Protege(39)

“Hell of a job that must be.” Bryson laughed. “No previous spouses?”

“No.”

“Jude,” Ezra called, likely sensing his fraying patience. “I have that paperwork you were awaiting. Join me in the library?”

Relieved, he nodded and turned to Bryson. “Excuse me.”

When he entered the library with only his friend he cursed. “Brys is f*cking relentless.”

“He’s lonely since Cheryl left, Jude. Cut him some slack.”

“He’s got his eye on Collette.”

Ezra laughed, refilling his drink. “So does everyone else. She’s new and undeniably attractive and we all know she’s here to try new things. Don’t think Lea isn’t driving me nuts with requests.” His voice pitched high. “‘If Jude picks another woman for her first time I’ll never forgive him.’”

Jude chuckled. “Duly noted.”

Ezra sighed. “What’s the matter, Jude? I expected you to show up glowing, for Christ’s sake. I mean, it’s been a while since you’ve had a woman at your disposal.”

“I’ve never been short of women, Ezra.”

“There’s a difference and you know it. Now, tell me what’s going on with you.”

He sighed. “I think I made a mistake.”

“So soon? Own up to it and ask her to forgive you. You’ve been out of the game for a while. You’re only human.”

“No, I mean I think it was a mistake for me to take her on. I’m just not into it like I used to be.” Within his own wants she was perfect, but the idea of taking her outside his comfort zone was less tolerable than he’d thought it would be. He used to be able to bend on account of others’ education. Perhaps he was getting set in his ways.

His friend slouched and rubbed his brow. “Jude, do you know what it would do to her if you passed her off after one day? It wouldn’t matter what explanation you gave. She’d take it personally. That’s not fair. She’s vulnerable and new to this. Rejecting her could be scarring—”

“I wouldn’t be rejecting her. I just feel someone else could do a better job—”

“To her it would be rejection. You know that. And no one’s more qualified to sponsor her than you. What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking I’m not cut out for this anymore. Doesn’t it ever get old for you?” His friend’s expression shuttered and he quickly apologized. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Ezra put his glass down and steepled his fingers over his chest. “It’s my life, Jude. It used to be yours. I don’t believe people change that drastically. You’re still the same guy you were with Tiffany.”

“I don’t want to be that guy.” He’d given her everything—pushed past his own comforts with each subtle request for more—and she still walked away.

Ezra sighed. “You know, people think it’s the sub that gives,” he said in retrospect. “Most don’t realize the toll it takes to always be in charge, to always be the deciding voice. The responsibility always rests on our shoulders. It’s a lot.”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

He wished he knew. “The kink used to be enough. I love the Dom lifestyle, but . . . I don’t think I’ll ever trust a sub again. And as far as f*cking—never a problem. I could walk out of this room and have any woman’s mouth on my cock in a matter of minutes.”

“Half the men, too,” his friend joked.

“But it means nothing. It’s all playacting.”

“Are you saying you want something more? Put your name back in the system, see if anything turns up.”

“I don’t even know my taste anymore. I’ve never been extreme, yet I’m very specific. Trust and loyalty were my cornerstones and I’ve lost that.”

“So,” Ezra said slowly, “take advantage of the opportunity in front of you. Use Collette to rediscover your passions and perhaps the rest will come.”

Jude nodded, knowing his friend would never endorse his passing her off to someone else. With that and his conscience riding him, it looked like he had twenty-nine days of obligation in front of him. He exhaled, resigned.

Perhaps he could, as Ezra suggested, use the time to determine how his preferences had evolved, though he doubted he’d ever marry again, monogamy remained a strong pull. He would only ever abide a relationship with him as the dominant head of the household. Perhaps he could find a contractual agreement apart from matrimony, but again, he cringed at the superficial taste that left in his mouth.

“She’s a beautiful woman, Jude. Don’t look like you’ve been given a death sentence.”

He grinned, laughing at how dramatic he was being. “You’re right.” Exhaling, he shook off his worry. “God, what’s happened to me?”

“Your heart was broken and you’re still a bit fragile. It happens.”

“Thanks.” Jude nodded, truly grateful for a friend like Ezra who understood the depth of feelings beneath a good Dom. “We better go check on the others.”

Ezra returned to the den and Jude went to check on Collette, pausing at the entrance to the kitchen. The women gathered around the granite island in the center of the kitchen, several half-drunk glasses of wine between them.