Playing It Safe(90)

He sets his fork and knife down and wipes his mouth with the napkin. As he picks up his wineglass, he shoots me a curious look over the candles. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

“No, thank you. I’m not hungry.”

My stomach picks this moment to growl loudly because I’m sure it’s sick of peanut butter, Doritos, and ice cream and wants nothing more than to eat a real meal for a change.

“Are you sure about that?” Alex asks with a grin. “Or are you simply fighting me on this like you do everything else?”

“I might be just a little hungry,” I mumble under my breath.

So I start eating. Well, we’re both eating, but in complete silence. It’s strange because I really want to drop this tough exterior act, apologize, and tell him how much I wish I’d never said those things to him. But I don’t.

It’s killing me to the point that I lose my appetite after three or four bites of food and put the fork down on my plate with a loud clank. I can’t even sneak a glance at him across the table for fear I may lose my shit again. And by lose my shit I mean cry a river, and I’ve had enough of that to fill my days and nights for the rest of my existence.

“Julia,” Alex says in a tender tone that breaks my heart.

I dart my eyes up at him to find his eyes soft and as blue as ever. It gives me a fleeting sense of hope, but I don’t say anything back to him.

“Come here.”

I hesitate for a moment, then answer him by standing up slowly and walking over to him, his eyes following me every step of the way. When I reach him, he pushes his chair out and grabs both my arms, pulling me to sit down on his lap. And I don’t know why, but the tenderness that he shows while he arranges me makes me teary-eyed.

He uses his thumb to wipe away a tear on my face with a small smile playing across his lips. I clasp my hand onto his wrist to keep him close. Alex responds by cupping the side of my cheek as I burrow into the warmth of his skin and close my eyes at the feeling.

God, I’ve missed him. Every little thing about him. And I know in the back of my mind I don’t deserve him after what I did, which makes this moment even more bittersweet for me.

“Alex, I’m so sorry.”

“Julia, before you say anything, let—”

“No, you let me talk for a minute, even though I’ll probably stick my foot down my throat again somehow.”

He nods, so I pour my heart out and give it my best shot.

“I’m so unbelievably sorry for saying all those awful things to you. You didn’t deserve it, and I didn’t mean it, really I didn’t.” I take a quick breath and blow it out, trying to focus on his gorgeous eyes, which are staring intently at every word coming out of my mouth. “I was burned once—badly—by someone who I thought loved me, and I’ve been hiding and pushing people away ever since. So when I saw you with Marisa at an innocent dinner, I took it as my out to save me from the potential heartache down the road. And for that I’m truly sorry because I never gave us a chance.”

Alex tries to interrupt, but I place my finger on his mouth to stop him. “I also want to tell you that I’ve missed you like crazy. I’ve been a f*cking mess every day since you walked out my door. I would have come crawling back to you sooner and begged for your forgiveness, but the way you left … it scared me, and I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again after the things I said that night.”

Again, he tries to speak, but I press my finger against his mouth with more force. “And I’d like to say one more thing.” This time I close my eyes because I haven’t said this to any man in what feels like an eternity. So just above a whisper I confess it to him. “I love you, Alex. So much. And you don’t have to say it back to me, but I at least wanted to be honest with you for once.”

I open my eyes and watch as he smiles against my finger until all I see are his dimples. He pulls my finger down, and his hand that is cupping the side of my face slides to the nape of my neck.

“Are you done?”

I nod and wipe away a stray tear. His hand on the back of my neck tightens, and it brings a flurry of butterflies to my stomach. He pulls me closer until his forehead rests against mine. I close my eyes again, wanting to memorize this moment forever, and then he opens his mouth to speak.

“I spoke to Sabrina.”

My eyes fly open. “You what?”

“She told me everything,” he says.

“Oh my God, I’m going to kill her,” I say under my breath.

“No you’re not. She’s a good friend and loves you very much and was only looking after you. Something about a pinky swear.”

I smile. “We did pinky swear.”

“I was only giving you until the weekend to get your shit together before I came pounding on your door.” He goes on. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t come sooner, because I love you too, Julia, and I missed you like crazy.”

I want to kiss him so badly, but I’m afraid, so I lick my lips to keep myself from making the first move. Yup, still a chickenshit.

“Alex?”

“Julia?”

I grin because I’ve missed this too.

“Will you please kiss me?”

“Not until you tell me you love me again.”

I loop my arms around his neck and poise my lips over his. “I love you, Alex.”