One Indian Girl(75)

‘You don’t have to be sorry. It’s your feelings. Thank you for sharing them. I am sorry for not sensing them earlier.’

My plate of vegetable dumplings had gone cold. One of the waiters replaced it. Neel and I ate in silence.

‘I love you,’ Neel said.

I shrugged.

‘So?’ I said. ‘Kind of irrelevant, isn’t it?’

‘What do you want, Radhika?’ Neel said.

I kept silent.

‘A future? I am twenty years older,’ he said.

‘You said age doesn’t matter in love. Didn’t you?’

‘I am married. I have kids. So much baggage.’

‘Exactly. So what am I doing with you?’

‘Aren’t you happy with just what we have?’ Neel said. He seemed to be genuinely confused.

‘Would you be? If you were in my place?’ I asked, looking him squarely in the eye.

‘We have our work. We have love. We have excitement. We have friendship. We don’t have the predictability and monotony of a married couple.’

‘You make marriage sound so bad. You are married. The whole world gets married.’

‘Clarify this for me. Do you want to get married? Or are you feeling stressed only because your mother wants you to get married soon?’

‘Eventually I do want to, Neel. How could you think I won’t? I want marriage, kids, family.’

‘Really?’

‘What do you mean, really? I do. I want Sunday IKEA trips with my husband and a whole bunch of kids. I want to wipe my kids’ messy faces when I feed them. I want to bake cookies for them. Yes, yes I do.’

‘Really, Radhika?’ Neel said. He looked at me gobsmacked, as if I had revealed my secret desire to join the ISIS.

‘Yeah. Why?’

‘I thought you were career-minded.’

‘Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?’ I said, my voice ice-cold.

‘Nothing. Let’s talk later. I’ll ask for the bill,’ Neel said and signalled the waiter.



‘No, Neel. Not tonight,’ I said.

We were lying tangled up in my bed. He nuzzled the side of my neck. It signalled that he wanted sex. I shrugged my shoulder, dislodging his lips.

‘Radhika, come here,’ he murmured my name in a persuasive voice.

‘No, Neel,’ I said. ‘I am tired.’

He had come to my apartment four nights in a row this week. I don’t know what story he made up at home. Frankly, I didn’t care. Every night I let him in. We watched TV for a while and we went to bed.

He rebuttoned the shirt of his nightsuit.

‘This is the fourth time you have rejected me,’ he said. He was right. We hadn’t had sex all week.

‘Stop assuming. I am not rejecting anything. I am tired,’ I said.

‘Is it your mother?’ he said.

I shook my head.

‘Is it me?’ he said.

I shook my head.

‘It’s me,’ I said.

‘What?’

‘How could I let myself get into this?’ I said.

‘We love each other, Radhika. Stop making it sound so bad.’

I switched on the night lamp next to me and turned on my side to face him. I lifted myself up to rest on my elbow.

‘Really, Neel?’ I said.

‘What?’ Neel said.

‘I allowed myself to get involved with a married man. Not just a one-night stand. A long and full-blown affair. Hell, I allowed myself to fall in love with you. When there is no future.’

‘I have no plans to leave you.’

‘But do you have any plans to change anything?’

‘Why do we have to change? What we have is perfect.’

‘What if Kusum finds out?’

‘She won’t.’

‘What if she does?’

‘Don’t be paranoid. You are being over-anxious these days. Is it that time of the month?’

He tried to put his arms around me.

‘Shut up, Neel,’ I said, extracting myself from his grip. ‘Don’t trivialize it.’

‘Your weekend trip to Delhi and talking to your mother has really shaken you up.’

‘Maybe I needed to be shaken up. To really think about what I want.’

Neel sat up in bed.

‘Sorry to say this, but you aren’t thinking clearly. If I go by what you said in Dragon-I,’ Neel said.

‘I said I want to have a family. Have kids. Be a good mother and look after them well. That’s not thinking clearly?’

‘You are a star at work. What is all this mundane stuff you are talking about? Any woman can do all this.’

‘But I can’t?’

‘I didn’t say that.’

‘So?’

‘I see you as someone exceptional. And special. You could be an MD, a partner.’

‘Yeah, I will be. I like my work too.’

‘But you said you want marriage, IKEA, bunch of kids. Baking cookies, really?’

‘Yes, I want all that too.’

‘Radhika, you are getting carried away. You saw Kusum the other day and you are getting competitive over me.’

I too sat up in bed, almost panting in anger.