Picking Up the Pieces (Pieces, #2)(111)

I walked into the gym and my eyes scanned the room as I started to stretch. But my movement halted when my eyes settled on him. The blaring rock music thumped in time with my heart as my whole body reacted to seeing him. It had been over a month since I'd last spoken to him. And though I refused to admit it at the time, what he had said to me that morning at breakfast had shaken me to my core—had made me question every feeling I'd had in the past year and a half. Made me wonder . . .

"Hey," Max said.

I hadn't even registered that his class had ended and that he currently stood directly in front of me. It took every ounce of willpower I had to resist scanning his body, to ignore the post-workout glow that emanated from him. Goddamn, he's so f*cking sexy.

"Hey," I finally managed.

We stood there for a second, both struggling to find something to say. But what could be said? He'd laid it all out for me. Gift wrapped himself and dropped himself at my feet. And I'd refused him.

"How's Mary?" Wow, Lily. Worst. Question. Ever.

He looked at me curiously for a second before simply replying, "That's done. Like I told you, I just can't do that to her. She deserves better."

I wanted to disagree. Because if there's one thing I knew, there was no better than him.

"How's Adam?"

I shouldn't have been shocked by this question, but I was. "I'm, uh, I'm not sure actually."

He tilted his head, trying to read the meaning behind my words.

"He and I . . . it didn’t work out.”

He was unreadable, except for the intake of a shaky breath. He quickly plastered on that cocky grin of his. "I wish I could say I’m sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, well, it's for the best. I think I just need some time. You know, to figure my shit out." My words were a cop out. Telling him I needed time was my way of brushing him off, and avoiding having to face my feelings about him. Because while I was attracted to Max, and while a part of me would always love him, I wasn't sure we were what was best for each other. He represented everything I had tried to change about myself. And while I didn't necessarily like the person I had morphed into, I didn't really like who I'd been back then either.

He nodded slowly, and watching him caused pain to ripple through my chest. Why am I always hurting him?

"Well, I hope you get it all figured out." His words were sincere, as was his heated gaze.

"Thanks."

"Bye, Lily."

And that's when something broke through. Adam had said these same words to me, and I'd barely flinched. But Max saying them caused panic to seize my body. His words held a finality that caused my stomach to bottom out, and I just couldn't let this be it.

So against all reason, against all the things I had told myself were for the best, I stopped him. "Max?"

He exhaled deeply, causing his shoulders to drop from the place of tension they had been. He slowly turned and looked back at me.

"There’s talk of the teachers at Swift all meeting for happy hour next Friday at Flanagan's. We're going to be celebrating making it through another school year. If you're not busy, I'm sure all of the teachers would love to see you."

He thought for a second before answering. "Would you love to see me there?"

Why couldn't he ever just let things be easy? I rolled my eyes, trying to downplay what he was asking. "Yes, I'd like to see you there." I couldn't keep the grin from my face, so I stopped trying.

"Then I'll be there," he said before turning away from me and walking out of the gym.

And as I watched his perfectly shaped ass go, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell I was getting myself into.

***

The next week was brutal. My emotional state swung like a hormonal teenager's. One minute, I was questioning if I'd tried hard enough with Adam, the next I was thinking about giving things a try with Max. And then I contemplated if a bigger slut had ever graced the globe. However, I quickly thought of some of the female twats I worked with, and felt reassured.

But this was still wrong . . . wasn't it? Adam and I had been in a serious relationship for months. I couldn't jump into another one less than a month later. And did I even want a relationship with Max? I'd shunned the idea for a year and a half, and I see him sweat-soaked after a workout one day, and now all of a sudden I want to commit to the guy? That was ridiculous. Totally ridiculous.

And f*cking appealing on so many levels.

And that's when my mind drifted to Atlantic City, and to the words Max had told me there. For the first time since that day, I allowed Max's voice to invade my thoughts.

I know the difference between reality and illusions. And I know that the Lily I was close to was much more real than the one who’s standing in front of me right now.

He was right. This girl. She wasn't me. I had spent so much time forcing myself to grow up, to be the mature woman who wouldn’t make stupid mistakes that hurt people just because I wanted to follow what felt good. But this Lily wasn’t any better than that one. At least who I had been a year ago was real: the emotions, the mistakes, the chaos. It was all so much more real than this projection I was now. I was alive then. I was merely existing now.

I wanted to cry for that girl: the one I left behind last summer when I decided to “find” myself in Europe. But I couldn’t. Or wouldn’t maybe. This was the culmination of my decisions. There was no one to blame but myself. I couldn't go back. I couldn’t un-become who I was.