Patchwork Paradise(60)

“It will be okay,” I said. “You have legal rights. Even if she comes home early, you can get a lawyer and draw up a contract saying he’s with you fifty percent of the time. You work part time now and—”

“I can’t keep doing that forever, Ollie. I have to pay my rent and pay you. And my house is really not childproof. Who’s going to babysit him once I’m back home? I can’t stay here forever, can I? My dad? He loves me, but he loves his retirement more. And your mom can’t drive to my place every day.”

“No,” I said, “but you could drop him off at her place on your way to work, if it came to that. You could slowly start looking for a place to live closer to town. Or . . .” I toed the grass with my shoe. “You could move in here. Permanently.”

He took a small step back. “Ollie . . .”

“I know. Just think about it.”

Thomas blew out a hot breath through his nose. I was startled to see he was actually angry. “I can’t. I can’t risk everything. You understand that, don’t you? Give up my home and live here with Milo, and what if it doesn’t work out?”

“Then we deal with that at the time. I’m not going to force you, obviously, but you could sublet your place to someone using short-term contracts. And I really hope you don’t think I’d kick you out on the street if we broke up.”

“No, of course not,” he said. “I know you’d never do anything that could hurt Milo, but life happens.” His voice gentled a little. “You of all people should know that. What if something went wrong? I know you wouldn’t kick me out, but I’d have to look for somewhere else to live, and uproot Milo again. I . . . I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”

That stung. And it wasn’t like I’d fought and won my own battle with guilt over Sam, this house, or loving someone else. At least I was ready to try. Maybe my expectations were unrealistic. Of course he would look out for Milo. I shouldn’t be childish about this. Milo came first. My heart hurt nonetheless.

“It’s only an idea. You can think about it,” I said again and tried to smile.

He stopped me before I could walk away. “Ollie. It’s more than just Milo.”

“What?”

He ran his fingers through my hair and held me gently by the back of the neck. It sent a hot shiver down my spine whenever he did that. “I don’t want us to step into this domestic routine of parenthood before we’ve had a chance to even explore the honeymoon phase. No beginning of a relationship should be about diapers and midnight feedings and being too exhausted for sex.”

“So, what?” I demanded, my annoyance finally bleeding through. “You want to wait until he’s off bottles? Out of diapers? Going to college? This is life, Thomas, as you so nicely pointed out earlier.” He winced, but I pushed on. “And I want to share it with you. No relationship should end because someone got stabbed, either. I dealt with it. This isn’t easy for me. Dealing with Milo . . .” I looked down. Milo was sucking on his fist. Soon he wouldn’t be waiting so patiently for his bottle. “It’s my pleasure. I love the little guy, and I hope someday I can prove to you just how true that is.”

“I’m not doubting you.”

That stopped me short. “Then what? You doubt yourself? I’m not expecting a marriage proposal here, but I thought we could at least—”

“This is scaring me to death,” he whispered. He walked away from me a little, tugged at his hair, and turned back. “Two weeks ago I had nothing but my tiny house and my job. Suddenly I have a son and I have you. Before, I couldn’t miss what I didn’t have. But now . . . what if I lose you both?”

Everything crashed down on me. Sam’s parents, the house, the guilt over falling for Thomas while Sam still lived so close to my heart. It wasn’t fair. Not to Sam. And not to Thomas either. My heart thudded wildly, and I couldn’t take it.

“You don’t know the meaning of loss,” I snapped. “You don’t know what it means to drag yourself out of bed day after day, realizing the person you loved more than anything isn’t here anymore. There were days when I screamed at the universe. There were days when I didn’t want to get out of bed at all. Ever again. But I pushed myself out of that. I’m here now, and I’m taking a huge risk again, although I feel really torn about it sometimes. But at least I’m willing to try. For you.”

“Are you sure it’s for me, Ollie? Because it sounds like you’re still in love with Sam. Maybe it’s not me you want. Maybe it’s someone to help you pay your mortgage.”

I gasped. Thomas looked stricken, but while I stood there trying to make sense of what he’d said, he remained silent.

“Wow,” I whispered.

“Ollie, I—”

“We’re both tired,” I interrupted, staring out into the garden. “We don’t have to make any big decisions right now. You go to Liesbeth on Wednesday and see what she says. We can deal with everything else later.”

Thomas nodded miserably and gently swayed side to side to soothe Milo. “Okay.”

He bent down, and I turned away a little so the kiss landed on my cheek. His eyes flashed with hurt. I wanted to apologize but didn’t.

He was afraid of losing what he had. If there was one sentiment I could understand, it was that one. I’d lost everything once, and I was on the verge of putting my heart on the line again. Now that the idea had taken form, I couldn’t shake it. Resentment nibbled at me until the ache grew deeper. If I could risk it, then why couldn’t he?