Rooted (Pagano Family #3)(77)

Finally, weariness heavy in his voice, he asked, “What does that mean, Carmen?”

She didn’t know. “I don’t know.”

“Have you changed your mind?”

She would not be forced into someone else’s choice. That ultimatum, having the choice laid out for her so starkly, had made her incapable of even considering its merits. She would not be forced. “Have you?”

“No.”

There it was, then. The end. “Okay. I guess…okay. Merry Christmas, then.”

“Be well, Carmen.” He ended the call.



oOo



Carlo and Sabina stayed home from Midnight Mass with their sons, but everyone else went to Christ the King. They met the Uncles and aunts and Nick there, as usual. The Uncles had come to some kind of détente in their war, Carmen supposed; they hadn’t had bodyguards for a while now. Things were back to normal, and even moving forward again.

Uncle Ben was thrilled to learn of the new baby and honored that he’d been named for him. The Uncles and their wives planned to come over on Christmas Day to meet the little one.

After Mass, all the siblings went back to the house and stayed the night. Once Trey was asleep, the annual gift shift got underway, with brightly wrapped boxes materializing from the cellar, the attic, next door, various car trunks and back seats. And then, finally, everyone went to bed.

As depressed as she was, Carmen found some comfort in the full feel of this house she loved, which held everything about her life that was worthwhile. For good or ill, this was her life. Here, in Quiet Cove. Nowhere else. That had to be true. What she knew about herself and her life fell apart without the roots that had grown into the foundation of this house.

But even lying in her childhood bed, surrounded by her whole family, on Christmas Eve, Carmen felt hollow. She lay staring up at the ceiling, knowing she wouldn’t sleep, playing over and over that call to Theo. Hearing Rosa, Eli, and Jordan talking and laughing in the background. Theo’s detached, fed-up tone. His monosyllabic response when she’d asked if he’d changed his mind. “No.” Like the end of them wasn’t worth more energy than those two letters.

Little Ben began to cry, and then the floorboards creaked as somebody went to collect him. Carmen got up and slid her arms into her robe. She wanted to see the little guy again.

She found him with his father, sitting in the living room, feeding him a bottle. Carlo looked up when she came into the room. “Hey, Caramel. Can’t sleep?”

“No.” Carlo was in their father’s big leather chair. Carmen sat on the floor at his feet.

He cocked an eyebrow at her. “Are you going to be able to get up from there?”

“Smartass. Yes. I’m not that far gone yet.”

They were quiet for a while, watching the baby. Without taking his eyes from his new son, Carlo said, “Can we talk about what’s going on with you?”

Carmen regretted coming down. “Nothing to say. It didn’t work out.”

“But you love him.” He didn’t ask, he stated. Because he knew it was true.

“Doesn’t matter. It’s not enough. He wants me to give everything up and move to Maine. I can’t do that.”

“I love you, Carm. I love you so much. But you worry me. You used to follow your heart. Now I’m not sure you even know where it is.”

His words hurt, and she flinched as if he’d slapped her. “Jesus, Carlo. Why would you say something like that?”

“I don’t mean you’re heartless, sis. Not even close. I mean you’re lost. You put yourself aside so often that you’ve forgotten where you left you. That wild girl you used to be. The one who used to stand up in Tony Napoli’s CJ-5 while he flew down the highway, your arms over your head and your hair flying behind you like a flag. Remember her? She was awesome.”

“And what am I now? Worthless?”

The baby fussed, and Carlo set the empty bottle aside and put his new son on his shoulder. “No! You’re unhappy. You’ve been unhappy for years. You made a good life, but you made it out of other people’s leavings. What do you want? You don’t have to take care of the family anymore. You could let somebody take care of you. That would be okay.”

“I need to stay here, Carlo. With the family. It’s what I know will be here always. That’s what Teresa needs.”

“Is it what you need? Is it what you want?”

Now Carmen was definitely regretting coming down. She swallowed down that blasted lump in her throat. How could she know what she needed? And what she wanted? When had that f*cking mattered? “Carlo, stop. I made my choice. It’s the right one. I know it. It has to be.”

They stared at each other while Carlo patted Little Ben’s back. Finally, he nodded. “Okay. You’re right about one thing, at least. We’re here. We’re always here.”

“I know. That’s how I know I’m right. About all of it.”

She stood and went back upstairs, leaving Carlo alone with his new son. Curled again under her old, sunny yellow quilt, Carmen wrapped her hand around the necklace Andi had made her, full of nurturing stones. Like jasper.

Here, her home, was right. It had to be.





20



The new year started cold and thick with snow. Eli had helped Theo put the plow on the lawnmower while he and Rosa were in for Christmas, and it was getting regular use. Theo and Jordan spent the first two weeks of January quietly, mainly in the house. Theo worked on refreshing his syllabi and getting his courses ready for the spring semester and got a new home improvement project started, keeping busy, trying to keep his mind off of Carmen, and trying not to think about booze. He had dumped everything that had been in the house, and at least the snow had the significant effect of making it too much trouble to go out for more. When he felt the need to drink, he went outside and chopped wood or plowed the drive or just walked in the woods until it passed.