PULSE (Part Four)(16)

I can't place all the blame on her. "Not exactly," I qualify it. "She said something about you f*cking every woman in the place and that made me want to go see if you still had the room."
"Jessica." He pulls my head into his chest and cradles my body next to his. "You've got to get it through your head that I'm crazy about you."
I nod against his skin, relishing in the smell of him and the feel of his strong, steely chest against me. As much as I doubt his sincerity, there's just something so raw and real about his words when he's telling me how much he cares for me.
"I've f*cked up your friendship." He pulls me back so he can look directly into my eyes. "Let me fix it. I can fix it."
I reach to cradle his cheek in my hand. "I need to move out. I want to." I can't continue anything with Nathan if I live with Rebecca. I don't know how I can deal with the two of them in the same room together.
"Move in here." He takes a step back and almost jumps up and down. "You can come live with me."
"That's a horrible idea," I smirk. "Really, really horrible."
"Why?"
"Are you seriously asking me why it's a bad idea for me to live here?" How is he a lawyer when he can't understand something this simple? Does he not understand that I don't trust him at all?
"I love you. You should live with me." The words are thoughtful and direct but they bite right into me like a rabid dog.
"I don't trust you," I say boldly. "I don't trust anything you say to me."
"What?" His hands jump to his chest as if I've thrown a dagger into his heart. "You don't trust me?"
I want to reach out and shake him. Maybe he's missing the common sense gene. That would explain a lot about him.  "No, I don't." Why beat around the bush? I don't trust him. I see no reason to skirt around the issue.
"You came over here today," he says hoarsely. "We made love."
I have to take a step back when I hear the words. He's never, once, ever said that we make love. "We made love?" I parrot back to him.
"Do you f*cking have short term memory loss, Jessica?" He points to the bed. "We've spent the past three hours naked together."
"We f*cked." The word sounds harsh. "We just f*cked, that's all."
He stalls and his eyes scan my face. "It meant nothing but a f*ck to you?" His eyes squint and move past my face to the wall behind me. He's grabbing tightly to his chest as if he's holding back something.
"That's all it was." I shrug my shoulder. "I was horny. I wanted you to f*ck me. Nothing else has changed."

Chapter 18

"Maybe you should just reconsider, Jess." Bryce is sitting on the edge of my bed, his heels resting on one of the many cardboard boxes that are now cluttering my space. "You've been looking for more than a week now. There's nothing out there."
"There are places," I correct him as I rest my head on my pillow. "They're all just out of my price range."
"I'd move with you but I'm going to pop the question to Trudy soon and then we'll get a place of our own." His entire face glows with the announcement. Every single time I see him with his girlfriend, I feel a slight pang of envy race through me. They're so happy and content and their history isn't clouded with lies, mysteries and secrets. That's what I want.
"There is one place I can afford to live," I whisper. I haven't even really wrapped my head around the concept yet, but now is as good a time as any to talk to Bryce about it.
"With Nathan?" The scowl on his face speaks more than the tone of his voice.
"No," I scoff. I had considered that option for a hot two seconds before I walked out of his apartment last week. Since then, I've ignored most of his text messages and calls. He wants me to reinvest myself in him again and that stock has crashed enough times that I know I'll just end up burned to an emotional crisp. Men, like Nathan Moore, don't change. It's simple.
"Where then?"
"I'm thinking I should just go back home." It's a coward's plan. When I lived in Connecticut everything was easy. Josh was so uncomplicated and right now I miss that. I don't necessarily miss him but the simplicity that life there offers me is beckoning me like a lighthouse in the dark sea.
"That's not an option." Bryce is on his feet, his hands firmly planted on his hips. "You're going to run away?"
"It's not running." Who exactly am I trying to convince? "It's more about trying something on for size and then realizing it doesn't fit so you return it."
"You're complicated." He laughs. "You can't go back there. You left there for a reason. Don't forget it."
"It's easier there," I confess. "I can just live without all the drama. I can go back to being an EMT."
"When I came to New York I was scared shitless." His expression is even and serious. "You and Rebecca helped me see it's where I belong."
"I don’t belong here."
"You're not running away from the city, Jess." He doesn't mince words. "You're running away from him."

***

"Are you opposed to me just using you for sex?" I clench my fist in his hair as he circles my clit with his tongue.
"No," he whispers into my folds. "Use me however the f*ck you want, Jessica."