One To Watch(20)

Now, “plus-size blogger” Bea Schumacher is going to be the next star of Main Squeeze. If you’ve never seen her, picture a barnyard animal that gave up on itself at birth and still thinks it can wear a crop top. And we, the television viewers of America, are supposed to believe that 25 men are going to compete to marry this thing. “Reality” TV? Not even close. There’s not a single man in America drunk enough to bang this woman, let alone propose to her—and unless ABS found a chub-chasing cult from some backwoods swamp, there certainly aren’t 25.

I know what you’re thinking: Men don’t watch this show, so who cares what this bitch looks like? Here’s my point: Telling women they can look like this and still expect guys to drool all over them is a dangerous lie. It’s not good for them, it’s not good for us, and if we’re not careful, the fatpocalypse is going to ruin our lives.



“You have to call Chris Evans! He has the best ass in America, like, canonically,” Marin insisted through a mouthful of sad turkey sandwich in a sad L.A. satellite studio on the ABS lot. Lauren had allowed Bea one last meal with her best friend before she went on complete blackout for filming, for which Bea was eternally grateful—even if the meal itself left something to be desired.

“You’re ridiculous.” Bea laughed. “How would I even get his number?”

“Slide into his DMs, then burrow into his heart. It’s like you’re not even a Millennial.”

“Great plan, but it’ll have to wait until I get my phone back.”

“Ugh,” Marin sighed, and sprawled extravagantly across the folding chair where she was sitting. At barely five feet tall with a wiry frame and chic little pixie cut, Marin hardly cut an intimidating figure, but woe betide anyone who crossed her (or anyone who crossed Bea, for that matter). “I can’t believe you’ve been phoneless for three days already. Do you feel like a pioneer on the Oregon Trail? Do you have typhoid? Have you been eaten by a bear?”

“Very nearly,” Bea deadpanned—but there was an element of truth to the joke. After three straight days of wall-to-wall interviews, she was absolutely exhausted, and she had to wonder how much worse it was going to get once filming actually began.

“So?” Marin clocked the somber note in Bea’s mood. “How are you feeling? Any regrets?”

Bea shook her head. “No, not really. I guess … so much of the last six weeks was focused on getting ready for this publicity blitz, and now that it’s over, it’s like, wow. I haven’t even really given much thought to the actual thing I’m about to do, you know?”

“Yeah, but the actual thing is the exciting part! God, Bea, you could be meeting your husband tomorrow night. Isn’t that crazy??”

“Yes, Marin.” Bea shook her head. “It is crazy. And it absolutely isn’t going to happen.”

Marin gave Bea a knowing smile. “You say that now, but I just bet when you meet these men, you’re going to see how silly you’re being. You’re going to remember how badly you want to fall in love.”

“Doubtful.” Bea rolled her eyes. “I know you don’t approve, but trust me—Lauren and I have this all worked out. We have a plan. I’m ready.”

Marin burst out laughing. “Sorry, but you’re going to date twenty-five men on television. How could anyone possibly be ready for what’s about to happen to you?”





EPISODE 1


“SHOWTIME”


(25 men left)


Shot and aired live on location in Malibu, California


TRANSCRIPT OF BOOB TUBE PODCAST EPISODE #049


Cat:

Hey, this is Cat!



Ruby:

And this is Ruby.



Cat:

And this is Boob Tube, the podcast where we take a weekly look at how women are represented on television.



Ruby:

This week, we are so excited to talk with our guest Ane Crabtree, who does the incredible costumes on The Handmaid’s Tale. We’re going to talk with Ane about the female form and how it’s depicted in a society that’s both ultra-conservative and, in its own way, hypersexualized.



Cat:

It’s a great conversation, so stay tuned, but first: I have a confession to make.



Ruby:

It’s a juicy one.



Cat:

You wonderful listeners know my tastes can run a little highbrow and a little lowbrow.



Ruby:

You do love anything that veers toward British royal fanfic.



Cat:

It’s my British kryptonite! Bryptonite?



Ruby:

No.



Cat:

Okay. But you may not know that I am a longtime fan and avid viewer of the reality dating show Main Squeeze.



Ruby:

I believe you’ve actually taken part in several betting pools surrounding this show.



Cat:

If by “taken part” you mean “won,” then yes, I absolutely have.



Ruby:

And yet we’ve never discussed any of this on our podcast!



Cat:

Well, I’m sure it will shock all of you listening to hear this, but the Main Squeeze franchise is not typically a bastion of interesting representation of women on television.