Nocturne(103)

I hadn’t realized how much anger and insecurity I’d been pushing down about my role in our relationship. Blindly and mutely following behind a man is not how I’d intended things to end up with me. My breath was short as the anger rose.

“I didn’t know you’d say yes. I’d hoped, of course, but I didn’t—”

“You wouldn’t have asked if you didn’t know, Gregory. You don’t take risks.”

He grabbed my shoulders and his eyes seared me with intensity. “You don’t call this a risk?” he said gruffly.

“Of course it is, but not one to your marriage. That was dead a long time ago. If I’d said no you would have certainly found someone else to take my place.” I was so angry and lost that I wanted to hurt him. Even if it was with a lie.

It worked.

Air flew from his lungs as though he’d been punched in the stomach. “You don’t honestly believe that, do you?” He let his hands slide down my arms until they found my hands.

I shook my head reluctantly. Ashamed to admit I’d hurt him on purpose. “I don’t think so … no … I don’t …” I pressed my lips together tightly, as if they had any control over the tears forming in my eyes.

“I’m sorry, Savannah. I thought I’d made my feelings clear. This wasn’t just about sex …” he trailed off, letting go of me and running both hands through his hair as he took a step back.

I couldn’t bear the look on his face as his eyes surveyed the space around us, as if he’d just awoken from a nightmare and he was trying to grasp onto something real. I met him in the middle of our emotional mess and put my hands on the sides of his face.

“Look,” I whispered. “I don’t want to ruin our last week together. Please. I’m sorry for lashing out. I don’t want to screw things up for you personally or professionally. We practiced when and where you said to all summer, I didn’t talk to Nathan about us, as you requested … and … I haven’t really talked to any of my friends, for that matter.”

“I never asked you to isolate yourself, Savannah.” Gregory put his trembling hands over mine.

“You did. But, I agreed. It was for a short time, and I knew that. A short time that I got to have you, and only you. To be an us. I was willing to give everything else up for this summer. But, it’s over now. And … I just don’t know how people do this all the time. Affairs. For years. I don’t know how my mother did it.” My voice gave up at the end of my sentence.

In an instant Gregory’s arms were around my shoulders and his hand was holding my head against his chest. “Shit, Savannah, you’re nothing like her. That’s not what this is. I lo—”

“Don’t!” I yelped into his chest.

Gregory gripped my shoulders again and held me at arms’ length, looking me directly in the eyes. “No. I’m going to tell you. I love you, Savannah. I love you. I know you’re hurt by what happened with your mother and father, but you are nothing like her.”

“If we keep going, Gregory, I’ll be f*cking up a marriage. Whatever is left to f*ck up, I guess.”

“Savannah, my marriage has issues that go back much longer than this summer.”

“Can’t we just wait until you divorce her … if that’s what you’re going to do?” I couldn’t believe I was actually discussing Gregory divorcing his wife. I didn’t know if I was asking him to leave her for me. Or if I was just asking him to leave her because he was so miserable in their relationship.

Gregory nodded. “It’ll take time, though. And, something is going on with her, as I’ve said. It’s personal and private and I can’t just walk away from her until we get it sorted. I just don’t have all of the facts right now because it’s not really a conversation appropriate for the phone.”

“Are you asking me to wait for you?” My whisper kicked up an octave, soaking in the possibility of his request.

“I want you, Savannah. Desperately. I’m in love with you. But, being in love with you means that I need to place your needs above mine. Your heart before mine. I want to ask you to wait for me, but I know how unfair that is. If someone comes along that can give you what I can’t …” He squeezed his eyes shut briefly, turning his head away, as if trying to avoid the thought.

“You mean someone who can be there for me?”

Gregory stared silently for a few moments before shaking his head. “I’ll be there for you, Savannah. I’ll always be there for you.”

“The season at Bolshoi starts when your season does. Long distance is just messy.”

Gregory paled, eyes looking startled. “You’re going back?”

I scrunched my eyebrows. “It’s my job, Gregory.”

He looked to the floor, running a hand through his ragged hair as I panicked, my fingers tingling, and my throat running dry, wondering if he was preparing to ask me to give it up for him. I didn’t have an answer to that unasked question.

“But,” I continued before he had the chance. “yes on dinner.” I needed a drink, and a breath.

Gregory pulled me back into the hug, kissing the top of his head. “I don’t want to lose you, Savannah. Not again. It hurt enough for the both of us the first time. There can’t be a second.”