Nocturne(101)

Flames of irritation rushed over me at the thought that she’d confided in Nathan Connors. I was well aware they’d known each other for years. But I still hated that she felt I couldn’t provide an emotional shelter for her. I knew realistically that I couldn’t, but that didn’t stop the pain of pushing my pride aside as she kissed my neck once.

“Have you been distant?”

“I guess. I just … don’t want to waste any time with you.” Her voice was uncomfortably distant.

I pulled my eyebrows together and looked back over the last couple of weeks. Savannah and I spent so much time together rehearsing, and even our spare time was spent in whoever’s room was lacking a roommate, that I hadn’t taken a step back to look at her other relationships. Everyone knew how I was. I didn’t spend a lot of time socializing, especially on the road. Travel exhausted me, and I was often shuffling between practicing and sleeping. But Savannah was significantly more social than me, and I quickly calculated that she was spending nearly all of her free time with me.

“I don’t want you to pull away from your friends, Savannah.”

“I’m not pulling away, but there’s a big chunk of my life that I can’t talk to them about … I think I need to talk about us with someone. Just … to process what’s going on. I won’t broadcast it, but—”

“Anyone but Nathan,” I spit out without regard to the delicacy of my tone.

Savannah sat up and pulled back slightly, looking me in the eyes. “What?”

“I get that this is a really emotional and conflicting situation, Savannah, I really do. And I appreciate the need you have to talk to a friend, but … anyone but Nathan.”

“Gregory … I …” She drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs.

My pulse kicked up, but not the way it did when her legs were wrapped around me. “Were you considering telling him about us? The boy detests me, Savannah, and I can’t say the feeling isn’t mutual. He’d take great pleasure in ruining my reputation.”

Savannah bit her lip as her face melted in what looked like disappointment. She cleared her throat. “This isn’t about you, Gregory. He’s my friend and wouldn’t do that to me. But, I get it. I don’t want to … cause a problem. That’s why I haven’t said anything.”

Relieved, I sat back and held out my arm, seeking the comfort of her skin against mine. “Thank you,” I said as she moved into my side.

“I said I’d do anything for you, Gregory. I meant that.” Her muscles stayed tense as she draped her arm across my torso.

I’d told her earlier that I’d do anything for her. As we sat in the quiet hotel room, surrounded by rough cotton sheets, I added up the cost of anything. As Savannah’s breathing evened out and she fell asleep against my shoulder, the cost mattered less and her heart mattered more.

I ran a hand down my face, stopping briefly to pinch the bridge of my nose. The thought of parting ways with Savannah at the end of the tour was absurd. And painful. But it was reality. Anything ended as soon as that hotel door opened and we were on stage. Anything would slip away when I got home and faced my wife.

For the next hour, as Savannah slept, breathing softly against my skin, I ran through every scenario possible to allow me to stand up to my words to her. To stand up to anything. Because I meant it— I would do anything.

Because she was becoming my everything.





Savannah


“We’re almost at the end.” Nathan yawned and stretched his arms overhead as we wrapped up what would be one of our final rehearsals. Our show that evening in Hartford was to be our last before the finale performance in Boston.

“Yeah,” I laughed, “thank God. And, just in time for me to stop screwing up that key change in the march.” I chuckled, feigning relief. Really, I was heartbroken.

The end of the tour meant the end of me and Gregory. The only “me and Gregory” there could ever be. I’d caught a few ends to some tense-sounding conversations between him and Karin, but I rarely asked about them. Talking about them would have invited her in between us. She was ever present in my mind as it was. I couldn’t imagine how it was for him. And I didn’t want to. I just wanted to enjoy us.

“Did you ever end up talking to your mom?”

“No.” I stood and slid my bag over my shoulder. “I just let it go for now. She’ll be in Boston when I get back. That conversation needs to happen face-to-face.”

“I’m glad. You’ve been in a better mood the last two weeks.” Nathan gave me a quick side hug.

“Yeah, I’ve been feeling a lot better about that whole situation. My mother is who she is, and I can’t let her get in my head anymore.”

Turns out, I was more like my mother than I cared to admit. An incredible actress. I hadn’t wanted to draw too much scrutiny to my distant state, so I dialed up the charm when I was in group settings. It slowly ate away at me all summer to lie to Nathan. That would be over soon. Like everything else. Then, I could get back to normal. Whatever that would be.

Nathan and I headed backstage and he met up with Christine. He wrapped his arms around her petite waist and bent down to kiss her on the lips. She was a lot shorter than Nathan, with a cute blonde pixie cut.