Rule(92)

I was messing around on my phone, returning texts from Cora and surprisingly most of Rule’s boys, letting them know I was fine when the door opened and he came in.  I looked up and watched him so I saw the initial anger that was stamped all across his handsome face quickly bleed into horror at the sight of me all battered and bruised.  I saw his chest inflate and deflate as he sucked in an audible breath and moved to the end of the bed.  We stared at each other in silence and I noticed absently that his hair was still normal and unruly as well as it’s natural dark brown color. I still hated it because it made him look like a stranger.  His eyes looked wild and too big for his face; a full blown blizzard was sweeping out of the cold depths.  He was messing with his lip ring like he did when he was nervous and I realized if I didn’t say anything there was a good chance we would spend the rest of the afternoon watching each other warily.

“You didn’t have to come.  I’m fine just a little banged up.”

His big hands tightened on the end of the bed and I watched as the snake head bend and flexed with his aggravation.

“I wanted to see for myself that you were alright.  You could have called to let me know you were hurt.”

I refused to look away from him and he seemed infuriated each time his gaze landed on another part of me that was broken.  “Well considering you haven’t spoken to me in almost a month it didn’t seem very logical to let you know what was going on.”

His mouth tightened.  “You’re right.  I should have been there.  You shouldn’t have been alone.”

I sighed and clenched my hands in the blanket.  “You’re right, you should’ve been there but not because Gabe is crazy and not because I needed protecting from him, you should have been there because you cared about me as much as I care about you but that isn’t the case.  No one is to blame for this mess but Gabe, he’s sick and broken and chances are even if someone had been with me he still would have gone all stalker crazy so it is what it is.  I don’t hold anyone accountable but him, besides my body is already on the mend it’s my heart that still feels like it went through a food processer.”

“Shaw,” he tried to interject something but I held up my good hand and looked him right in the eye.  “I’m tired of my love not being good enough.  I thought when this started with you I would be okay with whatever it was you were willing to give, thought I could love you enough for the both of us since I had been suffocating in it for so long, but I realize now that I deserve more.”  I blinked back tears that snuck up on me.  “I deserve it all because I’m willing to give it all.  I would have worked through the darkness with you, Rule.  What I won’t do is watch you walk away from me every time something happens that has the potential to hurt you.  I’m sorry I never talked to you about Remy but I told you all time and time again we weren’t a couple, you had the undeniable proof on my birthday, you should be mad at him for keeping it a secret, not me.  You were right all along; we don’t trust each other enough to ever have had a chance at making this work.  I think I wanted it too much and you didn’t want it enough.”

I was surprised to see moisture in his eyes when I was done talking.  The only time I had ever seen Rule cry was at Remy’s funeral.  He reached out a hand like he was going to lay it on my leg but retracted it before he ever made contact.

“Shaw what if I did love you?”  His voice was just a hint above a whisper.  “Seeing you like this it makes me want to murder Davenport with my bare hands, but it makes something deep inside me hurt.  I’ve missed you these last few weeks but I was also furious with you, I just couldn’t get the two to ever line up.”

I gave my head a sad little shake and let the tears gathered in my eyes fall.  “What isn’t enough.  I’ve spent my entire life trying to live up to unreachable expectations, you were the only thing I ever wanted for myself and once I got you, you felt like you had to entirely change who you were in order to be with me, I refuse to put the same kind of expectations I always struggled with on someone else, even if I didn’t ask that of them.  Parts of us are great together, Rule but other parts of us just don’t work.  All this,” I waved my good hand over my reclining form.  “Will knit itself back together.  It’ll be fine and we’ll just go back to whatever it was we were doing before.”  I made sure that he understood I was talking about everything from the gash on my head to my abused heart.  I would get over him, there just wasn’t another option.

“You’ve always been in my life Shaw.  We should’ve been able to make this work.”  I wanted to shrug but I only had one working shoulder so that wasn’t an option.  Instead I swiped at my tears with the back of a hand and offered him up a shaky smile.

“There are a lot of things that maybe should have gone one way and didn’t.  I know most people thought you and I being together was a long shot anyway so we should just be grateful for what we had.”

“I feel like I’m letting you down, letting everyone down and for once it’s bothering the hell out of me.  I just don’t know how to work around what’s going on up here.”  He tapped his temple with a finger.

I was crying in earnest now and it was on the tip of my tongue to tell him that if he could just love me, just learn to let me love him the way he deserved, the way I desperately wanted to then it would all be fine but that wasn’t the case.  we needed to believe in each other, needed to trust that we were enough without trying to be other people in order to be together and that just wasn’t happening so I closed my eyes and for once was the one to shut him out and fall into the dark.