River's End (River's End Series, #1)(89)

Jack appeared to be Ben’s age. He looked so young, it squeezed her heart to see his shining face next to his young bride. He didn’t even look like he shaved yet. Moving to the left, Erin saw more snapshots in a multi-picture frame that held a dozen of them. There was one of Jack, Lily, Ben and Charlie posing before a Christmas tree. Jack’s family. Her heart contracted.

He already did all of this. And had all of this. He’d been married, and had two sons, one of whom was almost closer to her own age than Jack was. The hard reality deflated her illusions and dropped into her gut. Jack was simply getting laid by her.

Sitting down on his bed, a weariness overcame her and made her heart feel like it suddenly morphed into a block of heavy concrete inside her chest. She stared down at her feet and clutched her hands together. The loneliness that so often gripped her in private suddenly climbed up her chest and lodged like a knot in her throat.

Jack stood in the center of the room with his arms crossed over his chest. “Look, Erin this is going to be awkward no matter what because everyone knows about Joey. And it won’t be long before they know what happened with us.”

What happened with us. As in the past. As in a onetime event. An event that she didn’t see coming, and now that it did, she wished it would mean everything. Tears burned the back of her eyeballs, but she could not cry. Not now. He could never see how vulnerable she felt with him, or how he broke her heart, or how pathetic she was. She didn’t lie and really was like fourteen-year-old Marcy Fielding. She just wanted Jack to like her too.

“Yeah, it was great. Better than Joey. No one will be surprised, Jack. No big deal, it’s me, and they already know how I am.”

He frowned. “I don’t think that’s quite what I meant.”

“Why?” she asked suddenly, her eyes meeting his with a scathing expression. “Why did you do this? Why did you have to do this with me? You had no right.”

“No right to what? You wanted to, Erin, I didn’t imagine all of it.”

“I might have wanted to, but I never intended to actually do it. I finally fit in here. I finally lived down my episode with Joey. And now, here I am: back to being the town slut.”

“That’s not what happened.”

She stood up and crossed the room, staring out the dark window and the stars shining overhead. “I thought you’d never let that happen. And if it ever did, I guess I thought it would mean…”

She quit talking before she said more than she should have and really let Jack know how much power he possessed over her. Instead, she said, “I thought it would mean more than just you getting laid and falling asleep.”

He stood there, staring at his own feet. Finally, he stepped towards her. “It did mean more than that. I get it. I screwed up. Look, Erin, I’ve wanted you and only you since about the first moment after I laid eyes on you. I watched my little brother strike your fancy, and tried to ignore it, and resist it, and be mad at you about it; but no matter what I did, there it was. I didn’t just get laid with you. Believe me, I wanted to get laid by someone while I was gone. The thing was: I didn’t want anyone else but you, so I didn’t even look.”

She turned around slowly. “A lot of men have had sex with me. They all like my hair. And how small I am. And that I’m skinny. They don’t care whether or not I’m stupid and can’t even read. They never once showed me how to do anything. What you want with me now is something I gave your brother, as well as a lot of other men. I’m not interested in giving that to you, Jack. I don’t want to have meaningless, casual sex with you.”

“I never said it was meaningless.”

“You fell asleep. I asked what you were doing, and you said, ‘getting laid,’ and then you fell asleep without another word to me. That’s meaningless sex. Believe me, as you’ve pointed out so many times, I should know, shouldn’t I?”

He stepped in front of her and frowned. “In my defense, I was exhausted today. I didn’t plan to do this, not really. Not like you think. I never intended to sleep with you as much as you never intended to let me. So… it happened. I don’t know what I said. I was there, inside you, looking at you, so can you cut me a little slack for not being at my most articulate? For months, I just lay awake here, imagining what you were doing upstairs with my brother. Then, you’re with me, and you know what, Erin? I wasn’t thinking straight. But it was never meaningless.”

“Then what was it, Jack?”

Jack let out a long, weary sigh as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I haven’t been with anyone longer than a one-night-stand since Lily died. And there was never anyone before Lily. I don’t date. There was never anyone I wanted to date. And suddenly, here you are. Living here. Every day. And all I can think about is you. All day, all night. And not just to have sex. I’ve had enough sex to know the difference. I really don’t have a clue what it all means.”

“You shouldn’t have started this.”

“Then you should have stopped me.”

She looked away. “I didn’t want to stop you.”

“Part of the problem is that I have two kids who live with me. It’s not as easy as it is for a single man. I have my boys to account for. As you already witnessed. That’s why I never brought it home before.”

“What are you getting at?”