One Night to Risk It All(46)

Her demand warmed him in a strange way. That she could be jealous. That she would want to ensure only she had him. “That’s just fine with me.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I have no desire to ever make you feel used. And it’s not just because of your past, but because of mine. Of my mother’s.”

“You loved her, didn’t you?” she asked.

Her words hit like an arrow. “Yes,” he said. “She was my mother.”

“But a lot of people would be angry with their mothers for putting them in that position.”

“She was a victim, Rachel. Nothing more. Sad and utterly pathetic, and I do not have it in me to be angry with her. No one on all the earth loved her but me, and I am happy to be the one who did. The one who does.” The words stuck in his throat, a note of sadness in them that he despised. Still the boy who longed for her love. The boy who’d never really had it.

“My mother... When she found out about the video—” she let out a shaking breath “—my dad had to tell her because it cost so much to pay off Colin. Mind you, they had a lot of money and she never would have noticed, but he felt like it was right. She was so ashamed of me. She’d taught me better, not to let men talk me into things. Never drink, never smoke, never tarnish our reputation. She’d told me to save my virtue. And I didn’t, in her eyes. I embarrassed the whole family, ruined myself forever, and it would have all been avoided if I had just been...”

“More like her.” He felt a lead weight settle in his stomach. So very strange, but he felt for her. Felt her pain. Just as he felt her pleasure when they made love.

“Yes. But you...you remember your mother’s flaws and you love her.”

“I do,” he said, his throat tightening.

“I love mine, but sometimes I think remembering her as anything but perfect, the way everyone else seems to remember her, is an insult to her memory. I’m the only one who had that relationship with her. It’s almost like I knew someone different.”

“They’re your memories, Rachel. They aren’t wrong. And you have a right to feel upset about them.”

“You’re better than a therapist, Alex. Of course, while dealing with all of these old issues you’re giving me a set of new ones. Also, you’ve given me a lot of issues in general.”

“Have I?” he asked. Her joke, which he was sure was only partly a joke, made him feel unspeakably tired. Made him feel like he was ruining something wonderful.

“Nothing serious,” she said.

“No, just a baby and a husband. I’m not giving you anything too serious.”

“Hey, one day at a time, right?”

“So your solution is not to think about it?”

“No, I think about it. Okay, I don’t really. But I am right now. I did earlier.”

“That was the source of your breakdown.”

“I’m afraid. Because I know how badly even a good person can hurt their child. I’m afraid that I’m really not good enough. I’m afraid that I can’t do it.”

“You have to get some confidence,” he said. “Because I was raised in a brothel and drug house and I’m pretty sure you’re our child’s best chance at normal.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“You’re as normal as they’re going to get, anyway.”

“Love fixes a lot of things,” she said. “Look at how you feel about your mother.”

“Love one way isn’t enough,” he said, his voice rough, the words he hated to voice more than anything out there in the open now.

“Of course she loved you, Alex,” she said. “She probably just had a hard time showing it. Like my mother.”

But his mother’s words rang in his ears. The last words she’d ever spoken to him.

You ruined all of this for me! I kept you all this time for him! And now you’ve taken him from me. He’s the only thing I love. He’s the only reason I kept you all this time! Because I knew then he would let us stay! And now he wants me to go. I have nothing left!

Me, mama. You have me.

I don’t want you, stupid boy! I never did. I would rather die than be without him.

“I’m sure that’s all it was,” he said, the words hollow, the vision of his mother making good on her threat fresh in his mind. “Everything will be fine.”

And he knew he didn’t believe any of what he’d just said.

* * *

She had to call home. It had been nearly two months since her aborted wedding, and still no one knew about her engagement to Alex, about the baby.

Ajax and Leah had gone through a lot of drama, which had resulted in Ajax calling her. That had been awkward.

But he’d only wanted to talk about Leah.

He loved her, which made Rachel feel good. About everything. Because Ajax and Leah were meant to be together, and now, now that Ajax had been able to confess his love, they were together.

And they were going to have a much better marriage than he and Rachel would have ever had.

So great for them, but now she had to cross the hurdle of her and Alex. Hiding out in his house. Taking occasional trips to Cannes together to check in on the expanding boutique.

The good thing was, it was successful, and Alana was considering opening up a second location. And Alex was advising Rachel on investing so she was looking into other businesses, as well. She was becoming a regular venture capitalist.