Present Perfect(97)

“You’re right, grasshopper. Lifehouse is a hell of a group.”

“Ah, the student becomes the master and the master becomes the student.” Dalton picked up a pillow from the sofa and popped me with it.

I started gathering up our leftover pizza to put in the kitchen. “So why aren’t you and Mr. Perfect together?” My head snapped involuntarily in his direction.

“Wow! Not into subtle transitions, are you?”

“I don’t have time for that shit. Answer the question.”

“Um…” I sat back down on the sofa.

“Small dick? Is that what it is?” He tilted his head to the side with mock sympathy across his face.

“No,” I said.

“Dick too big? You know a lot of people think it’s size that matters, but that’s not true. You could be hung the size of a baseball bat, but if you don’t know how to swing it, then it’s just a dried up piece of wood. If you know what I mean,” he said, raising his eyebrows and tilting his head again. I just stared at him. The things that came out of his mouth sometimes were truly amazing and not in a good way.

“It’s complicated.”

“What’s so complicated? He gets nekkid. You get nekkid and…” He suddenly stopped talking in mid-sentence. I looked over concerned. He was staring straight ahead, not moving. I knew he had had seizures before and thought he might be having one now.

“Dalton? Are you okay?”

Keeping his gaze still and focused ahead, he held up his index finger and said, “Hold on…I’m still picturing you nekkid.”

Slapping his upper arm, I yelled, “Dammit Dalton! That’s not funny.”

“So where was I? Oh yes. You both get nekkid and get bizzzaaay.” He paused for a moment, looking at me with sincerity. Seriously, what’s the deal?”

I let out a deep sigh and debated whether or not to answer his question.

“Noah and I have always been best friends. I need him in my life. If we were to cross that line and something happened to break us up, I wouldn’t be able to survive it. I would rather keep him in my life as a friend, than risk losing him completely. And I would lose him because I would do something to ruin things. I always do.”

Dalton studied my face for a few seconds. I saw his eyebrows slowly scrunch together, his eyes narrowed at me as his lips formed in to a straight line. “Amanda, that is the stupidest and lamest shit I have ever heard.”

“It’s true. My sister and her friend dated and it ended badly. They hate each other now. Emily is perfect at everything. If she couldn’t make it work then I sure as hell can’t. Noah deserves better than that.”

He twisted his entire body around to face me. “Ah young grasshopper...perfection is an illusion nurtured by insecurities.” I looked at him as if he had gone insane. “Emily’s not perfect.”

“You don’t have to say that to make me feel better.”

“I’m not. She’s got a crazy left eye.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I noticed it the first time I met her. I looked her in the eye. Her right eye looked at me, but that left eye was all over the place. It freaked me out.” He made a goofy face and rolled his eyes all around, causing me to laugh out loud.

“I’ve never noticed that before.”

“Maybe the guy she was dating got freaked out by the crazy eye.”

“I don’t know. She never said what happened.”

“Now that we have established that Emily is a circus freak and not perfect, you can’t use her as an excuse. So, answer the question.”

We sat there several minutes before I was able to answer. I wasn’t comfortable talking to Dalton about Noah, but once he started a conversation, he wouldn’t let it go.

“I’ve never measured up to be what I feel he deserves and now with the amputation and cancer…I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Stop making excuses because you’re scared. Why don’t you let him decide the type of life he wants and who he wants in it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve met a lot of people in my life and I don’t like any of them. I like you. I knew we were going to be friends, the second I saw you walk into chemo. You’re smart, funny, and hot. You don’t act like a girl and make a big deal when I cuss. Amanda, you can’t do anything about the past and people like us, don’t know if we have a future. The past doesn’t exist anymore. All we have is the present. The present’s perfect, young grasshopper, because we’re breathing, moving, laughing, crying, and are surprised when we finally meet someone we connect with. Stop living in the past and wasting your present. You need to tell Noah how you feel.”

“What if it’s too late and Brooke is the one who makes him happy.”

“It doesn’t matter. He deserves to know how he impacted your life. He gave you a gift. You know what it feels like to love someone. That doesn’t come along every day, at least not the real kind. You need to go thank him for that before you have to say goodbye. Everyone deserves a thank you and goodbye.”

The recognition I felt when he said those last few words ran like a shockwave through me. I wrote that exact same thing in my journal when Noah’s dad died.