Precious Consequences(31)

This is what I wanted, isn’t it? For Cameron to still be in my life, even if just as friends? Only, I thought it would feel better than this and as much as I want to deny it, I’m disappointed that ‘friends’ is our only option. Because really, I want more. And I can see that he does, too, but like me, he’s fighting it. We both know this won’t work, but we’re deluded enough to think it can.

We stare at each other for a while, not saying anything, thinking about what we’re about to attempt. Cameron brings his hand up to my face and cradles it, his thumb stroking my cheek. Our breathing changes and the air thickens as we stand surrounded by everything we feel but don’t surrender to, and everything we should say but don’t. The energy humming between us is starting to suffocate me, and even if I want more, and I want so much more from him than I will ever admit, I do the only thing I can. Because not having him, in any way at all, is simply not a risk I’m willing to take.

So I break. I give in. I relent.

“Okay, Cameron,” I sigh, my words heavy as they leave my mouth.

“Okay, what?”

“Okay we can be friends.”

The intensity of his stare sears me. “Is that what you want?”

No! I want more. I want all of it. I want all of you. And I want you to want me, and my daughter! I yell, only he can’t hear me because it’s in my head.

“We have to try,” I whisper.

Cameron’s hand lingers a moment longer, a moment I wish would last forever, and then it drops to his side. “Okay. Friends.”

And then I see it. The look on his face. He wants more, too, and I can tell that it scares him. It scares me, too.

“Will I see you later?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” I reply honestly. “I have to go home and check on Ari before my class at eleven.”

He nods, saying, “I’ll walk you to your car.”

We’re about to leave when a tall, leggy blonde comes into the pool area. Her bleached blonde hair swishes with her hips as they sway, a little to vigorously if you ask me, from side to side.

“There you are,” she chimes, locking her gaze onto Cameron. I bristle, and then rebuke myself. I don’t know who this girl is and I shouldn’t care.

“Rachel, what do you want?” Cameron asks with annoyance.

“I came to see if you wanted to grab coffee,” she replies, coming to stand at Cameron’s side. She looks between the two of us.

“Not right now, I have to go shower,” Cameron lies.

Rachel grins and I can almost hear her purring. “Even better.”

Cameron rolls his eyes and then looks at me somewhat apologetic.

“Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” Rachel asks me. I take a good look at her, something about her face and blonde locks seem familiar. When it doesn’t ring a bell, I shrug. “No, I don’t think so.”

Feeling uncomfortable, I look back to Cameron. “I’m going to get going, but maybe I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later, Hayley.”

I scurry out of there, unable to leave fast enough. Something about that girl felt off, and it had nothing to do with how she was touching Cameron. Although, that bothered me too.

“Friends,” I mutter to myself as I climb into my car. “We’re just friends.”



Chapter 11

~ Mid - November 2013 ~

~ Cameron ~

I release a sigh when I finally walk out of my last class for the week. Exhaustion is slowly creeping up on me and I have to stifle a yawn. I look around, watching people pass me by, noticing how quickly fall has arrived. I’ve been swimming a lot more and as much as I want to say it’s to improve, that would be a total lie. I don’t need improvement. I do it to stop thinking about her and the colossal mistake I’m making by agreeing to be friends. But in these past weeks, after Hayley and I came to our agreement, I’ve found that being just friends is so much harder. We see each other at lunch everyday, and sometimes she’ll be at our swim meets and practices with Hannah, but it feels like we’ve been avoiding each other. Maybe I have. Maybe I know being around her is too difficult when I have finally acknowledged that something has changed, yet again. Another switch has been flipped and now I’m stuck. Stuck between what I know, which has been sex and no feelings whatsoever, and what I wish I didn’t feel.

I’m walking past a grass patch, between the campus coffee shop and the library, when a familiar laugh stops me in my tracks. I turn quickly and immediately wish I hadn’t. Hayley and Hannah are sitting on a bench under a huge oak tree, sipping coffees and laughing about something. I walk a little closer, but stay far enough away so that neither of them would see me if they look my way. I’m just close enough so that I can hear bits of their conversation. I step out of the way of other students and watch her. She throws her head back and her glorious, sweet laugh fills the air. It travels, reaching me, pulling me to her. Her nose scrunches when Hannah says something and I chuckle. She’s so damn cute when she does that.

I take another step closer, catching more of their conversation. I’m curious to know what they’re talking about.

“Are you sure you can’t come?” Hayley whines. “It’ll be fun. We need a girl’s night out. We’re going to a bar, just outside of town.”