Patchwork Paradise(59)

I shifted to the side a little so Thomas could lie between me and the back of the couch. I leaned up on one elbow. I kissed him while I familiarized myself with what he liked and what he loved, until I could feel the tension in him ratchet up. I gave him what he needed. He buried his face against my shoulder and orgasmed quietly, come hitting his T-shirt and bare belly. As I watched him come down, my stomach clenched a little and I closed my eyes. Oh, Sam.

In that moment, I had to make a choice. I could let Sam come between us and ruin these precious minutes, or I could truly let him go. I opened my eyes and saw Thomas look at me like he knew what I was thinking. I didn’t know if I was ready to make that choice, but life—and love—didn’t wait for opportune times. Even wanting to be happy here with anyone but Sam fed the pit of guilt that gnawed at my stomach.

Thomas gently caressed my cheek, and I leaned into his touch. The idea of giving up on this, on the other hand, made me feel infinitely worse.

I pursed my lips, taking in the mess we’d made of ourselves. “So, you ready for round two?”

His eyes widened, and he laughed as he pulled me down for a kiss.

“Fuck,” he murmured and pressed our foreheads together. “That was really—”

“Fast? Belated? Overdue?”

He chuckled. “Great. I was going to say great. And now I’m going to want to do it all the time, and—”

Right on cue, Milo began to cry.





I came home on Monday with a box full of fresh groceries to find the house oddly subdued. Mom was in the kitchen, preparing dinner, and I spotted Thomas and Milo doing laps around the yard. Every once in a while he’d point at something, then walk along.

Stan had emailed me again, and I had one eye on my phone as I yanked open the fridge to put the milk away first.

“I’ll do that,” she said.

I froze as Stan’s words registered.

“Well, this is it.”

“What is it?” Mom peered at my phone. “I can’t read that without my glasses.”

“Sam’s parents agreed to me buying out the house.”

“Oh, Oliver.” My mom covered her mouth. Her eyes hardened. “I can’t believe those people. How dare they go against their son’s wishes like that!”

“Money and grief is a weird combination,” I said, even as my stomach dropped to the floor. I hadn’t allowed myself to think of it too much so far, but this meant I’d have to give up every single penny of my savings as down payment or the bank wouldn’t grant me the loan. I’d have nothing in reserve.

Mom squeezed my arm. “What are you going to do? Are you sure the house is worth it?”

“It’s my home,” I whispered. “I can’t stand the thought of giving it up.”

She studied me carefully. “If you’re just trying to hang on to Sam’s memory . . .”

I shook my head. “It’s more than that. I mean, yes, he’s part of it, but not because I can’t let go of him.” I hadn’t entirely yet, but I didn’t tell her that. “It’s a wonderful house. I don’t want to live anywhere else. And if I sold it, with my fifty percent I’d never be able to afford anything even half as nice as this. I want to do whatever I can to keep it.”

“Okay.” Her face was drawn with worry. “Just don’t overextend yourself.”

“Thomas said he’d help,” I told her, although the idea soured my stomach.

We both turned to the window and watched Milo and Thomas explore the garden. “That’s a short-term solution, Ollie. And one you need to be careful with.” I frowned at her, but she sighed. “You might want to talk to Thomas anyway. He seemed a little down this morning.”

My heart skipped a beat. “What? Why?” Had I done something wrong the night before? No, we’d changed and fed Milo, and we’d gone straight to sleep in my bed. He’d kissed me awake that morning, right before Milo began to cry, and he’d been playful and happy when I left. It couldn’t be about us. Could it?

“Go on.” She nudged me out the door. I stepped onto the patio, hands damp with nervous sweat. It was still warm out, even though a dark rain cloud covered the western sky.

“Hey.” I stuffed my hands in my pockets, and Thomas turned around. He looked tired but had a smile for me, and my heart settled a little when he gave me a chaste but lingering kiss. “Hey, little buddy,” I said to Milo. He made a pouty face and stuck out his tongue. “That’s how the cool kids say hello these days, huh?” I turned my attention back to Thomas. “What’s up?”

He tilted his head from side to side and sighed. “Liesbeth called today. She wants to see Milo on Wednesday afternoon.”

“Oh. And that’s bad?”

“I don’t know. What if she wants to get out of the clinic early? What if she wants to come home and take Milo?”

“Okay, deep breath.” I put my hand on his shoulder, and he kissed my knuckles. “You’re worrying too much about this. And I get that’s what parents do, but this isn’t you.”

“I know,” he said. “I know. My entire world has changed. For the better. I don’t want to lose this. But maybe she’s well enough now. I mean, obviously I want his mom to be well. But what if she won’t want me to keep Milo at all? God, he’s hard work. He cries so much. I had no idea babies did that. On the other hand, to think that I won’t see him every day . . .” His face twisted, and I put my arms around him, careful not to squash Milo. Thomas leaned his head against mine.