Only You (Adair Family #5)(56)

“She thought you were getting serious about her?”

“I made it clear that we weren’t.” He looked agonized now, and my heart raced with trepidation. “I swear, Roe, I made it clear. I’ve gone over and over all the moments together I can remember, and I made it clear.”

“What happened?”

“It wasn’t just on a whim that I came home that night. Something had happened the night before and … I just … needed you.” His eyes brightened. “I’ve told no one this story.”

Blood whooshed in my ears. “Brodan …”

“A group of us went to Vanessa’s house. It was meant to be a casual hang. She lived in a big house in the country just outside Anstruther. Her parents were supposed to be down south for the weekend, but they came home that night. Vanessa left the room to talk with her parents, and we could hear her dad shouting. When she came back, her cheek was bright red, and I knew the bastard had hit her, but she wouldn’t talk about it. She told us that her parents agreed we could stay the night, but we had to leave in the morning. An hour passed, and then her dad came into the room we were all hanging out in, and he had a shotgun.”

My whole body chilled as Brodan’s voice deepened with the memory.

“Oh my God.”

“He was wasted and easily antagonized. Well … he wouldn’t let us out of the room. He held us at gunpoint, laughing like it was a big joke one minute, foaming at the mouth in rage the next. The girls were crying, even a few of the lads. The bastard didn’t care he was traumatizing us,” he sneered.

“What happened?”

“He eventually let us leave, but one of the guys called the police, despite Vanessa begging him not to. For Vanessa’s sake, I refused to give a statement. And because of Lachlan’s fame, they all agreed to keep my name out of it, otherwise it would blow up in the press. As it was, it made local news, and her dad was arrested. He did six months for it. I broke off the casual relationship with Vanessa that night. It was one of the shittiest things I’ve done. I was young and scared, and I didn’t want to get tangled up in her mess when I wasn’t serious about her. I know it was selfish. No one could berate me for it more than I already have.”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, hating that he’d gone through that … and then come home for comfort only to find me with Arran. Suddenly, his violent reaction that night made more sense. He was already on the edge, and we’d flipped him right over it.

“The weeks after it, she texted me. She showed up at my classes, practically begging me to take her back … to help her get away from her dad. I told her I would help her with the latter, but that I couldn’t be her boyfriend. She didn’t want one without the other.” He shifted forward in his seat. “I was impatient with her.”

Though I’d seen his impatience now for myself, I couldn’t imagine nineteen-year-old Brodan that way. He’d always been so patient and kind.

As if he read my mind, he whispered, “I’d lost you, Roe. Something scary and shitty happened to me, and I needed you, but I’d lost you. You were gone. And it felt like there really was a curse on the men in my family. I couldn’t help her because I was fucking drowning without you.”

At the jagged emotion in his words, tears sprang free before I could stop them. I swiped at my cheeks to rid myself of their trails.

“I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad … I just needed you to know where my head was at. How messed up I was. I thought you’d abandoned me. I was angry at you because I missed you so bloody much. Then … a few years ago, something happened. Something that really fucked me up, and I’ve had a hard time dealing with it. I thought I’d dealt with it … until you. Do you know about Fergus? About Lucy Wainwright?”

I nodded. “I saw it in the news. And Arro filled me in on a little more.”

“About a year before Fergus went off the deep end, I got word through a friend from uni that Vanessa committed suicide.”

Sympathy for her and for Brodan caused a deep pang in my chest. “I’m so sorry.”

A muscle flexed in his jaw. “A few weeks later, a few of us from that night received letters. Vanessa wrote them before she killed herself. She left them for those of us she felt were to blame for that night and the consequences. In my letter, she … she told me she’d loved me and I’d made her feel like I loved her too, only to abandon her. To leave her to her father. That she’d wanted me to protect her, and I’d failed.”

Horror suffused me, and I reached for him, squeezing his hand between mine. “Brodan, no. You are not to blame for the actions of that man. And clearly Vanessa was not in her right mind when she wrote that letter.”

I watched him fight back emotion, and I hated it could still gut me to see him in pain. “I know that.” He covered my hand with his free one. “Logically, I know it. But it messed with my head. I fell off the edge. Starting fights, acting like an arsehole on movie sets. The tabloids loved it. Then Fergus and Lucy went after Lachlan, Robyn, and Mac, and it shook me out of my spiral. But it also compounded it. I started seeing a therapist. No one knows. But I had weekly sessions with him for just over a year. It helped a lot. So I thought I’d dealt with it. But seeing you again triggered it all.” He pulled me toward him, remorse haunting his gaze. “Roe … I channeled all that anger and fear and hurt into you, and I am so fucking sorry. I cannot even tell you how sorry I am. Every time I think about what I said, what I’ve done, I feel sick to my stomach.”