. You’re so upstanding, so great. Really,” she said, cupping his face and flashing him a small smile. “You beat it. You’re clean. How many people can actually say they did that? Not many, but you can, and I’m so proud of you.” He leaned into her hand and stared into her eyes, his eyes searching hers as he took in gulps of air. “God, smile, Benji. You’re killing me.”

His lips curved, but it didn’t meet his eyes. It was almost like he was struggling with something. Like he was holding something back, and she didn’t know why. It was crazy how easy it had become to read him in such a short amount of time. But she could, and he was killing her.

As he reached for her hand, lacing her fingers with his, he brought the back of her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. When he looked back into her eyes, something shifted between them as her heart ached for him. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she knew she cared about him enough to want to fix him.

To make him smile.

How did he do this to her? How did he become so important so quickly? Maybe she should take a step back. Maybe this was moving too fast. But it felt right.

So f*cking right.

“I never thought I could ever feel like this again. Happy.” His voice was so stricken that her eyes welled up with tears.

“Me either. But please stop looking like I’m about to bust a move out of here.”

He scoffed. “You’re not?”

“No!” she screeched, her lips curving. “You’re an alcoholic—you admit that and you didn’t hide it. You were honest and I appreciate that. I’m so proud of you. Why would I run?” Looking away, he slowly shook his head and her heart sank. “What is it, Benji?”

“Maybe it’s too early to go so deep?” he asked as he glanced up at her.

She sucked in a breath. “I mean, we haven’t gone on our first official date, but we’ve bumped uglies a few times and—”

“Bumped uglies?”

She made a face, unsure why she phrased it like that. Damn those younger brothers of hers and their crass language. “I’m freaking out here. But I will listen if you want to talk. If you don’t, then I’ll try to let it go. I’m not guaranteeing I can since I’m a nosy thing, but I’ll try.”

His lips curved as he took her by the back of her head, bringing her face to his, kissing her forehead. “You’re so adorable, you know?”

“I think my brothers say I’m insane.”

“That too,” he agreed, kissing her once more, taking her hand in his as she smiled. “I want to tell you, I do. But maybe right now isn’t the time.”

“Tell me what?”

“Why I cleaned up,” he said simply as she pulled back, meeting his eyes.

Holding his gaze, she nodded. “Does it have to do with this?”

She pointed to his chest and he looked down, nodding slowly. “Yeah.”

Chewing on her lip, she wanted to know. God, she wanted to know, but…

“Why wouldn’t now be the right time?”

He shook his head. “’Cause we’ve only been talking a week, and I don’t want to ruin our good time. The good thing that is coming from this.”

She understood what he was saying, and he was right. They were having a great night, lots of sharing and fun, but she needed to know.