One Indian Girl(90)

‘Then?’

‘This. Whatever is going on. I am sorry. I can’t do this.’

‘What? Relatives? They are getting on my nerves too. How many more feet do we have to touch?’

I held his shoulder. I turned him towards me.

‘Brijesh, I cannot get married,’ I said.

‘What?’ he said in genuine confusion. ‘Sorry, beg your pardon?’

‘You heard me.’

He looked at me and laughed.

‘What?’ I said.

‘You are so funny. Sweet also.’

He pulled my cheek.

‘Sweet?’ I said. What is so sweet about me leaving him high and dry at the altar?

‘You are nervous. And so like a little child, you are saying I can’t do this. It’s sweet only.’

‘It’s not. . .’ I said as he interrupted me.

‘I am scared too. I live alone. Now I will have this other person living with me for the rest of my life. It petrifies me.’

‘It does. Yes. And this is just too soon.’

‘Too soon? We have planned this for months.’

‘We planned the event for months. However, we decided so soon.’

‘You said yes. I said yes. We had to reach a decision, right?’

‘Brijesh. Can you please trust me? I can’t do this.’

He smiled again. He placed an arm around my shoulder.

‘From now on, your fears are mine, and mine are yours. So be scared or whatever, I am with you.’

I got off the bench. I turned around to face him.

‘Brijesh, I don’t think you are getting me. It is not nervousness. There’s stuff I need to deal with and my head is a huge squishy mess.’

‘I am sorry to hear that. But. . .’ he paused.

‘But what?’

‘But 200 people are dancing inside to celebrate us coming together. A mood swing cannot dictate our decision now.’

‘It’s not a mood swing, Brijesh.’

‘What is it then? Something you want to tell me?’

‘It’s my past. I still have to come to terms with it.’

He paused to look at me, wondering what I meant.

‘We all do. It happens over time.’

‘It’s about my future too. About what I want.’

Brijesh’s phone rang. He smiled.

‘There, the search party is out,’ he said and picked up the phone. ‘Yeah, dad. I am here, stepped out for some air. Yeah, Radhika is with me. Just chatting, dad. Okay, we are coming.’

He ended the call and turned at me.

‘The elders are leaving. They want to bless the couple before they go to bed,’ he said and smiled.

‘Sorry Brijesh, I. . .’

‘We have to go now. Listen, Radhika, I am no expert on women. Maybe this is how all women think the night before their wedding.’

‘Not all.’

‘Maybe in arranged marriages they do. We still don’t know each other. Can I suggest something?’

‘What?’

‘Go to your room. Rest. Please sleep. All these guests and huge celebrations are bothering you.’

‘Well, I only chose to have a grand wedding like this.’

‘Exactly. So maybe your doubts are just irrational last-minute fears. Sleep on it. You will feel better. Let’s go now,’ he said.

‘But. . .’ I said.

‘Dad’s calling again,’ Brijesh said as he picked up his phone.



I took my phone back from Aditi didi’s bag when I got to my room.

I checked the time. 2 a.m. I hadn’t unlocked my phone to read my messages yet. Message notifications flooded my phone home screen. They read like this: Debu: Hey baby, what’s up?

Debu: Is there anything I can do to help? Can I talk to anyone on your side?

Debu: 5 more messages

Neel: In my room. Here if you need me.

Neel: When can we talk?

Neel: You around? Can we meet? Like for a minute?

Neel: 3 more messages

Brijesh: Hope you are fine? Get some rest, okay?

Brijesh: It’s all going to be okay. Stay calm.

How am I supposed to stay calm? A dozen messages from three different men, every hour. And I have a wedding tomorrow. Mine. I have no clue with whom. How am I supposed to stay calm?

Aditi didi slept next to me. She woke up for water and noticed the lit phone screen in my hand.

‘Sleep, you idiot. You will have dark circles in all your wedding pictures.’

Yeah, that should be my biggest concern. Would the make-up lady apply enough concealer to hide my dark circles? Why can’t I be like other girls? Why am I not thinking about how my lehenga looked on me tonight? Why am I not worried about my nails? Why am I thinking about my dark life rather than my dark circles?

Ting. Another message.

‘Put it on silent,’ Aditi didi groaned in a sleepy voice, ‘and come to bed.’

I looked at my phone screen.

Suraj: Hope you liked decorations, madam. Your dance was too good.

I shut the phone. I closed my eyes. But I couldn’t sleep.

What do I do? Who is it going to be? Debu, Neel or Brijesh? Oh, Radhika the great distressed analyst, how do you analyse your way out of this distressed situation?