Picking Up the Pieces (Pieces, #2)(107)

“Then why the hell are you with me?” Despite the fallen look on her face, her voice was steel.

“Because I love you.” I stated the words simply because they were that simple for me. They were the reason I’d put my pride aside and given her a second chance.

“You really think that’s enough?”

I couldn't tell if she was genuinely asking me or implying that I was naive. "Yes." Was she really telling me that my love for her wasn’t enough? After everything, was she saying that I wasn’t good enough? Where the hell does she get off? “Listen, you’re the one who broke us. What we had was perfect and you ruined all of that.”

“How can you possibly call what we had perfect? You basically hid me for the duration of our relationship. And I understand that you have a built-in excuse, not wanting to make things difficult for Eva, but that’s what it was, Adam. An excuse.”

Her words stung my ears as I heard them, and I hoped they hurt her just as much leaving her mouth. It was no secret that our relationship was anything but perfect now. But for some reason, I took comfort in believing that the problems we now faced were a direct result of her previous actions. That belief made our current struggles easier to swallow because I had somewhere to place the blame. It was almost as if the idea that we had been perfect meant that we could be perfect again someday. It was that hope that had kept me going, kept me thinking that this was all worth fighting for. I had never even considered that maybe we were never that perfect to begin with. And the thought of what that could mean for our current relationship scared me.

She continued her verbal assault while I waited impatiently for the right time to strike. “We never went out with your friends, my friends, hell I’ve still never met your parents. You never went all-in with me. You’re quick to accuse me of being the only one who isn’t invested in our relationship, but you’ve never given me all of you. It’s always just been the pieces you were comfortable with. And I settled for that. First, because I thought that it was temporary, and then because I felt that I deserved it. But you’re not the only one who deserves happiness. You’re not the only one who should be forgiven unconditionally. I should get those things too. And you should want to give them.”

I let her words sink in as I tried to formulate a coherent response that wasn't said completely in anger. “I admit, I’ve had a difficult time getting past what happened last year. But beyond that issue, I’ve done nothing that I need your ‘unconditional forgiveness’ for. I’ve been all-in since January. I’ve done everything to try and make things right between us.” I wasn’t sure when I’d started raising my voice, but I willed myself to calm down. The last thing we needed was for the neighbors to call the cops.

“Really? You’ve done nothing that needs forgiving, huh?”

I shook my head, uncertain of what she planned to say.

A harsh smile crossed her face that looked more like a wince. “When’s my birthday, Adam?”

I racked my brain, trying to remember if we’d been together for it last year. I didn’t remember celebrating it. But, wait . . . hadn’t her parents come to town for it? Was it . . . Fuck.

“March 23rd. My birthday is March 23rd.” She crossed her arms over her chest, and lowered her voice. “Don’t tell me that you’re all-in,” she shrugged, "because you're not.”

“But, shit, you never said anything.”

“So it’s my fault that you didn’t remember?” She let out a bewildered laugh. “It’s always someone else, isn’t it?” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. When she finally reopened them, she continued calmly, “Look, I’m not ten. It’s not the end of the world that you forgot my birthday. It’s just . . . it’s a sign of just how little thought you really give me. I’m just part of the supporting cast in the movie of your life, Adam. You’re so busy trying to forgive me, you aren’t seeing me. We aren’t together in this.” She looked toward the floor. “We aren’t equal. And I can’t spend the rest of my life not being good enough. I love you. But I’m not sure that you love me.”

I crossed my arms, mirroring her posture. I had shifted from feeling guilty to being irate again in a nanosecond. “You don’t know if I love you?” I laughed, disgusted by the thought. “Shouldn’t it be the other way around? What would make me think for a second that I should trust anything you have to say?”

“Ah, so blame finds its way back to me again. This is exactly what I’m talking about. You just can't let the past go.”

My anger had quadrupled, and I tried unsuccessfully to keep my voice down. “Blame finds its way back to you because it’s your fault, Lily. All of this bullshit we’re going through right now: you did it, not me. You act like I should just forgive and forget, sing kumbaya or some shit. Well, I’ve got news for you: it’s not that easy. You ruined what we had for some fling with a piece of shit hockey player.

Her jaw ticked, her eyes the coldest I’d ever seen them. “Max is a lot of things, but a piece of shit isn’t one of them.”

My blood boiled at the sound of his name. “That’s all you have to say? How can you possibly defend him at a time like this? Do you have any idea what that feels like?”