Ruby Shadows (Born to Darkness #3)(47)

“No, never.” I plucked up a little courage and looked up at him. “I mean, part of it is probably because I feel like it’s better to just avoid…anything like that. Because when you start thinking about it, you start wanting to do it and pretty soon you’re in trouble.”

“What kind of trouble?” he asked softly.

“You know what kind. The kind that loses you half your power and cuts your potency as a witch in half. The kind that ruins your life.” I looked down at my fingers, twisting in the white fur coverlet. “I just…don’t want to end up like Keisha.”

“Who is Keisha?” he murmured.

“My little sister.” Then I realized I was telling too much. “Never mind—I don’t want to talk about her.”

“All right. We don’t have to if you’d rather not,” he said. “So you try not to think sexual thoughts or have sexual feelings but even when you allow yourself to reach for pleasure, it eludes you?”

I gave a sad little laugh.

“Ha—that’s a nice way to put it. But yeah, I guess so.” I sighed. “I just can’t…seem to find the right way. I mean, I know that sounds ridiculous—I’m a grown-ass woman—I ought to be able to help myself. But nothing seems to work.”

“And have you spoken to anyone about it?”

I shrugged, not meeting his eyes.

“A few friends who thought I was weird. I mean, it’s awkward to bring that up in the first place and then to admit that I can’t…that I’ve never…” I shook my head. “Anyway, so that didn’t help. Then I took a human sexuality class in college and I finally got up the nerve to ask the professor about it.”

I sighed, remembering the horrible, embarrassed feeling I’d gotten when I finally stammered out my question.

“She was supposed to be this big expert,” I said. “She’d written something like twenty books on sexual expression and female sexuality.”

“And what was her advice to you?” Laish wanted to know.

I crossed my arms over my chest and shook my head.


“She said to get a vibrator. Which is what I kept reading everyplace I looked for help too. But I got one.” I vividly remembered how nervous I’d been, smuggling the forbidden sex toy into Gram’s house and hiding it under my mattress.

“And did it help at all?” Laish was being really understanding about this—I couldn’t help thinking that it was easier talking to him about my problem than it had been with any of the friends I’d trusted or the well-credentialed professor.

“It didn’t,” I said, with a sigh. “For one thing I kept thinking every minute that I might get caught with it. And it was so loud—I felt like everyone in a three block radius could hear me…you know, touching myself.”

My cheeks got hot as I said it and I couldn’t look at him anymore.

Laish still didn’t seem a bit perturbed.

“But did the sensations it gave you feel good? Or were you too preoccupied with your concerns about privacy to notice?”

“It was too intense,” I admitted softly. “Too much. I felt like I was being shocked with an electrical charge down there. Like someone put a live wire to my coochie.”

“Not very conducive to pleasure,” he murmured and there was amusement in his voice.

“You’re laughing at me,” I accused him. “This must seem really funny and pathetic to you—a woman my age who can’t help herself…help herself come.” My cheeks went hot saying it but it was the truth and it made me feel sad and defective all over again to admit it.

“On the contrary, mon ange, I do not find your situation funny at all. But I don’t think it’s quite the problem you make it out to be.”

“Not a problem?” I flared at him, feeling irritated. “Of course it’s a problem! I want to have what every other woman in the world has! I want to be able to feel sexual pleasure!”

“Except that you don’t,” he pointed out softly. “You don’t really want to feel it because you fear it—fear it will lead to other things. Such as the loss of your powers…or perhaps the loss of your grandmother’s good opinion.”

His words hit home and I couldn’t deny they were true.

“Maybe,” I mumbled, looking away again.

“Gwendolyn…” He cupped my cheek and turned my face to his so that I had to look at him. “I submit to you that perhaps your problem, as you call it, is more mental than physical.”

“How do you mean?” I asked, frowning.

“Think of it. You fear your sexual feelings because of the way you have been raised. Your sister dared to go against what you were taught with disastrous consequences which reinforced your fear.”

“But I tried,” I said earnestly. “I really tried and it never happened. And I don’t just mean with the vibrator…with…with my fingers too.” I felt like my face was going to catch on fire as I admitted this but I had to say it—had to let him know I’d really tried everything before I finally gave up and decided it was better to live a sexless existence.

“You tried, you say,” Laish mused. “But I’m certain every minute you felt watched…feared someone might walk in and see you doing such a ‘shameful’ thing.”