Rule(95)

I was getting ready to say goodbye when footsteps crunching on the thin layer of snow still covering the ground made me lift my head up.  I felt my eyes narrow involuntarily and the corners of my mouth pull down when I recognized the figure making her way towards me.  Every instinct I had was to get out there before she could ruin my day but I stayed put because she was looking right at me and for once there wasn’t contempt or hatred shining out of her eyes.

“Mom.”

“Happy birthday Rule.”

I cleared my throat because I had no clue what to say to her.  I knocked my knuckles on the hard headstone and gave my brother a silent goodbye.  “I’ll take off so you can have some time with him.  I’m sure today is hard for you.”

I nearly fell over when she reached out a hand and put it on my forearm.  My mom hadn’t touched me voluntarily in years and it was enough to stun me into silence.

“It’s hard for all of us but that’s not why I’m here.  I actually called your work to see if I could maybe take you to lunch for your birthday.  I figured you wouldn’t answer if I called your cell so I asked your roommate where I might find you and he pointed me here.  I guess if I hadn’t been so busy trying to shut you out all these years I might have figured that out on my own.”

I took a step away from her because I was pretty sure aliens had abducted my mom and that this creature before me wasn’t real.  The things coming out of her mouth were almost too much for me to take in.  “Where’s dad?”

“Home.  He’s working on getting through to your brother and after all that’s happened I needed to be the one to come to you.  Can I take you to lunch or maybe for coffee?”

I didn’t want to go.  I didn’t trust her or her motivations but it was my birthday and we were standing at my dead brother’s grave so turning her down just didn’t seem like a viable option or one I could live with later on.

“Coffee would be alright.”  She gave me a smile that was sad, I mean really, truly sad and I realized for the first time that my mom had a dark tunnel she disappeared into as well, that maybe it was a trait I learned from her.  We walked back to the parking lot in silence and I followed her back to Brookside even though all I wanted to do was keep in driving back to Denver.  We stopped at the Starbucks I always hit up and I let her buy me a coffee while I settled into a semi secluded corner and stretched out my legs.  I could tell she was nervous so I tried to relax and not be as guarded as I always was around her.

“I’ve been talking to a specialist.  Your dad found someone here in town that deals with grief and family issues.  I think it’s been really helpful.”

I blinked.  “That’s a change.”

She smiled ruefully and I caught a glimpse of the woman who had raised me before our relationship had been tainted with tragedy.

“After the way things went at dinner your dad had reached his breaking point.  It was go and get help or watch my husband of thirty-six years walk away from me.  Dale has always been the only constant in my life, I wouldn’t make it without him and it took realizing how alone I would be if he walked out the door to make me see what I’ve done to my family.”

I could only stare at her in shock.  I didn’t know what to say or do so I just kept sipping on my coffee and watching her.

“You asked me how I could love Remy knowing how different he was while I always had such a hard time with you and I want to try and explain things.  It’s not an excuse, our relationship has never been easy, we’ve never been as close as I was with your brother and it started when you were both born.  You guys were early which is pretty common with twins, only you came out strong and healthy bellowing your little head off, Remy wasn’t so lucky.  He had the cord around his neck and was breech, it took a lot of work and effort to get him here alive and well so from the start I think I focused more on him than on you which makes me a terrible mother but didn’t mean I didn’t love you both.  Remy breast fed, you wanted formula and when you were old enough to walk Remy held onto my fingers and tottered all over the house, you pulled yourself up using Rome as a lever and then just took off on your own.  Your brother always needed me, always wanted me and you, well you were like you are now; independent, fierce and determined to blaze your own way in the world and I just let you go.  Your dad and I both just let you slip away.”

I was having a hard time breathing but I was so focused on what she was saying that it didn’t seem to matter.  “When Remy brought Shaw home I was so excited.  He hadn’t ever shown any interest in any other girl meanwhile your dad caught at least a girl a week sneaking out of your window and we were starting to put the pieces together about him.  I was convinced he was just waiting for the right girl and Shaw had it all, she’s lovely, well educated, comes from money it never occurred to me that she was too delicate, too broken down by her own family to be with someone as gentle and sweet as Remy.  She needed someone strong, someone not afraid of all things that tormented her day in and day out so of course she picked you, she’s loved you forever.  I saw it, your dad saw it and even with that we let Remy use her and snow everyone into thinking they were an item because it was just easier than dealing with the truth.”

She stopped fidgeting with her cup and met my stunned gaze.  She had tears in her eyes which were nothing new, but these ones for once seemed generated by actual regret not overbearing anger and blame directed at me.