Picking Up the Pieces (Pieces, #2)(106)

“Who is it?” I heard her voice ask tentatively.

At least she’s home. Though that thought was quickly replaced by my hoping that she was alone. And as my mind snowballed into her having a guy in her apartment, I silently scolded myself. Get it together, Carter.

“It’s Adam,” I rasped. I heard the sounds of the chain dropping and the bolt clicking before the door flew open. I didn’t like the look on her face. She looked . . . unhappy to see me.

“Adam, what are you doing here? Are you okay?” She was hugging the door, but moved back enough that I could enter. Closing it softly behind me, she turned toward me expectantly.

I took a seat on her couch, and she joined me. “I’m not allowed to come see my girlfriend?” I felt the shy smile on my face, hoping that my joking would set a more positive pace for our conversation.

“No, I mean yes, no . . .” She sighed deeply and smiled. “Yes, you’re absolutely allowed to be here. You just usually call. I’m surprised to see you.”

“Is it a good surprise?” Despite my desire to keep the tone light, my words were tinged with a childlike curiosity. I needed to know the answer, and I needed it to be the truth.

“Of course,” she replied with a tight smile. “When it’s you, it’s always a good surprise.”

Her posture was rigid and her eyes dropped as the words had left her mouth. She’s lying. And with that, the feelings of betrayal started to wash in like the tide during a hurricane. First she goes to Atlantic City with that *, then she becomes distant after the wedding, and now she’s f*cking lying to me. I couldn’t help the thoughts forming in my head, or the words that were about to be released from my mouth. I was pissed.

“Do you have many people knocking on your door who aren’t good surprises?” My voice was nearly a growl, so deep I almost didn’t recognize that it had been me who had spoken.

She looked at me apprehensively. “No, I don’t get many door knocks. None actually.”

I exhaled heavily and dropped my head to my hands, pulling my fingers through my hair. “What the hell's going on here, Lil? I feel like I’m going crazy.” I steeled my resolve and looked up at her. “You’re avoiding me. I’m here to find out why.”

She bit her lower lip, her hands fidgeting in her lap. “I don’t know what you mean. I’ve just been tired.”

“That’s two,” I boomed as I held up two fingers. “Two times you’ve lied to me since I walked in here. Now shoot straight with me.” I waited for a few seconds, but when she made no move to speak, I filled the silence. “Are you seeing someone else?”

She rolled her eyes and scoffed as though she were disgusted. “Of course, that’s what it always comes back to, huh? I need some space, and automatically it’s because I’m screwing someone else. That’s really perfect, Adam.” She stood up and began to pace around the living room.

I followed her movements with my eyes. “You never said anything about needing space. You haven't said much of anything. What am I supposed to think?”

“So this is how it’s going to be? I’m going to spend the rest of my life worrying that if I withdraw a little from you, you’re going to immediately assume I’m f*cking around on the side? I can’t live that way, Adam. I shouldn’t have to analyze everything I do for how it’s going to affect you. Sometimes I need to do things because they’re right for me.”

“Ignoring your boyfriend is right for you?” I stood, her coffee table separating us. “Christ, you are still so selfish. You only ever think about what you want. Well here’s a newsflash: maybe you should spend a little time analyzing how things are going to affect me. If you’d done more of that last year, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in right now.”

She just stared at me for a minute, her face contorting as if she were truly seeing me for the first time. And that was just fine, because as far as I was concerned, this was my first time seeing her as well.

When she finally spoke, her voice was low and calm, a complete contradiction to the fire and brimstone in her eyes. “You said you weren’t going to do that anymore.”

“Do what?” I ground out.

“Throw the past in my face. But you can’t help it, can you? I wonder, is it the first thing that pops into your head whenever you think of me? Or just when I do something you don’t like?”

“What are you talking about?” My voice was laced with incredulity, as if I thought she were crazy. But she wasn’t. I knew exactly what she was asking, and she wasn’t wrong for asking it. I had to get over these insecurities. And while I knew I put up a good front for Lily, I knew that the reality was I was far from over them. It sometimes felt like I was waiting for her to hurt me again. I resented myself for it, but I had to admit, a part of me resented her for it too.

“The pain, the betrayal, the bullshit. Can you even look at me without seeing it?”

The only sound in the room was that of our labored breaths, fuming like dragons. My mouth was suddenly arid, and my brain sputtered. I couldn’t ask her for the truth and not give her the same courtesy. Still, I had to force the word from my body. “No.”

Her shoulders sagged as though they were about to cave into her chest. I saw the glistening in her eyes, and both cursed myself for putting the tears there and celebrated that I had wounded her like she’d wounded me.