Only You (Adair Family #5)(58)

Years ago, while Arran was in Thailand, he’d gotten drunk and took a swim in the ocean. His friend, Colin, had thought he was in trouble and ran in to save him, only to drown himself. “Your guilt was misplaced. Mine isn’t.”

“Funny, but that’s what I think—that yours is misplaced, but mine isn’t. Because that’s how guilt works.”

“I fucked up,” I whispered roughly.

My brother cursed under his breath and then hauled me into his arms. I held on to him like he was a lifeline, relief easing the tension within. “You can tell me anything,” he said gruffly, “and it’ll never change us, brother.”

Emotion thickened my throat and I nodded, patting his back with an appreciative thump that he reciprocated. We pulled away, giving each other a reassuring look, and then turned around to make our way back down the beach.

“You should tell Lachlan, Thane, and Arro,” Arran said. “They’ve been worried about you for years. Knowing the truth will give them some peace.”

“I will,” I promised. “But it’s not the only reason I wanted to talk to you.”

“Monroe,” Arran surmised. “You said the incident with Vanessa’s dad happened that same night you found us. Now I get why you lost it so completely.”

“Well, I was definitely on edge, but make no mistake, most of my rage was at finding you with the girl I was in love with.”

Arran looked tortured as he hissed hoarsely, “You should have told me.”

“I know,” I assured him. “And I’m not blaming you. For the first time in my life, I want to be honest about it. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you trying to antagonize me into admitting it.”

My brother gestured between us. “I think it might have worked.”

“Being around Roe worked. But I’ve been a total and complete prick to her since I got back.”

My brother cut me a dark look. “So I’ve heard.”

“It’s worse than what you’ve heard.” I told him about the night in the caravan.

Arran gave me a look so fierce, I thought he might hit me.

“You don’t have to say or do anything.” I held up my hands defensively. “I hate myself enough for it, believe me.”

He grunted.

“Arran, I’m trying to make it up to her.”

“For what purpose?”

At his suspicious tone, I replied honestly, “To win her back.”

He considered this, then shocked me by asking, “And you’re sure this isn’t just a whim? Not too long ago, you were pissed off at me for dating Ery because you had a thing for her.”

I’d thought often about how easily I’d gotten over my feelings for Eredine, and after some self-analysis, I came to a surprising conclusion. “She reminded me of Roe.”

Arran’s eyebrows rose.

I chuckled dryly. “I know they don’t seem alike, but behind her smiles, Roe always had this haunted look in her eyes. Because of her fucking parents. And every time I caught that look, I wanted to make it better for her. I wanted her to know that someone loved her, thought about her, wanted to be with her. Even if I could only do it through friendship. I saw that look in Ery’s eyes, and I think I was drawn to her because of it. I love Ery,” I promised him, “but I was able to let go of the idea of her too easily for it to have been anything more than platonic. And I know that because every time I see Monroe …” I looked away, fear rising in me that it was too late. “It feels like I’ve been sleeping for years, and then suddenly she’s there, and I’m awake. I’m fucking terrified of losing her, Arran. What do I do?”

My brother rested a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it in sympathy. “You grovel like you’ve never groveled before.”

A bark of laughter burst out of me. “Lachlan said the same.”

“Our big brother should know. I hear he groveled his arse off to get Robyn back. Even flew to Boston for her.”

I chuckled at the thought because my big brother, especially during his Hollywood days, was an even bigger ladies’ man than me. “How the mighty have fallen.”

“Look who’s talking. On that note”—Arran frowned—“have you really thought this through? Just because you’ve had some peace and quiet here the last few weeks doesn’t mean you should forget that you’re famous, Brodan. The world will be very interested in Monroe if you choose to settle down with her here. Do you think she can cope with that kind of scrutiny? Can you cope? It’s different putting up with that shit for yourself, but when it affects someone you love, it’ll be ten times harder.”

I had thought about it. Of course, I had. “I have to try, Arran. I can’t live the rest of my life regretting not trying to be with her. She’s the one.” I shrugged helplessly. “She always has been. It scares the absolute shit out of me, but continuing to live an empty life without her terrifies me more.”

Arran blew out a breath. “Fuck, when we Adairs fall, we don’t do it by half measure, eh?”

“Aye, maybe that’s why it’s so bloody scary.”

“Well, if you’re sure Roe is who you want, then it’s simple. Words won’t work with Monroe. Actions. Let your actions speak for you.”