River's End (River's End Series, #1)(70)
She kept her job at the coffee stand. A week later, she stopped dead in her tracks when she turned from an order to find Jack parked at the opposite window. He wore sunglasses and his customary cowboy hat. She couldn’t make out his expression, and hesitated, anticipating his irrational wrath becoming directed at her. But instead, he just smiled at her, and his eyes made a conscious effort to stay focused above her chin as he ordered a cup of black coffee. He paid and touched the brim of his hat with a hand before smiling at her again, and leaving. She stared after his truck, which glinted in the hot, powerful sun. What was that?
It was Jack’s total acceptance, she realized as she served the next man in his dusty pickup. The smile that curled her lips had nothing to do with the leering, bearded man, but rather, at the changes Jack’s reception of her brought into her life.
As May faded into June, River’s End grew alive with the explosion of lush, green leaves that filled in all the gaps in the landscape. Erin never experienced having sunshine every day and it did wonders for her moods. The days started to get hot, and already several were past eighty degrees. She was told regularly that she’d soon hate the incessant heat and sunshine when July and August brought endless dust, no rain, and scorching days on end of ninety degrees and above temperatures.
The river became a swollen, muddy mess for a month as the snowmelt filled it with a dangerously swift, rushing mass of brown water mixed with logs, boulders, and sticks. She had to move further up on her beach to sit because her favorite spots were now submerged beneath the spring melt. She spent every afternoon there. Already clad in shorts, she managed to get a tan for the first time in her life.
She lay on the beach for hours, sometimes letting the sun’s rays soak into her, heating her up, and warming her skin along with her brain. She was… relaxed. She didn’t know what to do about that. She had a place to live, where she could stay on without fear of eviction. She had security for the first time in her life and that changed everything for her.
She thought about Jack. Every single day, she thought about everything Jack had done for her. He managed to give her a new life. He gave her a sense of freedom and the chance for a life she never dared to imagine. However, all she could think about was that day in the barn; and the taste of his mouth with his strong body all around her, and his hand inside her. When she thought about Jack, she felt very different from how she ever did before with men and sex.
Usually after having sex with anyone, even Joey, she never thought about it again. She didn’t think about how it felt, or why she did it. She simply forgot about it, buried it, and moved on with her life. But with Jack, she thought about it all the time. She thought about how it felt, how she felt, and could feel him still. It was a new experience to her and she didn’t know what it meant. His presence, whenever he was near her, set her skin on fire and made her feel safe. She couldn’t explain that because for so long, he was the source of all her anxiety. She saw him as a threat and a vehicle for homelessness. But he nevertheless made her feel safe and protected. It was dangerous for her to feel that for a man who would never take another step towards her.
Erin sighed, sitting up off the sand after her thoughts, once again, traveled to that day in the barn. She wished, as she did so often, she’d taken a minute longer that first day she came on the ranch and just looked at Jack. If she had really looked at Jack, deeply into his eyes, she was sure she would have never, ever looked at Joey again. She was sure she’d get the hot, flushing awareness she now felt each and every time she even glimpsed Jack. If only she’d been smart enough to take a second look that first day.
But she didn’t. She set her sights on Joey, and in that stupid, pointless act, managed to alienate Jack from her. She felt sure he’d never again touch her. Not now. Not after she slept with his little brother. It wasn’t the right thing to do, or the decent thing to do, and now she saw Jack as the most decent, upstanding man she’d ever known.
She often came to dinner now and each evening had a decent meal to eat. She started to gain weight that was much needed and made her look and feel better. Her skin seemed to glow and radiate a healthy color instead of the sickly pallor of before.
She started showing up earlier in the evenings because she knew Jack would still be out working, and hung out with Charlie, or Ben, and sometimes, even Kailynn.
Erin liked Kailynn. She decided that one evening when she was drawing with Charlie and Kailynn was finishing up before getting ready to leave. Kailynn was quiet, and thorough, seeming to avoid even looking at Erin. She barely answered anything Erin said to her, but despite all that, Erin still liked Kailynn.
Erin wanted to make friends with Kailynn because she wanted a woman in her life, someone to talk to, and relate with. She wasn’t sure how to make that happen, though, since Kailynn seemed to disapprove of her.
She figured at some point, if she got into Kailynn’s way often enough, she’d finally get Kailynn to acknowledge her.
Erin also hoped by being around Jack more frequently, and inside his house, she could finally grow immune to his charm. It always worked for her in the past. After she was with any guy long enough, he lost all his appeal and attraction, which she once harbored towards him. The problem with Jack was, the more time she spent near him, watching him, and listening to him with those around him, she only grew more interested, more attracted, and even more reticent around him. She couldn’t understand her strange reaction to him.