Protecting Her(44)

I cry myself to sleep and wake up to the sounds coming from the baby monitor. Garret is babbling in his crib, which he always does when he wakes up. He hardly ever cries. He wakes up happy and content.

I go upstairs to his room. When he sees me, he smiles and holds his arms out for me. Coming in here every morning is the absolute best way to start my day.

“Good morning.” I pick him up and hug him. “How’s my big boy today?”

The clock in his room says it’s just before seven. I wonder if Pearce already left for work. I didn’t hear him go so maybe he’s still home. I walk down to our bedroom. He’s not there. The bed is made like he didn’t even sleep in it. Maybe he slept on top of it instead of under the covers. Or maybe he didn’t sleep at all and went back to work after I fell asleep.

“Mama.” Garret kisses my cheek.

“Thank you, sweetie.” I kiss him back. “Are you hungry? You ready for breakfast?”

We go back to his room and I change his diaper, then we go downstairs for breakfast. And so begins another day as a single parent.

At five-thirty I wait for the call that I know is coming. Every night, between five-thirty and six, Pearce calls to tell me he’ll be late. That he won’t be here for dinner and isn’t sure when he’ll be home. I don’t even want to answer the phone. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just let it ring.

“What should we have for dinner tonight?” I ask Garret. I’m holding him on my hip, standing in the kitchen, looking in the cupboards.

“Would you like spaghetti?” I open the fridge and move stuff around to see what’s in there. I spot half a jar of marinara sauce. I have partial containers of everything because I’m always eating alone and can never finish the whole thing. “How about chicken?”

“Dada,” I hear Garret say.

“Daddy’s not having dinner with us. Daddy’s at work.” I open the meat drawer. “If we want chicken, we’ll have to go to the store.”

“Dada,” he says again.

I bounce him a little. “I know, sweetie. You want Daddy, but he’s not home.” I take the marinara sauce out. “Let’s just have spaghetti.”

“Rachel.”

When I hear his voice, I close the fridge door and slowly turn around. Pearce is standing behind me, holding a bouquet of yellow tulips, which is what he used to always bring me when we were dating.

I set the jar of sauce on the counter. “What are you doing here?”

He smiles. “I live here.”

“I know, but…why aren’t you at work?”

“It’s five-thirty. I’m done for the day.” He sets the flowers down. “I want to be with my family.”

“Dada!” Garret reaches for him.

Pearce takes him from me. “Daddy’s right here.” He kisses his cheek and Garret lays his head on his shoulder. I almost cry seeing them together. I don’t even remember the last time Pearce held him.

“Is this just for tonight?” I ask, not wanting to get my hopes up.

“No,” he says, his face very serious. “I, um…I’m sorry, Rachel. I don’t know what’s been going on with me. I really don’t. But it’s not going to continue. I miss you.” He glances at Garret’s head on his shoulder. “And I miss him.”

“We miss you too.”

Pearce leans down and kisses me. “I love you. And I am very sorry for how I’ve been treating you. And Garret. I’d like us to talk about it later, after he goes to bed.”

I nod.

“For now, let’s have some dinner. Would you like to go out?”

“I’d kind of like to stay in.” I want Pearce here. At home. I want the three of us together as a family.

“Then we’ll order something. Whatever you’d like.”

“I’ll order it. You play with Garret. He wants to play ball with you.”

“Bah!” He points to the mini basketball that’s in the family room.

“Daddy’s going to change clothes quick.” He sets him down and Garret starts crying.

“He thinks you won’t come back,” I say.

Pearce scoops him up and over his shoulder. “Then I guess you’re coming with me.”

Garret’s crying quickly turns to laughter as his dad takes him up the stairs. When they come back down, Pearce gets on the floor with Garret and tosses the mini basketball around. He plays with Garret differently than I do, in more of a rough-and-tumble way, chasing him and tackling him. And Garret loves it. He needed his dad. I just wish it hadn’t taken Pearce this long to figure that out.