Protecting Her(43)

Then I watch TV, by myself, like I do every night. Pearce will get home after I’m asleep, and he’ll be gone when I wake up. It’ll be like he wasn’t even here.

I fall asleep on the couch with the TV still on.

“Rachel.” I wake up and see Pearce sitting next to me. The room is dark, but from the glow of the TV, I can see him there in his suit. His tie hangs loose around his neck and the top two buttons of his shirt are undone. His head looks heavy and tired.

“Sweetheart, let’s go to bed.” He rubs my arm, which is the most he’s touched me all week.

“What time is it?”

“It’s one-thirty. I got caught up in some things at the office and ended up being there later than I’d planned.”

That’s always his excuse. He’s always getting ‘caught up’ in things at the office. I don’t even know what the hell that means.

“Just go.” I turn my back to him and pull the blanket over me. It’s the cashmere blanket Pearce bought me in Italy. That trip seems so long ago and yet it’s only been a few years. “I’ll sleep here.”

“You’re not sleeping here. Come on.” He tugs on me but I resist.

“Pearce, just go to bed.”

“I want you there with me.”

“You’ll only be in bed a few hours. What difference does it make if I’m there or not?”

He reaches for the remote and shuts the TV off, then turns on the lamp on the end table. “Rachel, what’s going on?”

I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t even know where to start. Why does he need me to explain this to him? He should already know the answer.

“Are you going to say something?” He sounds angry. How dare he sound angry. He has no right to be mad. He’s the one who’s never here. “Rachel, I need to get to sleep. I’m exhausted. So if you have something to say, just say it.”

I turn back to face him. “You really don’t know?”

“Know what?”

I close my eyes, a lump in my throat. “Just forget it.”

He sighs. “I’m sorry I’m late. I know I missed dinner but it couldn’t be helped. There were issues with one of our clients and I had to schedule an emergency meeting and—”

“Stop.” I sit up. “Just stop making excuses. I’m tired of hearing about meetings and clients and all the other people and things that come first in your life. What about your son? Where does he fit in all of this? Are your clients more important than him? You’ve already missed almost the entire first year of his life, spending it at the office instead of here with your family. And for what? We don’t need the money. So why are you doing this?”

“I’m helping out my father. You know that. We’ve talked about this.”

“Yes, but your father is better now. You don’t have to keep working all these hours. Jack runs a company that’s larger than yours and he works a normal day.”

“Jack is in a different industry than us. It’s not comparable.”

“What are you saying, Pearce? That nothing’s going to change?”

He doesn’t answer. He just rubs his forehead and then his eyes.

“Pearce, I can’t be in a marriage like this. I can’t—”

“Rachel, you’re tired and so am I. Let’s talk about this tomorrow. I promise I’ll be home for dinner.”

“No.” I drop my head, shaking it side to side. “You won’t be home for dinner. Something will come up. Then you’ll call me and say you’ll be late and we’ll repeat this scene again tomorrow. I can’t keep doing this, Pearce. If this is really how you want to live your life, then go ahead. But you’re going to do it alone.” My voice cracks as I say it. “I’m not going to watch Garret stand at the door every night, waiting for you to get home, only to be disappointed when you never show up. I’m not going to have you promise to play catch with him and then never do it. Or promise to show up at his baseball games and then not be there. If that’s how it’s going to be, I’d rather have you not be in his life at all.” Tears are now streaming down my face.

Pearce just watches me, not saying anything. Then he slowly stands up and goes upstairs. No discussion. No goodnight. No kiss. No hug. Nothing. I don’t know what that means. Is he saying this is over?

I break down, my tears now a full-out sob. I don’t know why I said that just now. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to break up our family. I didn’t think Pearce did either. I thought when I said those things, he would make a commitment to change. To stop working so much and to spend time with Garret and me. But that didn’t happen. I know he loves us, so why is he doing this? Why is he pushing us away?