NOCTE (Nocte Trilogy #1)(52)

I especially hate when we idle toward Ocean’s View Cemetery.

I look away from its wrought iron gates and brick columns, from the trees that weep along the shadowy lanes inside. Because I know, that at the back of the neatly lined plots, there’s a large white angel standing over a white marble stone. LAURA PRICE lies there beneath the surface, eternally sleeping, forever gone from me.

I squeeze my eyes shut, and I must squeeze Dare, too, because he turns slightly.

“Are you ok?”

I nod against his back. “Yeah.”

Lie.

Dare notices the cemetery, and I feel him tense a bit.

“You’re surrounded by it here,” he tells me, his voice as soft and quiet as it can be on the back of this bike. “In order to move forward, you have to move away.”

I nod, because I know.

As I move my head, I open my eyes, and as I do, I notice something.

Finn.

Standing in the gates of the cemetery, watching us ride away.

He doesn’t call out, he doesn’t chase me, he doesn’t even seem angry. But the expression is still there on his face… the expression that tells me I let him down. I told him I’d go with him to visit our mother, and I didn’t. And because I didn’t, he went alone.

I close my eyes.





28


VIGINTI OCTO

Finn





It’sTime.

The voices are insistent, more so than usual, more so than ever.

It’sTimeIt’sTimeIt’sTime.

Time for what?

I buzz along the road from the cemetery, up the mountain to my home, where I linger in the trees and watch my sister as she says goodbye to Dare and waits for me. I know she’s waiting for me, because she always does.

And unless I do something, that’s what she’ll always do.

DoItDoItDoIt.

I suddenly know what to do, and I head along the path for the pier. It doesn’t matter that she wouldn’t go to the cemetery with me, because I know she would’ve tried if I’d forced the issue. She would’ve tried and she would’ve been miserable because she’s not ready. I can’t force her to be ready. It has to happen in order.

It has to happen in order.

There’s an order.

It

Has

To

Happen

In

Order.

Sail away and don’t come back, a voice hisses. MakeHerSeeTheOrder.

Don’t, another one argues. ThisIsHerFaultHerFaultHerFault.

The voices argue and I let them, as I continue walking in the sea breeze toward the boat. I climb inside and lift the anchor.





29


VIGINTI NOVEM

Calla



When we get back home, I walk Dare to his house.

“Thank you for today,” I tell him softly. “I needed to get away.”

“You did,” he agrees with me. “And you still do.”

I swallow hard, because he’s right. I do need to get away, far from death and Astoria and here. But more and more, I feel that I can’t. I’ll never be able to truly get away, because I can’t leave Finn. Even if I follow him to MIT, I’ll still be surrounded by this forever.

But I don’t say that of course, because it’s depressing and he’d simply argue.

So instead, I simply lean up and kiss Dare’s perfectly chiseled cheek, wishing with all of my might that I could fold into his arms and he could comfort me and kiss me and hold me forever.

But I can’t because we’re waiting.

Waiting for me to work through something that can’t be worked through.

Dare disappears inside and I wait on my porch for my brother.

My butt is stiff from the hard boards and I’ve slapped at a hundred mosquitoes when my father finally comes out and hands me a glass of lemonade.

“Whatcha doing out here?” he asks as I sip the tart liquid.

“Waiting for Finn,” I tell him. “I saw him at the cemetery. He went alone. He’s going to need to talk about it.”

My dad looks pained and I know it’s because he hasn’t been there yet, either.

“Don’t feel bad, dad,” I say quickly. “I haven’t actually been there yet, either. I just drove past. I couldn’t make myself go in.”

He nods slowly. “One of these days,” he starts to say, then trails off. And I know that’s gone in the One Of These Days file in his head.

I smile and pretend that he’ll actually do it.

He leaves me alone and I wish for a second that he hadn’t, because I’m lonely and I could use some company while I wait. From time to time, I think I see Dare’s curtains move, like he’s keeping an eye on me, but I’m probably imagining it.

The lemonade finally runs through me, and I duck inside to use the restroom. As I’m washing my hands, a glint of silver catches my attention on the counter.

Finn’s St. Michael’s medallion.

It’s a small silver disk honoring St. Michael that my mother bought Finn for Christmas last year. We’re not Catholic, but she loved the idea that it’s supposed to give courage and keep the wearer out of harm’s way. She knew that Finn needed that protection, for sure. He never takes it off. He even sleeps in it.