River's End (River's End Series, #1)(74)

“I heard what you said to Joey.”

“About what?”

“About burying someone you love. I'm sorry. I was ready to go home when I heard you two.”

“So you listened.”

“Yes.”

“So you heard me say I’d side with Joey if he demanded it?”

She smiled. “That’s exactly what I’d expect from you. It’s one of the things I most admire; you’re loyal to a fault. I wish I had anyone who was that loyal to me, especially my own brother. Actually, I was wondering more about Lily.”

His armor fell back over his heart. No. He didn’t talk about Lily. He didn’t grieve for Lily with anyone. Not even his own sons. But… her big green eyes were searching his face with care and curiosity. She wanted to know. She wanted to know him. And damn, if he didn’t want her to know him.

“How old were you and she when she died?”

His jaw tightened. His stomach twisted. He hated discussing Lily. Finally he said his tone abrupt, “Twenty-nine.”

“Ben was close to Charlie’s age, right? Charlie doesn’t remember her, does he?”

“No. Why are you asking this?”

“I don’t know anything about it. I guess I wanted to understand.”

He looked out into the night. “I knew her my entire life. We went on our first date when we were fifteen years old. We got married when we were just nineteen, and purposely tried to have Ben, starting on our honeymoon. She was the only woman I’ll ever love.”

Erin’s gaze was on his face and he could feel her looking at him, evaluating him, processing what he just told her in case she had any delusions otherwise. “It’s like you lived a whole lifetime before you were thirty. And I haven’t even started my life.”

“That’s because you’re a chicken, Erin.”

Her eyes widened when he turned and fully looked at her. “What was that for?”

“For not calling Allison. You won’t even try. And the only reason I can see is because you’re too scared to fail.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like.”

“No. I don’t. But I do understand that life is unfair, and it often sucks, but when you can change things, you have to do it. You don’t give up just because you’re scared.”

“You don’t know the first thing about being weak, stupid, or unimportant, now do you, Jack? You’ve always been in charge of your life, and had this ranch as your backup. You’ve never been known as the stupid one in the room. You’ve never doubted yourself. It’s not a choice for me to make. It’s just a fact for me. Yeah, I’m scared. I’m scared every day of my life. Every day I used to wake up, wondering what’s going to happen to me. Will I eat today? Or have a place to sleep tonight? So, you’re right, I’m scared, Jack. I’m always scared and alone, and sometimes, it seems like it will never change.”

He was quiet, but finally said, “It has changed for you. You have a place to sleep every night, that’s guaranteed. You also have enough to eat too. No one will hurt you on my ranch, and no one will make you leave either. Why won’t you believe that?”

“Because the last person who promised to stay in my life left her body for me to cremate.”

Tears welled in her eyes and she used the back of her hand to wipe them.

“Erin?”

She held a hand up. “Forget it, Jack. I know what you were trying to say. I know I should call Allison. I just… can’t.”

“Look, I’m sorry. Your mom was the chicken shit. Not you. I shouldn’t have said that. Sometimes, I’m not real sensitive. Lily was always telling me that.”

She snorted, then looked at up at him. “You can’t call a dead woman a chicken shit.”

He smiled. “Yes, I can. I can after she did something like that to you. You know you didn’t deserve it, right?”

She shrugged. “You’d think so, huh? Thing is, most times I don’t agree with you.”

“Well, you should.”

“What was she like?”

“Who?”

“Lily? What was she like?”

He frowned and shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about her.”

“You never want to talk about her.”

“You never want to talk about why you can’t read. And that’s a hell of a lot more relevant to now, than my dead wife.”

She didn’t answer, but gripped the edge of the railing until her knuckles turned white. “Okay, fine. I guess, I don’t talk about it.”

“Would you?” He finally asked his tone far gentler. “I’d like to understand it. It would really help me to understand this about you.”

She swallowed and shifted her gaze out to the darkened land. “I tried to learn. I really did. My mom yanked me out of school every few months, so I was so far behind, there never seemed to be a chance to get caught up. Everyone knew it and ridiculed me for it. When I quit going, no one noticed. And when I started getting into trouble, still, no one noticed. It wasn’t like it is for Ben. There was no one like you to see that I went to school, did my homework, and came home each day. No one cared if I needed any help. No one gave a shit. So I pretended I didn’t either. Mom read and signed anything I ever needed. That was it. I worked and partied and slept around, there was no reason for me not to. And never once did she or anyone else tell me to do anything differently. I managed to stay away from the pills and alcohol, but that was the only really smart thing I’ve ever done. When Mom died, Brian did what he did. So I left. I came here.”