Rule(98)

I was so happy to hear that she didn’t have a date with another guy that I let out an audible sigh that had her raising a pale eyebrow at me.

“What did you want to talk to me about Rule?  It’s nice to see you and all but I have to say I’m kinda surprised you’re here.”

I wanted to tell her that I needed her, that I wasn’t the same without her, that she was my entire world but what fell out of my mouth was, “I had coffee with my mom today.”

I saw her eyes get big.  “Wow.  That’s huge.”

“She found me at Remy’s grave.  I was alternately chewing him out and telling him how much I miss him.  I go every year on our birthday.  Did you know that dad threatened to leave her if she didn’t go get some help?”

She bit her bottom lip and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to climb up and replace her teeth with my own.

“I didn’t know that’s what Dale told her but I knew it was bad.  They’re used to you pulling away but having Rome shut them out and refuse to let them see him off really did some damage.  I’m glad it’s helping.  You guys are a family, you need each other.”

“That’s the thing Shaw; I never thought I did until you.  I never thought I needed anyone or anything until you got into my head and started breaking down all the walls I had built around all my feelings.”

We stared at each other in a tense silence.  Until she sighed softly and uttered, “I’m not sorry.  It’s not a bad thing to feel, it’s not awful to care about other people.”

I watched her carefully.  I couldn’t tell how she was feeling and it made laying it all out on the line for her even more frightening.  “No it’s not bad but it scares the hell out of me.  I never had anything to lose before and losing you nearly undid me.”

She sucked in a sharp breath and I saw a myriad of emotions cross her eyes and face.  “It undid me too.”

I shoved hands through my hair and met her gaze trying to let her see everything I was feeling.  I wasn’t good at expressing this kind of emotion and it was frustrating me.  “I want you to know that there’s been no one but you Shaw.  You’ve got me running in circles and so wound up there could never be anyone but you.  I miss you.  I know you want undying declarations of love, I know trying isn’t an option that I just have to do it but I want you and I need you and more importantly I get that you need me too.  Not some watered down synthetic version of me that makes being together easier but the fully leaded, hard to handle me that you can lean on because I’m strong Shaw and I’m not going to let anyone, your family especially, devalue all the wonderful things you have to give.”

I got to my feet and walked to where she was leaning.  She had enormous eyes and I could see her chest moving up and down frantically with rapid breaths.  She still hadn’t said anything so I pulled the pen I had stashed in my back pocket out and laid my hand out.  “I’m not Jet so I can’t write you a song that makes you understand how important you are to me.  I’m not Nash so I can’t find a building and paint you a mural that makes see that it all starts and ends with you for me.”  She placed her hand palm up in mine and didn’t look away as I bent my head and began to do a quick sketch with the ball-point across her super pale skin.  “I’m a tattoo artist, I’ll probably always be a tattoo artist and I don’t know how that plays into your future or the future you have planned after school and frankly I don’t care.  This is what I have to offer you Shaw and just like you let me be your first, I’m letting you be mine,” I covered her entire palm with a detailed drawing of a sacred heart, it matched the one I had inked on the center of my chest.  It had flames dancing up the back, a crown of thorns on top of it, a spray of roses along the bottom and in the center I drew a scrolling banner with my name in the center.  “Here’s my heart Shaw.  You have it in your hands and I promise you’re the first and last person to ever touch it.  You need to be careful with it because it’s far more fragile than I ever thought and if you try and give it back I’m not taking it.  I don’t know enough about love to know for sure that’s what this between us is, but I know that for me it’s you and only you from here on out and I can only promise to be careful and not push you away again.  Life without you in it is doable, but if I have a choice I want to do it with you by my side and I’m telling you I’m not running away from the work it takes to make that happen.  Shaw I’m not scared of us anymore.

When I was done I was breathless but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders because even if she rejected me at least she knew how I felt.  I let go of her hand and she curled her fingers around the drawing that covered her palm.  When I lifted my eyes to hers I was a little surprised to see tears shining in the emerald depths.  She put the hand that I didn’t draw all over on the side on my face and ran her thumb over my bottom lip, pausing at the hoop.  Her mouth crooked up on one side and just like that I knew everything was going to be alright.

“I was going to crash your birthday party tonight.”  We were close but still separated by a few feet.  I couldn’t look away from her and she opened her other hand and put it on my chest over where the heart matching the one I just gave her laid.  “That’s where I was going later.”